Friday, February 04, 2011

LATE WINTER FUNK


For several weeks now I've been surveying various areas of my life that I think need to be rezoned or maybe have some demolition work or even a complete overhaul. During this process, I've had a dark cloud hovering over me. While it hasn't actually rained on my parade, it remains cold and gloomy much like the winter weather that has been sweeping most of our nation.

I rarely dream, but two nights ago each time I fell asleep, I had vivid nightmares. A menacing, lurking presence wanted to engulf me. No matter where I went, it remained with me coming closer...closer...closer and just before it would touch me, my eyes would open to a dark room. A sense of me being acutely alone surrounded me until I realized my two cats and my puppy were snuggled up on my bed sleeping soundly next to me.

Meanwhile on Facebook (yes, I'm one of those Facebook freaks), I not only have a page for Mildred, but I have my own personal page and one for my old neighborhood where I grew up. We had our first reunion last summer while I was in Maine with 59 people attending the gala affair. Our discussions on Facebook tend to be like a trip down memory lane for most. Light, humorous anecdotes and memories of various people and places frequent the page when someone isn't bitching about the horrible winter Maine and most of the upper tier states are having.

It's always nice to have a feeling of belonging and a place to go where warm feelings abound. It wasn't until the other day those warm feelings abruptly changed. Someone quite innocently mentioned a name that threw me into a whirlwind. Memories and feelings I thought had long ago been resolved came flooding back in an instant. Yes, I remembered Jimmy Stark, but no one seemed to remember how he was connected to me. As people discussed him by remembering how his foot was brutally ripped off in a freak accident at the carwash next to the elementary school we all attended, no one remembered the affair my father and Jimmy's mother had or if they did, that wasn't a topic anyone was about to start. There was no "Hey everyone, let's talk about Mildred's shitty home life!" There was no connection made between Jimmy and me except by me in me...alone!

This concludes and another episode of Mildred's late winter funk or is it the prespring blues?

Gratitude statement: I'm thankful that the misery I feel sometimes isn't like a fart in church that makes everyone want to pray for me at a distance.

All gibberish within ©2004-2011 Mildred Ratched Memoirs.

5 comments:

  1. I don't do Facebook. Lots of people urge me to as a way to reconnect with people from my past. For some reason it just doesn't interest me. I'm not sure why. Perhaps because I concentrate mainly on the present. Lost loves, lformer friendships, estranged family members, I just let go of like so much of my past. For that matter, I keep most folks in the present at better than arm's distance. So, farting aside, if anyone prays for me it will likely be from afar.

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  2. LOL. being gay, I get a lot of prayers, no farts required. Maybe you have SAD. FB, I hear ya. I had similar experience and if they don't know how what they are discussing affects me, how are they friends? I can't say what I think, "You BORE me." So, if I can't be honest with my friends, why bother? It is one big game and I don't play games with life. That said, a real friend called me in Seattle from KEY WEST, FL, because she was worried that my FB was gone. Sigh, so now I must go back on. Am considering diving in and just accumulating a million faux friends, I tried the "real" thing and it is not working for me. I'm in a funk over FB. You have TWO pages? Yeah, baby, I want that. But it won't let me start a fake one, what is the secret?

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  3. I know it is real life for you, MsMildred, but you could totally use the premise of your last post as a novel.

    I really did get the chills.

    Sweeter dreams from here on out.

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  4. Nice post. I think it best to focus on the present rather than the past or future although that is much harder than it sounds.

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  5. Doug, I think we all eventually gravitate to doing whatever works best for us.

    Diane, I think honesty is a crucial part of our beings....those who lack it lack character. There's no secret to having multiple FB pages. You just have to use a different email address for each one you start.

    terri, I'm curious as to what actually gave you chills and why you felt my last post would be a great premise for a book.

    Laoch, Amen to that!

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