Sunday, June 01, 2014

A TIME TO LET GO

The past few months have made me feel as if I've been on the lowest rung of some ghastly emotional food chain.  About the time I had my battle with UPS over a painting that had gotten damaged in shipping, the bottom seemed to fall out.  I definitely believe in moving past negative relationships or circumstances that create drama and angst, so when it became apparent that I needed to end my 40+year association with a group of people, I did it without any regrets.  My only battle scar from it has been that I haven't been able to paint since then.  Even though I know certain things that were said to me were said with the sole purpose of hurting me, my confidence in my artistic ability is shot.  My ego took a huge hit and I feel somewhat empty now.  Even though I may never be what some would consider a true artist, I had fun with what I did.  It relaxed me and gave me an outlet to express what's lurking on the inside.  My next step needs to be finding a path back to the things I once enjoyed doing.


A couple months ago a close friend of mine lost her middle child. I don't know what losing a child feels like and I hope I never do, but Daniel's death is about as close to it as I ever want to get.  Even though waves of grief still hit me at unexpected times and I truly want them to subside, my main concern since this tragedy happened isn't with myself and my own feelings, my heart is with his mother, my friend and with her battle.  I want so desperately to help her, but I know there isn't anything concrete that I can do to ease her pain and suffering.  It's difficult when every fiber of my being wants to make a difference in her life and to lighten her load, yet the reality of the situation is in the harsh knowledge that no difference can be made by anyone.  Time is the only thing that can help her now.

As many of you know, I battle with several serious health problems.  Recently, tests have revealed that some of my illnesses are getting worse.  On an intellectual level I've always known that would happen eventually, but on a feeling level when it has happened, I'm at a loss for how to handle it because I've always been Wonder Woman and Wonder Woman doesn't get ill and she doesn't age.  I'm one of those people who tend to isolate themselves when things aren't going well and isolating myself has gotten extremely easy over the last few years for a variety of reasons.  In many ways, it gives me a strange sense of comfort.  Does that make sense to anyone?  I've always referred to myself as a hermit or a troglodyte, but the truth is that's exactly what I am now.  A once vibrant woman is now nothing more than a sophisticated cave-dweller.  Perhaps, I should cash in on my current status and develop a line of clothing and furnishings for trendy troglodyte. 

15 comments:

  1. #1....who do you paint for...you or the unknown someone. If you paint for you then get out those paints and enrich your life. Who cares what anyone else thinks of what you do. Painting is healing.

    #2...your friend is no doubt helped immeasurably knowing how you empathize with her....just be there for her when she needs to talk or cry. It's the hardest job but I have a feeling you would be good at it.

    #3...I'm sure being alone and dealing with your illness is the best thing for you at times...but remember....people want to be there for you. Don't deprive them of that. Let them in once in a while.

    And if you decide to develop that line of clothing design some for the over age, chubby, current and edgy troglodyte okay lol.

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  2. Sometimes (often) that cave is the safest most comfortable place to be. And I hope you will start to decorate its walls with your art.
    Like Delores I am pretty certain that your friend is helped by the fact that you are hurting for her - and hurting with her.
    Why is it that we accept the negatives flung our way soooo much better than any compliments? Even when we know that they were said just to hurt. Not rational - and something I also do.
    And yes to the design plan. Troglodytes unite!

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    1. Troglodytes unite....love it! Should we design a banner to wear on our blogs?

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    2. Yes. And when I say we should design it - I mean someone with talent should design it. Hint, subtle hint.

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    3. Is that your attempt at being subtle? ha!ha!

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  3. Replies
    1. I know...it's just easy to be weak when I'm aren't feeling well. Ordinarily, I'm a force to be reckoned with!

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  4. I was glad to see you posting: I was sorry to hear your sorrows.

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  5. My dear friend, you have a wonderful talent that begs to be shared!! Your paintings are wonderful and I proudly display the one done for me! I am pretty sure I know where the negative comments originated and I am so sorry. This takes me back to a conversation we had quite some time ago about your mother putting up her painting and never touching it again. It would be so sad to have history repeat itself. Please put the negativity in its proper place - bury it and rise above it!
    As for your health, just take it one day at a time and do the things that make you happiest. By the way, one of those is painting, in case you were wondering!
    I was so sorry to hear of the death of your friends child. You are right, time is the true healer, but knowing that others care so deeply has to be comforting to her.
    Hey...I just had a thought.....put some of your ideas for "Trendy Troglodyte Threads" on canvas!!! <3<3

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    1. Martha, you're so kind...I love you dearly! Trendy Troglodyte Threads for saucy tarts and other misfits!

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  6. I think you are the most amazing lady I know. Do not hibernate yourself from the world. Your talents are huge and should not be kept from the rest of us. I know in your heart you want to share them so do that would you!

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