Saturday, April 30, 2011

TAKE THIS LIFE AND SHOVE IT

Well folks, it's that time of year and it looks like the "M" of "J & M" missed the Annual Bitchfest and to that "M" humbly claims it has been "duly noted". In the spirit of what appears to be the going trend, I'll throw my 2 cents in the Bitchfest arena by posting my version of how the adult siblings interact in my family.

First, I want to make the observation and complaint that actions speak so much louder than words. Words have been a very cheap, over-rated commodity to me lately. Blah! Blah! Blah! How about walking the walk instead of talking the talk? My mother has 4 children, not one! What puzzles the hell out of me is what makes it okay for 3 of her 4 children to sit back and let 4th deal with everything concerning their mother? I wonder if any of my brothers know how alone I feel in dealing with this situation or how stressed out I am as I deal with what feels like an immovable object at times. I can safely say every ounce of tenacity that courses through my being comes directly from my mother. She is without a doubt the most stubborn person I have ever known.

Okay, I realize that I'm the only one who actually lives here and that actively participating in her care for my 3 brothers isn't easy, but definitely not an impossibility. Please tell me what's difficult about offering some simple moral support? What's so difficult about asking what the 3 of you can do to lighten the load I carry by helping out in some way? What's so difficult with stepping up for once in your lives and being the brothers I need you to be and more importantly, the sons your mother needs you to be?

I have to admit a few weeks ago I started thinking the situation was about to change when my oldest brother and I had a pow-wow via the telephone. I thought him expressing he wanted to come here to "talk" to my mother was going to have the effect of waving a magic wand over her. Foolish me! The cliff hanger in it all was being told that he had to discuss it with his wife and he'd get back to me... to date, that hasn't happened. I have to admit that I was hoping his wife would veto his idea. I told him that I felt a trip here was unnecessary especially when we were going to come to Maine in a few months, but he seemed to feel the gesture would be more "duly noted" if the "talk" took place on her home turf.

Perhaps I should interject that my oldest brother is a practicing psychologist and that while all his sagely advice is wonderful and quite impressive, I want to know why he and brother number 2 can't even make time for their mother when I bring her to Maine each year so she can visit her children, grandchildren, great grandchildren, aunts, uncles, cousins and friends? What's so difficult with taking a day off and taking her for a drive somewhere and out to dinner? What's so difficult with making some time to "talk" with her while she's in Maine? Why do I always have to be the ramrod and event planner? How much easier can it be for you when I do 90% of the work? Again foolish me!

I'm so tired of hearing about all her past mistakes and how all those mistakes effected each of you. Jesus, isn't it about time you let it go? All those mistakes took place so long ago they seem like they were in another lifetime. Isn't it time to forgive? And isn't it time to realistically look at it and remember that we, 4 collectively lived through that battle zone. Each of us fought demons...some together and some alone, but regardless of the pain, sorrow and battle fatigue we all felt, we still are a family and she is our mother. She may need things that I cannot give her. She may need your forgiveness and love and she may need to reciprocate. These aren't things I can do on your behalf.

It's truly sad when 4 siblings who are strong, intelligent individuals cannot or maybe it's will not come together for the good of their mother. I'm so tired of feeling alone and don't feel as though I should have to beg for your support on her behalf. I'm tired of feeling anger, resentment and despair. I have done all I can humanly do, but I cannot not be each of you and fill a void that only your presence can fill.

Gratitude statement: I'm thankful for being able to actually type this blog entry because the stress is draining me dry. My stomach hurts! I don't sleep well and all the pain in my body is amplified, but I remain hopeful that perseverance will not only prevail, but it will ultimately kick ass!

All gibberish within ©2004-2011 Mildred Ratched Memoirs.

Monday, April 11, 2011

A PUPPY IN SEARCH OF YUMMIES

I think the universe threw me a zinger by sucking me into this no man's land I exist in now. Karma? You betcha! And when karma comes back to a person that the person has sent out into the universe, it usually comes back like the waves of a tsunami. Now, if I had been a smarter individual in my younger years, I would have played by the rules instead of making my own. I would have listened to the sagely advice from my elders. I would have felt like it was okay not to have to experience everything first hand. Instead of marching to the beat of a different drummer, I would have tried to be in sync with my surroundings. I would have found a subtle happiness in peace and harmony instead of flirting with disaster and dancing with chaos every step of the way. I would have had goals and dreams and believed that those goals and dreams were obtainable and not just some pipe dream.

Today, I'm filled with regret for all the time I wasted on the negative things in life. Today, I look at myself in the mirror and feel as though I'm not the person I was meant to be. Today, I wonder how or why I let myself get to a place in life where new beginnings seem like too much effort. Today, I wonder just how much time does it take to change karma and be blessed with a better life or at least one where I know what happiness feels like and I believe that I'm worthy of good things happening. Today, I just want to close my eyes and feel anything but stress, disappointment, anger and regret. All todays too quickly become tomorrows...

Gratitude statement: I'm thankful it's not tomorrow quite yet!

All gibberish within ©2004-2011 Mildred Ratched Memoirs.

Wednesday, April 06, 2011

BEWARE THE IDES OF MARCH

March came in like a lion and went out like a lamb... March definitely kicked my ass! Does April showers really bring May flowers? Or does it bring more trials and tribulations fertilized with life's bullshit?

Gratitude statement: I'm thankful March is over!

All gibberish within ©2004-2011 Mildred Ratched Memoirs.

Tuesday, April 05, 2011

MEDICATION TIME

I'm wondering if along with many other things that seem to fade with age, if a person's ability to love wanes. I'm wondering if during our lifetime we manage to do even one selfless act if that one act will be enough of a reminder to always strive to be the best person we can for as long as we can. I'm wondering if karma really does catch up with us and if all those not so nice deeds we did in our younger years comeback to us in how we spend our golden years. After all the heartache I've witnessed regarding the aging process, I'm wondering if I really want to experience old age.

Gratitude statement: I'm thankful I have what appears to be an entirely different relationship with my children than my mother has with hers.

All gibberish within ©2004-2011 Mildred Ratched Memoirs.