Monday, July 15, 2013

THE BIONIC WOMAN

I hate to admit 3 surgeries in 9 months with the last 2 being in May and June just 7 weeks apart from each other has taken its toll on me. You talk about struggling to get one’s mojo back! I’m the poster child for that illustrious task. Of course, everyone I know keeps asking with loving concern if my implants are working. To that million dollar question I answer that as always I remain hopeful.

So in my state of raging hope, I’ve discovered the female rep who works this area of Florida for the company who manufactures the neurostimulators is a much better listener than her male counterpart. With the 1st implant, I played phone tag with her several times before I got set up with date for her to tweak the calibrations to be specifically for me. In the meantime she told me I could turn the device on myself. All I had to do was watch the video included in my bag of goodies and follow the instructions. I never dreamed what I’d be turning on was a lot more than just a generic program.

Okay folks, please fast forward this story of me turning the implant on for the first time. Holy Toledo, Medtronic! You have got to be kidding me! As promised, the area covered included my lower back, but nowhere on the video or in the manual did it discuss what to do about an implant gone wild. Turning it on turned me on! I was in a constant state of arousal. At first, I thought maybe it would calm down in time, but the longer I kept it on the more convinced I was that I had discovered the fountain of youth and that every day was “hump” day...24/7! After just a few hours, I knew without a doubt I couldn’t walk around the rest of my life in this heightened state of lustful vibrations.

I turned the device off and I frantically set up another meeting with the rep. During that meeting I told her in detail what had happened and how it made me feel so she could correct it. While the adjustments were being made to my program, we started talking about a scene in the movie, The Ugly Truth in which Katherine Hiegl goes to dinner wearing a pair of remote controlled vibrating panties. We had a good laugh over the thought of a 50 something year old woman feeling 18 again and how dangerous that might be for someone like me. I left the office with my cup once again overflowing with renewed hope and my lower regions back into their normal hibernation.

As I healed, I started to become a little more active, but with activity a few more problems surfaced. Upon exerting myself I no longer experienced lower back pain. Hooray for technology and modern medicine! Now, upon exerting myself my lower back pain had silently crept up my spine to a mid-back area right above where the neurosurgeon had made an incision to thread the lead wire down my spinal column. I also developed short episodes of feeling as if my right leg wouldn’t support me as I walked. I already knew having several recalibrations along the way was pretty normal so I didn’t let myself get discouraged. I've got this rolling with the punches thing down pat. I also knew my newest problems would be addressed and hopefully fixed during my next tweaking session, but first it was time for another $140,000.00 surgery.
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