Like most everything else in life, being a freak or being perceived as one may be very subjective and it also comes in varying degrees I've learned. What I have personally experienced regarding freaks are the following: a freak lives on the edge, is an adrenaline junkie, usually has intimacy issues or commitment phobia, is larger than life, is very likable and intelligent, displays some odd behaviors (quirks), hasn’t mellowed much with age, has a "pied piper" quality, has a strong, uninhibited libido and follows that beat of a different drummer. Of course, each person will undoubtedly define freakdom differently.
Throughout my life I have attracted people who definitely fit this description. At times, it has really bothered me because as I viewed many of my friends moving into what I thought was the midstream and their lives followed a pattern considered the norm, my life has never seemed to fit that pattern. Many times I’ve longed for normal and at times, I've made myself miserable because normal was always just out of reach.
I think the closest thing I can compare this to is a person who is homosexual or bisexual, yet chooses to remain in the closet. This person never really embraces who they are and lives in constant turmoil. My happiest times have been when I’ve gotten a "wild hair" and just gone with it. I’m happiest when I follow "to thine ownself be true". I have to admit as I have gotten older, the frequency of the wild hairs have lessened, but I don’t know if that's because I've tried so hard to stifle them over time or if it’s just a natural progression and we all end our lives in a virtual state of normalcy.
Many years ago while I was in the trying to understand myself mode, I asked a male friend to tell me why I attract freaks (people who make my life feel like it’s a high speed car chase, like a roller coaster, like that moment just before you dive off a cliff into an abyss) He asked me if I really wanted the answer to the question. Of course, I wanted to know! I needed to know! He told me it was simple. It’s the look in my eyes. Over the years I’ve really thought about it and I think he was right. There are many things a person can cover or disguise, but the mirrors of the soul do not lie. Oh sure, I have friends who are anything, but freaks, but the people I feel closest to and feel they really understand me and do not and cannot pass judgment on me are those people who look into my eyes and see a need for speed, the same need they have perpetually percolating just below the surface.
Gratitude statement: Although the road has been a long, strange one at times, I'm thankful for my journey to understanding and acceptance.
All gibberish within ©2004-2011 Mildred Ratched Memoirs.