Friday, January 28, 2011

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JIM

A few days ago I rambled on about building bridges without really taking a look at the bridges I build. For some reason, I rarely burn the bridges I build. In fact, I would have to say once a person plays a significant role in my life, they remain in my life unless they choose to depart and burn the bridge we have. Often times people from my past are placed on a period of PAUSE to be revisited at some later date when I can safely press the PLAY button again. I'm now wondering why I have a need to stay connected to people...why is letting go so difficult for me???

Today is my ex-husband's birthday and although I'm sure many of you may be expecting a tale with gory details Mildred Ratched style, I think this post has to be typed by the hands of Karen because Karen married Jim and while Mildred was always present, she played no part in their relationship until the end. Until then, she merely lurked in the shadows watching and waiting. The reasons why Jim is no longer my husband seem so faded and unimportant now. Of our past relationship I can say that while love was never the problem; sometimes or should I say often times we both battled uncontrollable forces. Surrendering is a difficult thing for me to do. I think the same holds true for him.

Somehow when I entered into my relationship with him, I felt strong enough to fix him. It wasn't until years later that I saw how deluded that thinking was! No, I didn't want to "fix" the usual things a woman thinks she can fix in a man. The toilet seat being left up, underwear and socks being tossed on the floor and gaining control of the remote control were the least of my concerns. I willingly and lovingly tackled mental illness and guess what? I got my ass kicked in the process! I thought my love and support would/could make a difference in his life. I thought I was big enough to weather the storms for both of us, but what I found out was how small I really am and how unrealistic my goals were.

Today, as I wish Jim a happy birthday I have only wishes of stability and good health for him. I also have hopes of happiness for him although I think any happiness for him can only be found in stability and good health first. I know how hard the road is to travel alone and I know how a heart can long to be loved, but sometimes love is not the magic cure all that people think it is. Sometimes love hinders a person's progress and as the song says, "sometimes love just ain't enough."

But there's a danger in loving somebody too much,
and it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust.
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are.
Baby, sometimes, love just ain't enough.


Gratitude statement: I'm grateful for the huge capacity my heart has at times.

All gibberish within ©2004-2011 Mildred Ratched Memoirs.

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