Thursday, October 07, 2010

WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE

After careful deliberation, I have concluded what I really need is a mind blowing first date. Here, I was thinking I needed a creative midlife crisis when all I need is something far less cumbersome. In order to classify this first date as "mind blowing", the experience should follow the parameters below:

1) The first date scenario cannot be anything I would be arrested for unless the person with whom I have the first date will post my bail and pay for a lawyer.

2) The first date cannot be anything life-threatening or permanently disabling, but "screwboos" (injuries from having sex for example, carpet burns, scratch marks, bumps on the head, etc.) are allowed!

3) The first date can be slightly amoral and include up to 3 of the Seven Deadly Sins (name them and the Seven Dwarfs and you might be the man of my dreams) as long as I can take pictures and brag about it afterwards (and of course, write a blog entry).

4) If the first date does involve sex, "eye candy" (tall, handsome and young enough to make me blush) is an acceptable description of the recipient of my affections and fantasy. Blow up dolls and cute midgets are not acceptable substitutes.

Any suggestion for first date scenarios are appreciated and volunteers to blow my mind can sign up here. Candidates must meet certain criteria and be willing to be interrogated by an interviewing committee.(I've learned not to trust my own judgment where men are concerned)

The interviewing committee must consist of at least 5 people I trust (any volunteers???). Candidates will be judged on wit, intelligence and physical appearance. Candidates must submit a certificate of a clean bill of health, a financial statement and a police background check. Candidates with any psychiatric diagnosis will be automatically disqualified. The candidate with the highest score will then be cast in the first date scenario with me. The question is… am I crazy enough to do this? Have I been in time out long enough? I think it's time Mildred came out to play!

Gratitude statement: I'm truly grateful for the twisted sense of humor I have!

All gibberish within ©2004-2010 Mildred Ratched Memoirs.

2 comments:

  1. I think all the best relationships develop organically. As such I would be open to meeting new people but would not place too much significance on any one encounter. Mellowness would be my touchstone.

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  2. You forgot to mention that a safe word might be a requirement before said date. Unless of course you feel it's optional. Maybe treat it like a disclaimer. Okay, that's kind of funny.

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