Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Gradually I have come to realize I really do have the ability to differentiate between those things I can change and those that are better left in the hands of fate. With age and experience come wisdom...sometimes! Perhaps my antiquated philosophy that everything happens the way it was meant to happen is flawed...or perhaps it's perfect! As I have surrendered myself in the last decade to the belief that my life is no more than an enigmatic demise, I awoke this morning feeling that perhaps it's really been an elusive rebirth instead. Is Mildred really a butterfly awaiting to fly? A crack has appeared allowing a sliver of light to shine through the emotional and physical pain. The path I was afraid to walk upon before has started to knead at me with a perverse appeal and an unfamiliar, yet welcomed anticipation. I long to feel the freedom I once called mine and I am willing to do whatever it takes to find that freedom again. I can and will explore until I find what I've lost in this lifeless abyss in which I have existed for far too long.
I thank the powers that be whatever they are for setting me straight and allowing me a honest and much needed peak at myself. Yesterday as I sat watching an accident victim struggle to regain her independence through the means of a grueling physical therapy session, I realized the last several years have robbed me of certain aspects of myself or I guess I should finally admit I willingly gave myself to those things that would only bring me more pain and keep me trapped. It was easier to surrender, to submit, to give up. No robbery or rape occurred! No violation of spirit happened! I was not a victim, but a willing participant of having my zest for life sucked slowly from me through some gigantic straw. What replaced it was a quiet hunger to slowly destroy myself through isolation. I saw death and it quietly beckoned to me.
Oh, the sweet temptation of playing the final note of the song and knowing that there will be no more music! No, not now! Not today because the song still lingers and the tune, a melody I have heard somewhere before feels as though it isn’t quite finished. I, the composer search for the perfect note to complete the harmony and go in peace many, many years from now. Yes, good people of cyberspace, Mildred Ratched may make no sense, but today she does…she speaks of death and music and then sensually dances out from the shadows in which she exists into a new beginning. I will not go down without a fight! I will live in the sunshine again! It's a new dawn. It's a new day.