Tuesday, January 11, 2011
As we live our lives, we collect among other things a plethora of regrets. Impulsive decisions, love gone wrong, could haves, would haves, should haves pile up until what’s left is the very narrow path we follow. So what happens if we suddenly stop and step off that path? What happens if we get a wild hair and do something totally out of character? Ha! What could I do that would be totally out of character for me? I’m afraid that list would be very short. Yet, my impulsivity that has guided me throughout life isn’t working correctly now. Where did it go? Why did it malfunction in this time of need? Is this my wake up call? Is this what midlife is supposed to be like? Have I finally reached "normal"?
Sometimes I feel as if some giant vampire has sucked my will from me and here I sit in a void alone. Where once lived the girl your mother told you to stay away from now resides a hermit contemplating not the meaning of life, but the futility of life. I want that girl to reappear, older, maybe not wiser, but untainted by life’s trials and tribulations because she’d merrily say "fuck futility, I’ll see you guys later" and here it is later… much later and does that girl have regrets? Yes, but you see, doing all those should haves would have probably put her on the path of having what would have been considered the dreaded normal life at an early age… a fate she felt was worse than death itself. So here she is now on this path sitting on a park bench with the sun dancing through the trees. A cool breeze gently caresses her face as she feeds the birds and squirrels. Autumn is all around her and painted upon the foliage is a quick peak into the future. As she looks skyward she sees one perfect white bird soar across the horizon before joining the flock flying south for the winter. As she smiles, she thinks, "Normal may not be so bad afterall!"
Gratitude statement: I'm thankful to have a past to reflect upon and a future to look forward to...
All gibberish within ©2004-2011 Mildred Ratched Memoirs.