It's been weighing on me heavily lately like some crushing menace I can't avoid. I keep wondering if I'm depressed and if so, is it possible to have been depressed my whole life? Can a person be born depressed? As far back as I can remember I've always felt the same way. I look at my gene pool and wonder if I was short-changed on the naturally occurring serotonin–norepinephrine–dopamine most people are blessed with. Perhaps my wiring is routed some other way. Or maybe happiness is like everything else in life. It has to be taught and encouraged right from infancy in order for it to develop properly. Sure, I've had moments of elation, but those moments have never been caused by anything I can take sole responsibility for doing. Happiness when it has come has always been external and I know that's wrong. I know I should be able to feel good about things that I do, but nothing I do seems quite worthy of happiness.
I awoke this morning while it was still dark and as I lay in bed, I let my mind wander. It took me to a place where I could hear voices singing.
The answer my friend is blowin' in the wind
The answer is blowin' in the wind.
I knew one of those voices was mine, yet I have no clear memory of being there. Why have I blocked out insignificant things like that, yet can remember painful things in vivid and sometimes grossly perverse detail? If I allow myself I can sink into a dark, cold place where things that happened long ago feel as if they just happened today. If I allow myself I'd never leave my cave again. If I allowed myself I'd become consumed with this darkness. I struggle to stay afloat and I'm afraid of what's going to happen when I can't float any longer. Do I simply sink and quietly fade away or does the survival mode kick in once more and save me from myself?
I think I need to get back to ranting about religion and politics and leave my feelings neatly packaged inside a box with a great big red bow on top. I'm tired of having questions, yet never finding answers that are adequate to satisfy me. I'm tired of remembering a young person who was once diagnosed as being a depressed neurotic (the shrink told me that meant "sad nut"). I guess that's better than being a depressed psychotic or is it???? Sometimes I wonder if being out of touch with reality might be better. I'm tired of wondering if neurosis ever subsides in time or does it take root like a weed and never really goes away even when it's sprayed with weed killer.
I looked up "neurosis" and found neurosis can involve: anxiety, depression, anger, irritability, mental confusion, low sense of self-worth, phobic avoidance, vigilance, impulsive and compulsive acts, lethargy, unpleasant or disturbing thoughts, repetition of thoughts and obsession, habitual fantasizing, negativity and cynicism, dependency, aggressiveness, perfectionism, schizoid isolation and socio-culturally inappropriate behaviors. Wow! Add heartburn and headaches to the list and it looks complete to me!