Sunday, January 30, 2011

FROM THE CUCKOOS NEST

I've been restless all weekend. Part of my restlessness was due to the subject matter I started on Friday and part of it is due to the increased pain in my back and neck. It wasn't until just a few minutes ago that I connected the dots and saw one has caused the other. Does this mean discussing certain things is wrong and should be avoided?

I feel like there are many things I've never expressed regarding my marriage. I've kept them locked inside and today I sit here almost terrified to think of ever getting involved with someone again. Did my marriage cause this fear to emerge? I think in part, it may have, but more than my failed marriage, it's the accumulation of a lifetime of failed relationships.

I'm an intelligent woman, yet I always select partners with whom a successful relationship is a long shot. I see the pattern. I see why the relationships didn't work and yet, I seem to be that proverbial moth attracted to a flame. Was putting myself in "time-out" the right thing to do or has it had the same effect on me as someone who suffers from agoraphobia who never goes outside the confines of their home?

I feel as if I have punished myself enough, but I don't know how or when to do something different. I feel as clueless as a teenager first exploring the opposite sex. Do I? Don't I? How far is too far? Will I lose myself again in the process of answering these questions? Although I've learned it's better to be alone than it is to be with the wrong person, I wonder if I should just be content with flying solo? Are there people who shouldn't have intimate relationships and am I one of those people?

Gratitude statements: I'm thankful I haven't grown so complacent that I stop questioning myself and life.

All gibberish within ©2004-2011 Mildred Ratched Memoirs.

2 comments:

  1. One shouldn't be content to "fly solo". Human beings are wired for companionship and the loving touch and comfort of sharing life with someone. Marriage, on the other hand, is highly over-rated in my humble opinion. When we experience negative relationships, it's normal (and each of us has our own perspective on what normal is) to go into new relationships with intrepidation. Onward, dear Mildred - onward!

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  2. Linda, that seems like the only direction this tired, old body knows!

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