Monday, February 10, 2014

WON'T YOU BE MY NEIGHBOR?




Old Glory has seen better days!
I live in a neighborhood where the neighborly thing to do is to steal from your neighbors.  Oh, I guess it can't be called stealing if you borrow something from someone and the person that loaned the item dies.  Proper etiquette in those instances dictates that by default the item becomes yours and thus the item never has to be returned. And does taking the morning paper count as stealing?  Isn't possession 9/10's of the law?
My favorite tree...it has
character
 and refuses to die.
I live in a neighborhood where the standard practice is to display being a proud American by waving old Glory until she is battered and tattered into submission.  Maybe this is the South's subversive way of showing where their true allegiance lies.  To be honest I've never seen one Confederate flag displayed in such a disrespectful manner or a ROLL TIDE banner.

I live in a neighborhood where my neighbor has had the same pitiful diseased tree for more than 30 years.  My kids are all in their 30's now and that diseased tree was used to climb in when they were young.  Perhaps the homeowner is a tree hugger, but I doubt it since they had Romney-Ryan signs all over the front yard long after the last presidential election. Uh! Oh! Did I really accuse a republican not being being a tree hugger? Shame on me!

Take note of the flag
and the cross
 

I live in a neighborhood where Christmas lights are put up on the outside of homes long before Thanksgiving and left there long after the New Year.  Sometimes a person is even bold enough to leave them there all year long.  I love that kind of Christmas spirit and in honor of it, I decided to leave my Christmas tree up (an artificial one, of course) all year long.  I think the art of laziness should really be explored more deeply.

I live in a neighborhood where the religious zealots who come door to door obviously don't know what NO SOLICITORS means. I guess they don't consider what they're doing is trying to sell religion or maybe it's as simple as being just plain stupid. I always want to direct them 2 doors down to the house with the flashing cross on the outside.  They definitely want God to notice them!  Me? I just tell them I'm Jewish or Muslim and that gets them moving along fast enough. 
At least there's no car
up on
blocks and
dogs sleeping underneath

I live in a neighborhood where many people believe mowing the grass is an option.  It seems the going trend is grow it all summer and let the winter kill the over growth and weeds. Those people who take that approach to mowing usually have discarded tires in the front yard and other unsightly junk decorating their yard.  I must admit it makes me want to have a dump truck full of fresh manure delivered and dumped in my front yard in the dead of summer when it's close to 100 degrees.  The only problem with doing that is I'm afraid everyone in the neighborhood would either steal my shit or beat the shit out of me!  

I guess it's drop one AC
out the
window and
 install another.

No, I don't steal from my neighbors (honestly, I can't see anything worth stealing).  I don't have a tattered American flag.  I don't have a diseased tree.  I don't have Christmas lights or religious artifacts.  My yard is mowed.  The trash is put where it's supposed to go...in the trashcan.  Let's face it!  I simply don't belong! I guess it's time for me to get new neighbors!  Wouldn't you like to be my neighbor?

8 comments:

  1. That was funny. The AC was my favorite. My neighborhood could use some beautification. I think there is a brothel across the street...

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    1. We had one of those in the past...very interesting late at night!

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  2. There is a fierce and determined hilarity in you that I admire. This post hit so close to home --yes, even in California where motorcycles have no mufflers-- that I had to comment. Yes, I'd love to be your neighbor. My compliments and admiration.

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  3. I'm back! That is my fave "Mildred" post, just so you know. I read it multiple times.

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    1. So you like Mildred being sarcastic? That runs deep in my New England blood.

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  4. "Pride of Ownership" is a major selling point for me when I looking for a new place to buy. It's the best we can do until realtors develop some sort of system where you can meet and interview the new neighbors prior to signing.

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    Replies
    1. I always say to take a drive through late at night to get a good picture of the neighborhood.

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