I've been restless all weekend. Part of my restlessness was due to the subject matter I started on Friday and part of it is due to the increased pain in my back and neck. It wasn't until just a few minutes ago that I connected the dots and saw one has caused the other. Does this mean discussing certain things is wrong and should be avoided?
I feel like there are many things I've never expressed regarding my marriage. I've kept them locked inside and today I sit here almost terrified to think of ever getting involved with someone again. Did my marriage cause this fear to emerge? I think in part, it may have, but more than my failed marriage, it's the accumulation of a lifetime of failed relationships.
I'm an intelligent woman, yet I always select partners with whom a successful relationship is a long shot. I see the pattern. I see why the relationships didn't work and yet, I seem to be that proverbial moth attracted to a flame. Was putting myself in "time-out" the right thing to do or has it had the same effect on me as someone who suffers from agoraphobia who never goes outside the confines of their home?
I feel as if I have punished myself enough, but I don't know how or when to do something different. I feel as clueless as a teenager first exploring the opposite sex. Do I? Don't I? How far is too far? Will I lose myself again in the process of answering these questions? Although I've learned it's better to be alone than it is to be with the wrong person, I wonder if I should just be content with flying solo? Are there people who shouldn't have intimate relationships and am I one of those people?
Gratitude statements: I'm thankful I haven't grown so complacent that I stop questioning myself and life.
All gibberish within ©2004-2011 Mildred Ratched Memoirs.