Lately, I've been avoiding writing anything of substance on here. Mildred has taken a hiatus for the time being to complete 30 SONGS IN 30 DAYS. Most probably see it as me hanging out a sign stating "Gone Fishing. Will return next month." To most 30 SONGS IN 30 DAYS probably seems like a rather trivial task, but for someone who has a difficult time completing anything thus keeping success at bay, it's a major deal to look at this list everyday and go through the angst of the internal dialogue it generates. Deciding what song to choose is the first step and usually it takes awhile to dig inside myself to find just the right song choice. Next, I go on to argue with myself for awhile over the list being stupid and I'm wasting my time. Finally, I post a song to be one day closer to the 30 day completion mark...all the while never really feeling as if I can or will complete it. You talk about commitment phobia!
I can't even begin to express all the things I've started in life and tossed aside because succeeding is way too scary for me. Yes, failure sucks, but I know what that feels like. It's familiar, it's safe and it keeps everyone's expectations of me at a very low, manageable level. The frustration I feel over being an intelligent woman who probably could have done anything she wanted to do in life, yet chose to do nothing is immense and overwhelming. I'm sure it's a by-product of battling addiction most of my life...one of those lovely, inner demons whose soul mission it is to destroy whatever and whenever it can. Sometimes it's more than I can bare. Success is a distant, unknown entity and might as well be like me traveling to some distant solar system.
Meanwhile on my other blog, HANDPRINTS IN THE ATTIC I recount my younger years in Maine.
Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Mildred. Her ongoing mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life-forms and new civilizations; to boldly go where no one has gone before.While "exploring" out here in the blogosphere I came across another blogger searching for the same inner peace I seek. Her words in SYMPATHY FOR THE DEVIL touched me deeply and they definitely deserve to be paid forward by sharing her link with others. One must be able to embrace the truth in order to change, but sometimes I can't embrace what I refuse to see. Sometimes the truth is harsh and it rips off a few scabs, but when the wound finally heals properly you can barely see the scar. Perhaps I should do 30 TRUTHS IN 30 DAYS along with my song choices. Now, that would really be like World War III inside my head!