I was going to start this out with "I have a friend..." and that brought a huge smile to my face. Even though I've had a few light bulb moments in the past few days due to a couple friends of mine, the real friend here is me. I realized that I not only love myself, but I also like myself. This realization made me take the next step and see that I am worthy of love and happiness. As I spoke to one friend who is experiencing the initial jitters over starting a new relationship and seems to be questioning everything instead of just enjoying the giddy feeling she gets whenever she has contact with her new love interest, I realized how fortunate she is to have the opportunity to feel love again and wondered why it's much easier for us to feel bad things than it is to feel good things. I saw how potentially damaging the negative dialogue that we run over and over again in our heads really is. I felt frustration on her behalf as I tried to tell her that there is nothing to fear, but fear itself and that fear is designed to destroy, divide and distract us from a path of happiness. Fear paralyzes and only allows the negative to filter through.
Isn't it almost funny how clear things appear when others do it, but when it comes to our own behavior, somehow we can't seem to see what's right in front of us? We seem incapable of stepping into other people's shoes when it comes to seeing ourselves through someone else's eyes. All those endearing qualities that others admire in us, we make light of or completely overlook. Why do so many of us feel unworthy of love and happiness and feel we aren't good enough for someone? Why do we many times lack the courage to just go for it and see where the path takes us? What's wrong with just turning that negative dialogue off? I'm not talking about ignoring red flags. I'm talking about being able to stop selling ourselves short and to start seeing our own potential. I'm talking about believing we're good people...beautiful people who do deserve love and happiness no matter how old we are or where we come from!
The second "friend" who perpetuated a light bulb moment did so by allowing me close enough to the truth to identify that the isolation she surrounds herself with is due to the abandonment she feels. I think she sees everyone she has ever loved and cared about as having moved on and left her. Death certainly is a cruel way of being left behind and as for the living, yes we all are guilty of getting busy with our own lives and not seeing friends in need especially those friends who learn to suffer in silence. We all get wrapped up in our own little thing and forget how horrible that journey is for someone who transforms from being part of a group and belonging to something to the nothingness of becoming a hermit. Because I truly identify with how she feels, I know I will not give up on her. Because we have a relationship that spans an entire lifetime, the gaps it has experienced are gaps that now can be filled with things I was incapable of giving in my younger years. Because I am myself worthy of love and happiness, I am now capable of giving that part of me that I felt had to be protected and hidden away. I smile now knowing that part is the best part of me and that I can and will be a friend not only when it's easy but when it's needed most. Somehow I'll convince her that the fear of being asked, "what have you done with your life?" is something that can be met without hesitation or shame.
Gratitude statement: As my birthday grows near, I'm grateful for feeling this past year has been a year of true growth. I hope the next year is filled with as much insight and wisdom AND LESS AGGRAVATION! (Mother, you asked me what I wanted for my birthday).
All gibberish within ©2004-2011 Mildred Ratched Memoirs.