Thursday, March 22, 2012

THE SPIDER AND THE FLY

I'll be the first to admit that at times I can be a real cold, calculating, conniving bitch. On occasion, my claws come out and I aim for the throat. I guess that doesn't paint me as being the kind of person I strive to be most of the time. What it does show is a side of me that emerges at times when I feel threatened, insecure or angry. That ugly side is the side that most of us try to avoid confronting and when it does raise its ferocious head we try to rationalize it away as being human nature and nothing more.

At my age I really do know where not to tread, yet sometimes I find myself going there anyway. Perhaps it's nothing more than old bad behavior which is a hard habit to break. Like an addict who "slips" every now and then, I sometimes allow myself the luxury of exploring my dark side. I always hate what I see and vow I'll never go there again. HUH! Not until next time! I don't strive for perfection. I strive to understand myself and to love the person I am. In order to do that I have to embrace and forgive that dark side because it too is a part of me.

I've been single since the late 90's and in "time out" for almost 7 years. Sometimes I think this self imposed hibernation is just another act of being self destructive. In 7 years I have become a well established troglodyte with having only a few moments of contemplating a return to relationship insanity. Those moments I have discovered are as self destructive as anything else I have done in my lifetime. During my last blast of irrational thinking I seriously considered getting back together with my ex-husband. Admitting that makes me shudder and I am truly thankful that the tangled web I was weaving went no further than just talk! After dancing with the notion for awhile, I decided that my ex is as big a player as he always was and that I couldn't allow myself be sucked back into his glorious madness again. Time, distance and age hasn't cured his mental illness. Nothing will and I've always known that but somehow I jumped into an emotional tag of war and like most women caught up in an emotional triangle, I aimed all my negativity at the wrong person.

Below is a message I recently sent to his present significant other:
Jan,
I'd like to make a long overdue apology for the rude, unkind and unnecessary comments I've written in the past. I won't attempt to make any excuses for what I wrote because there is no excuse for my negative behavior. I do want you to know that during the time Jim and you have been together, our relationship has been strictly platonic. What Jim and I had is in the past. We've both moved on and all I want is for him is to find the happiness and stability that he so desperately seeks. Jim has many wonderful qualities, yet it's his illness driven behaviors that seem to dominate his life much of the time and keep him from maintaining the status quo that most people seem to be able to achieve. I know you must love him as I once did. Please know I only want the best for both of you and that I really am not the horrid person I came off sounding like by attacking you. I'm sorry and I hope you can forgive me.

Sincerely,
Karen

I received no response and that's okay because I know I ultimately did the right thing.

8 comments:

  1. The weakest and most out-of-control moments of my life have been when I was in the throes of a romantic entanglement. I just can't seem to think straight when I am "in love." That's why I try to avoid it like the plague.

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  2. I commend you for doing the couragous thing....Not so sure I could:)

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    1. I don't know how courageous it was...I think it had more to do with fear of history repeating itself.

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  3. Good post.

    A facebook group of old windows spaces people can be checked out here:

    https://www.facebook.com/groups/334896116566657/

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    1. Thanks for the link...it should be fun reuniting with people.

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  4. well done - on doing the right thing, and being okay with just leaving it at that with no response!

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