Sunday, July 25, 2010

MEDICATION TIME

I'm a cross between an emotional cutter and a love bulimic. I perk along just fine for awhile. My life is serene (I've been in "time-out for 5 years) and then something happens...it always does! My poor impulse control kicks in and before I know it I've ripped opened one of my many battle scars to fester and ooze again and to go through a very painful slow healing process. I've often wondered why I participate in such self destructive behaviors, but like a cutter, I emotionally cut for the same reason. I cut to make myself feel better. I cut to test myself. I cut to feel alive! I often wonder how many times the same wound can be reopened before it just doesn't ever heal...and then what? Amputation?

The other day, I did something very bad. It all snowballed so quickly that it surprised even me. A friend of mine mentioned reading something from her News Feed on Facebook written by the wife of an ex lover of mine ("the Anti-Christ" as I so affectionately call him). She wondered how she got that message when she isn't "friends" with the his wife. Well folks, it's a small world indeed and if you're a friend of a friend of a friend, everyone gets to view what you write on your Facebook page. Yes, there are security settings that prevent this sort of thing from happening, BUT if you put a technologically challenged person on a site like Facebook, nine times out of ten, they'll end up embarassing themselves and others by writing things that they think are private.

The chain reaction went something like this in a matter of about 30 minutes: The wife's name is mentioned to me--> the scar is located instantly even though it's barely visible after 20 years--> I search through her friends list on Facebook (he's not there) --> which brings me to her childrens' friends list --> Bingo! Which brings me to HIM--> OH NO, YOU DIDN'T!--> OH YES, I DID!--> I send him a private message--> Does he respond? --> You know he did!

A love bulimic is a person who binges with someone who is totally wrong for them and when they bounce to the opposite extreme, they purge into troglodytic hermitism. Love bulimics retreat into their safe caves for an indefinite period until they are ready to resurface. Is there a cure for love bulimia? Sure, finding the right diet of being loved and cared for brings a love bulimic out of the perils of relationship hell into the glory of finally knowing what love really feels like. Do I know what love is? Nope! I'm clueless! I'm too busy cutting and binging and purging to notice anything healthy and wholesome.

Gratitude statement: Are you kidding me? Check back tomorrow!

All gibberish within ©2004-2010 Mildred Ratched Memoirs.

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