Tuesday, March 30, 2010

ANOTHER BRICK IN THE WALL

Today, I went to my first group therapy for survivors of sexual abuse. One of the many subjects that were briefly touched upon was promiscuity. While I was driving home, I started having flashbacks of my vast sexual encounters and how for the most part I always seemed to have more of a male attitude towards sex than a typical female attitude. For us survivors, promiscuity can range from having a barrage of one-night stands to having group sex or any combination inbetween. By the time, we reach middle age our tally for sexual encounters is usually off the chart. I think one key ingredient of promiscuous behavior is our lack of sexual boundaries. We become clueless to how morality governs most people's sexual behavior. Anything and everything goes and sex becomes just another addiction, a tool or in some cases, a game to keep us amused.

I met my closest friend in Pensacola while I was attending college in the early 1980's. She was going through nursing school and happened to take one of the same academic courses as I was taking. I was 28 years old at the time. Mary was 11 years older than I am, but the age difference didn't seem to matter to either of us. What we found as we got to know each other was that we had many things in common including what first put us on the road to being lifelong friends. We both had the hots for our professor. He wasn't someone who would ever be described as being handsome, but the man had charisma and sex appeal oozing from his pores. Our "girl talks" about him definitely laid the foundation for our friendship.

Our children are roughly the same ages with the exception of her having a son by a previous marriage who is about 10 years younger than I am. After listening to my friend endlessly complain about her 18-year-old son having a bad attitude, one day I jokingly told her that he needed to get laid. She surprised me with a very atypical response by suggesting that I take care of his problem and put a smile on his face. I dwelled on that thought for a few weeks before approaching him with an offer he couldn’t refuse.

Like most people, I do have fantasies, but I'm the type of person who never kept a fantasy for very long. Savoring a thought only frustrated me...the real satisfaction for me was acting out my fantasy when the opportunity arose. I learned very early in life, opportunities always arise. One only need to be patient and be ready to act. Some of you who like reading gory details will be disappointed because this entry will lack the highlights of my deflowering this 18-year-old virgin with one exception. I will reveal that I made him keep the lights on because I like to see what I'm doing. As I remembered how modest and nervous I was the first time I had sex as a willing participant, suddenly the teacher-student relationship I forged with Philip seemed far less impressive than it was over 25 year ago. I used to laugh when I thought of how traumatized he probably was that first time and now it just makes me sad to think what I shared with him was void of any love and respect.

Now, I can see what drove me to being that wicked woman I was. As our relationship progressed, we went on to create an incentive-based game of playing Trivia Pursuit for sex. The winner got anything they wanted. Now, looking back, in reality, I never got what I wanted most because I never allowed myself the luxury of having just a normal relationship with anyone. Any physical relationship I've ever had bore the mark of being twisted, amoral and self-destructive.

Gratitude statement: I'm thankful for the strength to look at my past with eyes wide open.

5 comments:

  1. Group therapy must be an interesting experience. I hope you will find some peace from it.

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  2. He was 18 and you were an "woman of years" at 28. I am sure just that thought was an aphrodisiac for that young man. I too had an 'older man' of 23 pursue me as a virginal 18 y/o and though the thought of this new power I had over this man was exciting, I turned away from his advances at the crucial time. Why? Because the look on his face was one of pure lust - not a spec of love in his eyes. Turned me right off. I remained a virgin until I met the man I would marry. I guess romance was more an aphrodisiac then the thoughts of fantasy sex and power. Why and what social protocol developed that in me, a young woman? Why is it not developed in young men? Complexity of the human condition, eh?

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  3. I shan't comment. I'm in possession of a penis.

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  4. Laoch, it's been years since I've relied on any type of therapy to get me through a bad spot, but I think sharing insights as part of a group can be beneficial to everyone in the group.

    Barbie, I wish I didn't have the kind of sexual track record that I do. Years ago, it seemed like the thing to do, but now it just makes me shake my head.

    Jnuts, I don't hate men. I always welcome your words of wisdom and I hope the penis is attached to your body or did SWMBO (She Who Must Be Obeyed) remove it to keep you out of trouble?

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  5. Thanks for sharing, I know exactly what you mean. I know it must be hard.
    xoxo

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