Monday, February 22, 2010

CAVE LIFE 101

People with alternative lifestyles or who have a different sexual orientation than the rest of mainstream America may reside in a closet until they decide to emerge, but depressed people dwell in a dark, dingy cave many times filled with items of convenience so they won't have to ever emerge. A few years ago, I purchased a small refrigerator and a microwave to put in my bedroom, so I wouldn't have to leave it. That was around the same time as I bought a 52-inch HDTV. I should have seen the writing on the wall, but like most things, I ignored the warning signs until the damage had been done.

Hey, people I live in Florida and in an area where the beaches don't suck. As described in the following quote: "The gentle breeze is still soothing just as the crystal-clear waves roll in from the emerald sea. The flawless white sand is just as soft as before, and the sea oats still dance for a glowing sun" Pensacola boasts to have the whitest beaches in Florida. So why does a person who once was a sun worshipper no longer even venture out into the light of day? No, I haven't joined the ranks of the undead! Not yet, at least!

I think it has to do with having an addictive personality. I always loved to binge and then I'd grow bored with the object of my addiction. This behavior held true in every aspect of my life. For example, I loved to read, but unlike a normal person who would read a book and then go onto the next or perhaps take a break between books, I would read 10 books in 2 weeks and then be done for 6 months or more. I buy books now and never read them. I sit and look at the cover or maybe read the first page a few hundred times. I guess the same holds true with the beach. I burnt myself out on being sun burned. Actually, that's probably a good thing!

Tomorrow, I have my next yoyo appointment. I know she wants me to start dealing with issues I'd rather just leave in the cave. I'd rather discuss how I've spent the last 2 days cleaning and rearranging my cave and how good that made me feel...physically drained, but mentally better. I'd rather talk about why I feel the need to throw something away if I haven't used it in 6 months and why I have so little in which I assign sentimental value. Material objects have never meant very much to me...easy come, easy go! I'd rather discuss anything other than sexual abuse. I think I may be in a horribly foul mood tomorrow!

Gratitude statement: I'm thankful it's today and not tomorrow.

4 comments:

  1. I've got nothing for you on the sexual abuse.

    In my own case, I thought finally talking about it after 30 years would be a true catharsis, but it wasn't...because no one really had an idea of what to say or do for me.

    So, I will merely wish you good luck today and offer a hug to the part of you who kept you strong and alive.

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  2. pain is like an octopus. its many arms worm and weave around inside us. We lop off one tendril only to discover 20 more.
    I wish you the best.
    And I thank you for pausing and visiting my blog :)

    haphazardkat

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  3. HOLY CRAP Mildred! Your comment on my page brought me to your page and I know exactly where you are coming from!! I hope your appointment went well. We can only get better if we want to.
    xoxo me (Candy aka Phoenix aka Imagine)<<---- I need to find a name that sticks.

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  4. Jnuts, thank you...I needed that!

    Kat, I'm attempting to not be self absorbed which I find is difficult under the circumstances.

    Imagine, when I read your post it was like I was reading my own words. I guess people are more connected and alike sometimes than we want to admit.

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