Sunday, October 16, 2011

OMG! IS THIS MY LIFE?

Partially written in 2004:
When going through a difficult period, I always tell myself "if this is the hardest thing I’ll ever have to do, then I have it made". I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to tell myself exactly that throughout my life, but somehow it works. Somehow everything turns out the way it’s supposed to happen and the way things unfold often make me wonder if life is not just a series of tests, hidden paths and unsolved puzzles.

This year I went from having a responsible job in which many things were expected from me to quitting my job because I felt I needed to make a stand. I was expected to do something that was not only unethical, but also illegal. Reality isn't always easy to swallow especially when a person is used and abused by people they trust. Following my principles put a hardship upon me and changed my path for the rest of the year, but I did the right thing and that’s what mattered most. I eventually found another job and recovered from the void I felt, but have kept what I learned from that experience very close to me. Always proceed with caution in the workplace!

I also got involved in a relationship which initially looked very promising, yet turned out to be based on all the wrong things. The person wasn’t a horrible ogre (quite the contrary). He was just the right person at the wrong time. It makes me wonder if that elusive, illusive creature (Mr. Right) really does exist. Time will tell and maybe the answer wasn’t one "the wizard" could give me after all. I’ll just have to search a little further down the yellow brick road and hope 2005 treads softer on my heart than 2004 did.

I learned a valuable lesson in priorities this year. People who really do love me will rise to any occasion. The ones who lag behind and make excuses for not being there, are the ones who need to be left behind... permanently! I can walk away and not look back. Some say not to burn bridges, but I say that once a bridge is crossed there should never be a reason to backtrack. If you need a new path, build a new bridge! In other words, start over and don’t make the same mistakes.

This year I learned how to deal with chronic physical pain and how to enjoy the absence of that pain when it subsides via painkillers. I learned to remain open to new relationships in spite of having been disappointed and hurt. This year reaffirmed that I don’t want empty promises or pipe dreams. I've survived once again and I've come away stronger and more sure than ever that what I want is more than just survival. If I have to remain a hermit, I want a fellow hermit to share a fantastic hermitage and life with me. That sounds a little more appealing than stargazing and aimlessly wandering alone. Doesn’t it?

Timeline from 2008-2011 :
2005, 2006 and 2007 really aren't worth mentioning! REALLY!
Unemployed permanently (2008) Some call it "retired" and I hate it!
Still a caregiver. One parent gone and deeply missed (2008). One parent still with me and driving me crazy.
Add going blonde to the list (2008). And if blondes have more fun, I'm still waiting!
Being pain-free only lasted long enough for me to build a tolerance to painkillers. Add going cold turkey from Oxycontin and Percocet10's. Withdrawal was so much fun! I highly recommend it for everyone. (2009)
Therapy sessions with a yoyo inspector. Some insights gained, but mostly I learned how little control we actually have over the events that touch our lives. Life happens and we just have to keep up or fall by the wayside. (2010)
Still alone and suffering from chronic pain, but thank goodness I'm not in pain from being alone. Being a hermit has its merits!(2011)
Add complications from diabetes to this ever-growing list. (2011)
Add becoming an uncloseted atheist/agnostic/secular humanist or whatever you want to label me as being because living a lie is no way to live. That goes for anyone who resides in a closet! (2011)
Still taking stances whenever and wherever I can.

6 comments:

  1. What you write about hermitage really resonates with me. I'm a part time hermit myself. I have a lady friend, but because of her family obligations I rarely get to spend time with her more than once or twice a week, and then only for short lengths of time. My experiences have left me fairly self-contained and self-absorbed. I'm a loner. Probably always was at heart, but I sought companionship for many years. Now as I face the sunset years, I often think it would be nice to find a fellow loner to be alone together with.

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  2. Doug, I often wonder why we allow life to become so complicated when all we really want are the simple things. Would you like to run away with me and join the circus?

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  3. uh...excuse me, mildred. I believe you have a previous circus-joining commitment with a man in phoenix.

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  4. Doug, tempting is fun! But doing is even more fun.

    Jnuts, you never took me up on my offer and I think it's high time we all do something to shake this joint up a little. Let's start our own circus.

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  5. as long as I don't have to clean up elephant poop.

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