This is Day 29 in 30 TRUTHS IN 30 DAYS.
After weeping while rereading a post titled WORDS on one of my other blogs, my vision became crystal clear. I really did it this time and I don't know quite how to undo the damage done or if I should even try to undo it at this point. Apparently about 8 years ago I latched onto some negative ankle weights and from then on I've been struggling to stay afloat. Stupid me, doesn't seem to know how to reach down and take those damn weights off. Instead of doing what I've always done in the past which is make a mistake and move on, I decided to take a brief time-out to reflect upon how and why I always get into relationships that completely drain me dry. That time-out has lasted 8 years. I've always claimed sex causes brain damage and total blindness in some cases. If what I claim is true, then at this point I must have the brain of a genius and the eyesight of an hawk. Eight years of abstinence is INSANE! But I'm petrified to throw myself back out into the meat market. The thought of starting over in a life that has no guarantees and of how risky/foolish it is to think it'll be different next time if I do take the plunge is maddening to me. I just don't know if I have the stamina for all the work that a relationship requires. I think I like having control over the remote control and doing things my way, but what an empty life it can be at times without having a plus one.
Okay, so if I do ever take the plunge and cast myself out there again amongst the wolves and the pond swimming frogs how much should I reveal about my past to a "new" person? I’ve always believed honesty is the best policy, yet many friends have told me that when I start a relationship I'm too upfront and too willing to disclose who I am. I’ve been instructed to be less revealing and to hold back, to give myself in stages a little bit at a time and to be mysterious. It’s funny, but I’ve never felt awkward or embarrassed with anything I’ve revealed about myself and never felt any of it would be used against me in any way...until it was! I think I open up as a way to let the other person see what’s inside and also, in hopes that they will do the same. Great in theory, but it hasn’t ever worked out that way! I've been in some great one-sided relationships! Okay, mysterious...got it! I can be mysterious besides I have my blog to peel back the layers of this onion.
I’m not one of those types who will excessively talk about an ex, although I do think some mention of the person or at least any past significant relationship might be appropriate under the right circumstances. I know in the past, I've listened to guys do nothing, but talk about their ex as if they use that person as a measuring tape. It grows old quickly especially when you’re trying to conduct a relationship with the bozo and feel like you drag a ghost around with you everywhere you go. "We used to eat here." She always did this for me during the holidays." We always used to celebrate our birthdays in a very special way." Blah! Blah! Blah! If she's that damn great, why aren't you still with her? And why in hell are you wasting my time?
What appears obvious about those people is that not only are they holding onto the past, but they tend to get into rebound relationships where no one quite measures up to the person who broke their heart. I have to admit that I was someone’s rebound once. In fact, it was the relationship or I guess I should say nonrelationship I had 8 years ago that put me into this time-out abyss in which I live. I really did know better, but somehow my heart got sucked into the equation before I could stop it and I ended up hanging on way past the time I should have let go. Looking back I believe I did that because I saw what I thought was real potential, but in reality, the relationship was doomed due to the rebound factor. Statistically speaking, rebounds rarely work out even though anyone caught up in one always believes they will be the couple to beat the odds. I had been single for awhile and he hadn’t. Although they say rebound relationships are ordinarily conducted with someone you normally wouldn’t get involved with, I didn't believe this was so in our case. I thought under different circumstances and during another time, things could have/would have/should have been different, but that's just something I fooled myself into believing because I didn't want to admit I'd been a dumb ass and had been duped into being used.
We discussed rebound relationships many times and neither of us wanted to admit that’s what was happening between us. We both made excuses and overlooked stuff until I woke up one morning and made myself face reality. Under different circumstances, he wouldn't have even given me the time of day. I let go in stages because I simply didn’t have the strength to rip myself away all at once. I have to admit that was one of the hardest things I have ever done, but it was the right thing to do. Unfortunately, doing the right thing hurts like hell sometimes…I just know I couldn’t have gone on being merely a distraction from his pain instead of who he really wanted to be with. Now, I wonder if people only have a limited amount of capacity to love and be loved. Could it be possible I used up all my chances on all the wrong people? I'm so afraid I'll live the rest of my life never knowing what real love feels like. That thought deeply disturbs me.
TRUTH #29 - Being alone is better than being with the wrong person and it's certainly better than being the wrong person for someone else.