Friday, March 07, 2014

MY SOUNDS OF SILENCE

I've drifted throughout life in search of a certain touch, an unmistakable look of acceptance and an intuitive knowing of what comes next. The only thing I've heard as I’ve waited for my inner voice to tell me my search is over are the repetitious sounds of silence.  My search has taken me far off course and into unchartered waters more times than I care to admit.  Many times, it was a sink or swim situation and although I always managed to stay afloat, in the absence of never quite finding the love I wanted or needed, what I discovered was equally as valuable as love itself...I found what love isn’t. 
 
Love is not a chemical reaction…an explosion of hormones. It’s not a crush, infatuation, lust or anything superficial and temporary. Love is a state of being when two minds join and co-exist as one, yet are miraculously are totally independent of each other at the same time. It has a quiet confidence and a reassuring, unmistakable strength. Love is not forced… it just is. It happens when and if the time is right and only then. Love isn’t something you ever have to question because if you have to question it, it isn’t love. When love happens, it’s there whether you’re both in the same room or thousands of miles apart. Love endures mistakes, pain and flaws both physical and emotional. Love transcends distance and time. Love perpetually strives to create a better place, a more perfect "us", an eternal flame that will flicker even in the wildest of storms to guide you home where your heart belongs. 

These words may echo from an empty sadness, yet I do not feel empty or sad.  Yes, I am alone, but I do not fear the path I walk alone.  I walk with hope as my companion .  I choose to believe I will finally feel the love I know I deserve before I die.  Until then I walk alone and will continue to love myself until someone else shares that love with me.

Sunday, March 02, 2014

THE MAMMOTH CAVE

When I first started Mildred Ratched Memoirs, it was as an assignment from my therapist who I always lovingly referred to as a "yoyo inspector". She wanted me to keep a daily journal and the only stipulation she made was that each journal entry had to end with a gratitude statement. The topics could be of my own choosing. Instead of doing a conventional hand written journal, I decided to do mine in blog form since I had been blogging since 2004.

Although I've kept Mildred Ratched Memoirs alive long after stopping my visits to the yoyo inspector, somewhere along the way I stopped doing my gratitude statements. I have to be honest and admit that I miss them. They made me end each blog post on a positive note. When a person is struggling with an emotional upheaval or maybe just tying up some loose ends that have been dangling for far too long having to find things to be grateful about isn't always an easy task. I remember I ended one post with a gratitude statement about being grateful I didn't have hemorrhoids. That one made my therapist laugh.


Reposted and edited from CAVE LIFE 101 (February 22, 2010)

People with alternative lifestyles or who have a different sexual orientation than the rest of mainstream America may reside in a closet until they decide to emerge, but depressed people dwell in a dark, dingy cave many times filled with items of convenience so they won't have to ever emerge. A few years ago, I purchased a small refrigerator and a microwave to put in my bedroom, so I wouldn't have to leave it. That was around the same time as I bought a 52-inch HDTV for my bedroom. I should have seen the writing on the wall, but like most things, I ignored the warning signs until the damage had been done. I simply didn't care that I was a cave dweller.

Hey, people I live in Florida and in an area where the beaches don't suck. As described in the following quote: "The gentle breeze is still soothing just as the crystal-clear waves roll in from the emerald sea. The flawless white sand is just as soft as before, and the sea oats still dance for a glowing sun". Pensacola boasts to have the whitest beaches in Florida. So why does a person who once was a sun worshipper no longer even venture out into the light of day? No, I haven't joined the ranks of the undead! Not yet, at least!

I think it has to do with having an addictive personality and being self-destructive. I always loved to binge and then I'd grow bored with the object of my addiction. This behavior held true in every aspect of my life even the small ones. For example, I loved to read, but unlike a normal person who would read a book and then go onto the next or perhaps take a break between books, I would read 10 books in 2 weeks and then be done for 6 months or more. I buy books now and never read them. I sit and look at the cover or maybe read the first page a few hundred times, but I never finish reading the book. I guess the same holds true with the beach. I burnt myself out on being sun burned beach bunny. Actually, that's probably a good thing!

Tomorrow, I have my next yoyo appointment. I know she wants me to start dealing with issues I'd rather just leave in the cave. I'd rather discuss how I've spent the last 2 days cleaning and rearranging my cave and how good that made me feel...physically drained, but mentally better. I'd rather talk about why I feel the need to throw something away if I haven't used it in 6 months and why I have so little in which I assign sentimental value. Material objects have never meant very much to me...easy come, easy go! I'd rather discuss anything other than sexual abuse and being self-destructive. I think I may be in a horribly foul mood tomorrow!

Gratitude statement: I'm thankful it's today and not tomorrow.

I read my words now and ask myself, "What’s changed?" and I have to admit that I'm still a troglodyte and the rut I was in has widened over time. I really don't know where or how to begin to stop this abyss.

Gratitude statement: I'm grateful for the self awareness I possess and hope that it eventually kick starts some motivation to change my life while I still can.

Thursday, February 27, 2014

MY SLICE OF LIFE

My slice of life!
Monday I had a child support court date. Although this saga has been an ongoing one for almost 3 decades, fortunately, I haven't had to attend a court date in many, many years.  You see, when my children were young their father felt he had no financial or moral obligation to them after we got divorced.  Many times I tried to reason with him by telling him any unpaid child support wasn't a debt that simply vanished like the proverbial rabbit in the magician's hat and I also tried countless times to encourage him to have a relationship with his children. Both pleas fell on deaf ears!  Due solely to his bad choices he learned the hard way and now he pays back child support on a debt that was at one time over $70,000.  The current balance is just over $14,000, so I'm sure he finally sees the light of day, but the real damage he did goes far deeper than what can be seen in dollars and cents.  The real damage can be measured by his two sons (both in their 30's) who refer to him not as their father, but as "the sperm donor".  

This snippet wasn't intended to be about him or the debt he incurred during his deadbeat era, but rather about the large cesspool in which many divorced parents drown...the child support system.  I was truly amazed at how unprepared the hearing officer was regarding the information in each case presented.  The judge was clearly annoyed at her, but bureaucracy seems to always have so much red tape that prevents one hand from ever knowing what the other is doing. Nothing runs smoothly or quickly and it's the children who ultimately suffer!  

As I left the courtroom, I breathed a huge sigh of relief knowing that my days struggling to stay afloat in that system were all, but over.  My children are grown and no longer have to hear me tell them that delayed gratification builds character each time they had to wait to get something they wanted. I worked hard throughout their childhood and provided for all their needs.  It was their wants that sometimes suffered due to lack of funds, but I'm sure they're stronger, more understanding men for having gone through that.  

As I watched my ex walk across the parking lot I tried to remember why I ever loved him and what I ever saw in him. All I saw now as I took one last look at him was a cold, bitter middle-aged man and truthfully, what I saw didn't appeal to me on any level. As I sat there and reveled in my indifference, all of a sudden it made sense to me why it felt good to tell the judge I had no objection to him having his driver's license reinstated.  Harboring no ill will or resentment towards him gave me a sudden rush of good feelings, but not for him...they were for me. I was proud of myself for rising above and moving forward. It felt so liberating knowing I really was on the other side looking back and not the over way around.

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

THE KNIFE OF FLU'S REGRET

This week's Words For Wednesday are: incarcerate, phlegm, damp, groan, knife and blessing.
 

A flummoxed state of being
A blessing in disguise
A fevered mind thinks of freeing
A vision from its tear stained eyes.

In a darkened room
Loudly from within
I groan from gloom, I moan with doom
The questions now begin.

To be or not to be
Incarcerate or flee
To be or not to be
Influenza vexes me.

Phlegm soaked tissues; swollen glands
A body damp with fevered sweat
Needs the tender care of loving hands
To pacify the knife of flu’s regret.

by Mildred Ratched 



Tuesday, February 25, 2014

MARKETING GENIUS OR TASTELESS TWIT?

Anyone familiar with YouTube knows they come accompanied with an annoying commercial at the beginning of each video.  The viewer has the option to skip the ad after a just a few seconds. For quite awhile whenever I'd view any YouTube video, I always get the same advertisement.  After skipping it many times, I finally watched it.  OMG!  WTF! Were the advertisement gods trying to tell me something? Is this stuff for real?  And if so, I know what I'm buying everyone for Christmas next year!

  

Thursday, February 20, 2014

PENICILLIN FOR YOUR SOUL

Taken from Under The Porch Light's Words For Wednesday:
 
Words for Wednesday’  is a once a week writing prompt that has carried over from ‘thefeatherednest’.  The prompt could be a selection of words,  a photo,  an idea or a couple of sentences you can use to start a piece of flash fiction.  Write a poem or a story using as much or as little of the prompt as you please or offer us something entirely different as a prompt.  There are no deadlines, no rules...just a bit of good clean fun.  Put your creation in comments here or let us know if you are posting on your own blog.   Please let me know if you want to be listed in the sidebar as a participant.
 
Today’s prompt is:
actual
spontaneous
remedy
fanciful
mesmerized
cranium
 
OR
 
listen
glisten
christen
moisten
hasten
penicillin
 
I chose "listen, glisten, christen, moisten, hasten and penicillin" and wrote the following short poem using those words:
 

Can you hear your inner song?

It beckons you to sing along

Painted with love’s brightest ray

A glisten-streaked joyful day

 

A song to christen your doubtful heart

With eternal hope and fearless starts

Moisten the most barren land

With seeds to sow and gentle hand

 

Hasten now my wounded child

That inner song will make you smile

It may sound like rock and roll

Penicillin for your soul.
 
I love reading the various responses posted on Under The Porch Light.  The creativity that flows forth is simply amazing!  Thank you, Delores for allowing me to participate!

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

TO POT OR NOT: THE MEDICAL MARIJUANA DEBATE

When I disclosed my various health issues in
THE BEAST WITHIN ME or when I revealed my angst regarding the pain I experience in THE TRUTH IS A VIRUS, I should have taken those opportunities to start a discussion regarding medical marijuana. As they always say..."better late than never!"

Twenty states now have laws making the use of medicinal marijuana legal as long as it's prescribed by a licensed physician. Unfortunately I don't live in any of those states so I can't try it out unless I do it illegally at the present time.  At my age, risky behavior has lost its appeal. Florida and a few other states have medical marijuana amendments on their November 2014 ballots.  Since I reside in Florida, I thought it's time to become better informed.  I've read many articles about all the studies and research done regarding medical marijuana and its uses, but I think I need more than that.  I need the personal touch of having an actual discussion/debate to be able to better weigh its possible benefits.  

I know the opposition still regards marijuana as nothing more than gateway drug and sees it as having no real value to treat any medical condition, but from what I've read lately the majority of the medical community considers medical marijuana as a viable option to treat many health problems. Perhaps, after going down the road of trying various types of narcotic pain killers, having several surgeries and trying alternative methods of pain management (massage therapy, aquatic therapy, internal and external neurostimulators and chiropractors) to help ease my chronic pain and to help improve the quality of my life by making it easier for me to function, I'm more than ready to try something I can benefit from for the long haul! 

Yes, medical marijuana is becoming a hot topic, but I know many people are hesitant to discuss it and whether it should be legal or not, but let's face it, the times they are a changing! For those of you who aren't afraid to speak out, I'd really like to read your opinions on the subject both pro and con.  Do you know anyone who lives in a state where medical marijuana is legal and benefits from its use?  If so, what's the medical condition that it's used to treat?  And if you had one of the many conditions medical marijuana is supposed to help, would you consider using it as a viable treatment rather than taking a man made pharmaceutical with potential harmful side effects or subjecting yourself to repeated surgeries that don't help?  Is medical marijuana just a stoner's ultimate pipe dream or should I look into this treatment if it becomes legal?

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

THE BEAST WITHIN ME

As this year winds down, it's time for me to reflect on the things that affect my life the most.  In the past several years, my health issues have worsened, but I think I've finally gotten to the point of being so sick and tired of being sick and tired that it's time for me to dig down deep and grab whatever stamina I have left and try to save this slowly sinking ship.  2014 has got to be a year of change! Great things have got to happen!

Here's a list of my current health problems:

1. Insulin dependent Type ll Diabetes - uncontrolled, of course!  No doctor in the past 11 years
since I was diagnosed has been able to get my A1C in a normal range.  Trust me, EVERYTHING has been tried and it remains a mystery as to why my diabetes is so tenacious.  I wonder if it might have a genetic factor to it since my paternal grandmother had the same type of tenacity with treating her diabetes.  As an added bonus of my uncontrolled diabetes I developed diabetic neuropathy in my feet.  The burning sensation and stabbing pain is so bad at times it makes me want to cry.  Standing on my feet during these bouts is challenging and very painful.  Recently, I was put on Lyrica and that initially helped with easing the neuropathic pain in my feet and also with the "all over" pain I experience from fibromyalgia I was diagnosed as having about a decade ago.  My other diabetic related health problem is gastroparesis. Gastroparesis is another fun diabetic complication!  Food sits undigested in my stomach for long periods of time due to damaged nerves in my stomach.  It's hard to describe how good food tastes when it goes down and how putrid it is after sitting in my stomach for a day or so.  This condition causes pain in my upper gastric tract.  Needless to say, I eat A LOT of cottage cheese and applesauce which is easy to digest.  I do feel thankful that I haven't developed anything more serious as a result of my uncontrolled diabetes and hope my upcoming endocrinologist appointment will be a start to finding a solution to these problems. 
 
2. Pain - I'm lumping all my various spinal related issues into one large category called "PAIN".   In 2003, I had 2 disks in my neck fused.  At that time, I was told I had the neck of a 94 year old woman and was told I had several things going on with my back and neck.  After that surgery, I swore I'd never have another surgery because the recovery was so difficult.  "Never" lasted 9 years.  By the time I had my second neck surgery, I couldn't raise my head to eye level without it causing my arms to go completely numb.  It was next to impossible to function without the use of my arms and I knew the longer I put off surgery the more permanent the nerve damage was going to be, so it was back to the neurosurgeon to have 2 more disks fused.  From September 2012 to June 2013, a nine month period I had 3 back surgeries.  My neurosurgeon claims there isn't anything else he can do for me, so basically, I'm supposed to just grin and bear it but grinning and bearing it consists of days where I can barely walk or stand up straight due to the intense pain.  I have severe headaches from the muscles in my neck and back tightening and causing horrific muscle spasms, nausea and blurred vision.  I know I need to go get a second opinion, but I'm really afraid to do that.  I keep asking myself what I'm afraid of and I don't know if it's that someone will agree that there's nothing else that can be done for me or if someone will say I need more surgery.  Of course, I see a pain management specialist, but all that means is getting combos of potent narcotics to take.  I so hate doing that, but am forced to take the pain meds when I can't function any other way.  In 2009, I went off ALL my pain meds cold turkey because I wasn't getting the relief from them I should have been getting.  It was insane to keep filling my body with meds that were doing more harm than good.  Withdrawal took about a month of pure hell. Now 4 years later, I'm right back there again and the doctor wants to try me on what I call the "Dear Jesus" patch (Duragesic)  or Methadone because everything else I take or have taken just doesn't work.   I'm not sure how I feel about taking this next step.  I'll mull it over in the next couple of weeks before my next appointment with him and make some sort of decision. 

3.  Autoimmune hepatitis - The 3 most common autoimmune diseases are lupus, rheumatoid arthritis and Crohn's disease.  Apparently my body has decided it doesn't like my liver anymore.  Isn't that special?  Too bad it didn't decide to dislike the fat on my stomach and hips instead!  After having a complete work up (CT of the abdomen, abdominal ultrasound, labwork, etc.) followed by a liver biopsy, my doctor thought it was best that I go to Oschner's Clinic in New Orleans.  It's the closest transplant facility to where I live.  He felt it was a good idea for me to get in their system in case at some future date I need their services.  The following is a short rundown on what an autoimmune disease is if you're not familiar with it.
Our bodies have an immune system, which is a complex network of special cells and organs that defends the body from germs and other foreign invaders. At the core of the immune system is the ability to tell the difference between self and nonself: what's you and what's foreign. A flaw can make the body unable to tell the difference between self and nonself. When this happens, the body makes autoantibodies that attack normal cells by mistake. At the same time special cells called regulatory T cells fail to do their job of keeping the immune system in line. The result is a misguided attack on your own body. This causes the damage we know as autoimmune disease. The body parts that are affected depend on the type of autoimmune disease.
4. Sleep apnea -  Controlled with the use of a CPAP machine. This one I got scared into doing because my O2 stats had dropped to 73% while sleeping (anything under 90% is considered respiratory distress) and I had stopped breathing over 150 times per hour determined by a sleep study, but the good news was that I had also started breathing again over 150 times.  When the doctor reviewed the results of my sleep study, he was amazed that I hadn't had a stroke or a heart attack in my sleep.  That night I started using my CPAP machine and have used it every night since then.  I am a believer!

5. All the other "lesser" stuff - high blood pressure (controlled by meds), high cholesterol (controlled by meds), Vitamin D deficiency (in the process of being controlled by meds), GERD (controlled by meds), chronic insomnia (uncontrolled, but I do take Trazodone and it works sometimes), adult onset asthma (controlled by meds PRN)  I'm sure I've missed something, but quite frankly, my dear...I don't give a damn right now!  I'm off to take a nap because all of a sudden I desperately need one.

Update 2/19/14: I've been on 2 more rounds of 3 months of Vitamin D therapy but my lab values refuse to improve.  I have an appointment with an endocrinologist to address that and my diabetes.  I think I'm falling apart!

6. Depression and anxiety - This is something I've been in denial about for such a long time, but it's the silent, dark horse I ride.  I isolate myself so I don't have to be around people because I don't want them to see me suffer, but isolating myself is the worse thing I can do.  I know depression makes all ailments feel worse, but to treat it means taking more drugs and many of those drugs cause weigh gain and any weight gain makes my diabetes worse.  It's a vicious circle that seems to have no jumping off point.  I no longer know how to help myself.  At this point I don't know if there is any real help.

Wednesday, November 06, 2013

THE PROSTATE AWARENESS BLUES

When I first started blogging back in the Stone Age (2004), I became blogging buddies with many people on MS Spaces.

[Side note]  I wish someone would coin a term for "blogging buddies".  How about calling them "bluddies"?

One bluddy who won my heart through his written words is jockfullonuts or Jnuts as I dubbed him as we discovered we were not only kindred spirits, but also Siamese twins separated at a very young age.  Although this is a repost, I find it just as appropriate for Prostate Cancer Awareness Month 2013 as it was when I first wrote it. 

Here is Jock's rant titled "Footloose and Diaper Free" :
So, it wasn't as bad as I anticipated. There was no rectal exam. This was merely a PSA blood test. If my bloodwork comes back elevated, I will worry about the old finger bang at that time. Which is fine, as my 'roids have been acting up lately and the only way someone is going to shove anything up my ass is after they give me a bottle of tequila and they are in possession of a jackhammer.

When asked if I wanted the rectal in addition to the PSA, I politely declined by saying, "only if you buy me dinner and call me daddy." My offer was refused. I DID get a Tootsie Pop and a blue ribbon enameled pin signifying "Prostate Awareness." I was already aware I had a prostate, but I took the pin anyway.



How could I leave that alone? I honestly tried, but the force was strong within him! I answered the call of the wild with my own little twist titled "A Visit To Dr. Pain's Office" but included his delightful and very insightful words on my blog as a lead in for what I wanted to say:
I'd like to take this opportunity and turn a simple medical diagnostic test into a Men Are From Mars and Women Are From Venus moment. I believe every man I've ever known who has had a prostate exam has described the doctor as having fingers the size of tree limbs and the personality of Marquis de Sade. It's not difficult to picture the doctor coming into the examining room, snapping those latex gloves and telling the patient that the procedure may be a little uncomfortable. Uncomfortable? How about humiliating? And the poor fool isn't even being offered dinner and a movie to go along with it!

I know medical staff do their best to preserve a person's dignity, but how dignifying can a prostate exam be if you're a male or a Pap smear and mammogram be if you're a female? The majority of people reserve access to the vajayjay, the twins and the Incredible Hulk exclusively for their significant other. Now, here we are with an almost total stranger and we're PAYING them to prod and poke us. Nope, we aren’t in some sleazy motel with a prostitute! We're in an examining room with our doctor!

From a woman's perspective, I'd have to say Pap smears and mammograms are most likely the equivalent to the prostate exam. Guys, you're lucky because prostate exams aren't routinely done until a man reaches middle age. Ladies have to endure the joy of Pap smears and pelvic exams annually from the time they first become sexually active. Mammograms aren't started until later, but are routinely done at an earlier age than when prostate exams are started.

For the men who have never had their significant other complain about the whole female going to the gynecologist ordeal, let me fill you in. We not only get the Pap smear and pelvic exam, but we get a rectal exam also. We also have a breast exam and then are sent to have a mammogram depending on what age we are. What can I really say about having a complete stranger stuff my breasts into a cold metal vice and flattening them to the width of a pancake except, "oh boy! Where can I get one of those gadgets to have at home?" (Okay ladies...are you laughing with me?)

I guess the most difficult part of the whole exam experience is the waiting for the results part. Yep! We feel great! We didn't notice any lumps or any other abnormalities, but you never know! You always hear horror stories about someone who feels great one minute and then finds out they have cancer the next. I'm not a fretter and can only imagine what the wait for test results must be like for someone who worries about every little thing in life. They must drive themselves and everyone around them crazy in that period of time. How does anyone reassure or console someone like that?  Crushed valium sprinkled over ice cream, perhaps?  Or a several shots of their favorite liquid poison?

I have a suggestion for both genders. Guys, do something special for your lady to let her know you're there with her in spirit during this process. It doesn't take much to let someone know you care about them. A nice dinner out? A romantic getaway for both of you? Ladies, the same goes for you. Our guys need support, too (remember they're whiners!). How about tickets to a ballgame, taking him to a movie he wants to see (and you pay for it or it doesn't count) or buying something slinky from Victoria's Secret to wear for him? Just remember it's the thought that counts and doing something small may mean the world to the person you love. Actions always speak louder than words and here's an excellent opportunity to say 'I love you" very loudly!


So there you have it except for the comment our beloved Jock left for me as a response to what I had written:
Leave it to you to take my insipid tale about Nurse Ratched and turn it into something extremely worthwhile. I loved it and agree, except for one thing. Men are whiners? Oh, you must die! I'd come over there and slap you, but my back is killing me because I had to do dishes today. Damn, the pain is so intense from standing there it feels like I'm getting ready to give birth! Oh, and my hands are now all pruny and I think I'm coming down with the flu, because I've been sneezing and have a headache. Although, the headache could be from standing over the sink while steam rising from the water made me dizzy and disoriented. Mommy! I need to take a nap.
 

Thursday, October 24, 2013

FROM THE CATHOUSE

Dwight Cat
born 10/08/1996
No intermission is complete without a picture of one's pets. So after that titillating post about the Red Sox, let me introduce you to the eldest member of my zoo. In 1994, I bought 2 Himalayan kittens, a male, blue point who my sons named Beavis and a female tortie point my husband named Dixie. When they got old enough to breed, the female would have a flame point kitten every other litter. I kept a total of 2 kittens, although I have to admit I wanted to keep them all.  The only thing cuter than a furry little kitten is several furry little kittens. One of the kittens I kept was a seal point named my sons named Chewy and one was a flame point we collectively nicknamed Whitey. The seal point was actually the one who insisted on keeping Whitey.  As time grew closer to sell the kittens, Chewy who was almost a year older than Whitey kept separating Whitey from the rest of the litter.  He would carry him like a mother cat would carry a kitten and he would hide him behind or under furniture or put him in a closet if he found one with an open door.  After he did that enough times, I finally got the message.  Whitey was spared, but my husband wasn't. Chewy insisted that it was the right thing to do, so how did I spell relief? D-I-V-O-R-C-E because Chewy always knew best! lol

Thursday, August 29, 2013

WANDERLUST STRIKES AGAIN

I'm off to kiss the Blarney Stone in a few days and anything else my lips feel like kissing as I mull around Ireland. I'll be back mid-September or so and hopefully, I'll have a tale or two to tell and plenty of great photos to post.

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

CURIOSITY KILLED THE CAT

And satisfaction brought him back. Curiosity is an odd thing actually and what triggers it in each of us is as different and individual as we are. Whereas some people may thirst for knowledge or the meaning of life, others crave simply to find out intimate details about the people around them. We call their curiosity being nosy. I like to find out what makes people tick. I find human behavior and the human brain fascinating. I always find myself watching people when I’m out in public. When someone has some idiosyncrasy I try my best to find out when it started and why. 

I guess my curiosity is a combination of being nosy and seeking some sort of enlightenment. I’ve known some people who are like a sponge when it comes to reading books. They absorb knowledge and use it as they see fit in their lives. Their constant path is one of betterment and positive change. I believe people absorbing knowledge are attempting to reach self-actualization…the highest or most perfect state of being. So what makes you curious? Do you pursue your curiosity to satisfaction or do allow yourself to remain thirsty?

Monday, March 18, 2013

MILDRED'S Rx FOR SERENITY

There's no easy formula to get through difficult times with your sanity still intact. I'm sure each of us has our own method of coping (anything from self-medicating, banging our heads on a wall, contemplating creatively painful ways to make our source of pain suffer as much as we suffer, bellowing out a good old primal scream to quiet walks on the beach, exercising, writing a stinging blog post, listening to music, deep breathing, etc.) I find that when I try to control a situation or someone else's behavior I suffer immensely from frustration, disappointment and emotional exhaustion. It wasn't until I finally was able to let go and let live that I achieved a certain inner peace. I now pick my battles wisely. The small stuff I simply let go and the larger, more important things that need a change, I allow the change to come from within and not externally. I simply stopped looking for solutions in the eyes of others.

In the case of my mother who a few years ago drove me to the brink of having a nervous breakdown, I simply use common sense now. Her health and well-being are first and most important. The rest, like it or not are her decisions and wishes. Sure, she still does exactly as she's always done, but it's me who has changed how those things affect me. It's no longer a power struggle between us. I've discovered we can enjoy whatever time left we have together without a perpetual tug-o-war. The thought of my last memories of her being so negative didn't sit well with me. I knew I needed to change that. As for my siblings and their relationship with her...well, it's exactly that...their relationship and not mine. They are the ones who have to look themseleves in the mirror. It just isn't worth all the chaos and bad feelings it causes by placing myself in the middle and it rarely accomplishes anything positive for anyone involved. And I really do feel okay with my present stance. That's what matters most, isn't it?

About a year ago I taped the Serenity Prayer on the wall above my computer. I say it EVERY day and some days I say it MANY times. No, I'm not a religious person, but I do find a certain unmistaken wisdom in those 25 words. I'm not entirely sure about the "GOD" part, but in my case, I believe "God" is the inner peace and serenity I seek and not some ageless, mystical being sitting somewhere in judgment of us all. My God is forgiving and allows me to love unconditionally even those people who have hurt me the most in life. My God allows compromise. I no longer have to be right or have things go the way I want them. All that has fallen by the wayside as my perspective and priorities have changed. My God allows me to see that everything happens just as it's supposed to happen and that even the horrible, devastating things in life have a purpose by making me a stronger and more compassionate person. I've learned making mistakes is okay as long as I learn from my mistakes. I've learned NO ONE is perfect and that getting through the most difficult days is done by putting one foot in front of the other and not letting pain paralyze me. I've learned that I am who I am because of ALL the experiences in my life. I've come to believe that I wouldn't have these insights without the pain...or without the joys I have felt along the way. I no longer feel a need to apologize for my past or to place blame. It is what it is! I can either find comfort and strength in knowing I'm a resourceful survivor or I can drown in my own pain by allowing myself to remain an emotional cripple. I choose courage and wisdom! I choose sanity for the first time in my life!


Friday, March 15, 2013

THE IDES OF MARCH

The one thing I find glaringly apparent about those who blog regardless of the person's age, sex, cultural background, economic status or sexual orientation is that we all hold the right to express our feelings and opinions via the written word in high regard. The technology of the past few decades has provided us with an excellent medium for doing just that with countless people we would have otherwise never known. I truly wish more people would come out of the shadows and learn to voice what's brewing just below the surface because you never know when sharing a personal experience or an opinion might help someone else through a difficult time. Even negative feedback seems to have a home here and often times has a positive outcome by bringing people closer together.

The things I write about come mostly from my personal experiences in life and from the thoughts that randomly race through my head. Although I'm fast approaching that golden age of being older than dirt, I find it refreshing that a blog can be ageless and timeless. To be able to bridge the generational gap and find a common ground or to be able to reach across the gender gap and make the other side have a lightbulb moment keeps us all forever young and acutely human. We don't mature into an entirely new or different person, we just become an older and hopefully wiser version of who we were when we were young. Basically, I think regardless of our differences, we all strive to maintain a certain pursuit of happiness and sometimes that pursuit gets clouded by the horrors of everyday life, but without that pursuit, life is void of meaning and purpose. So for what it's worth, I hope all your lives are filled with happy hunting, endless lightbulb moments and the courage to remain open-minded. I want to thank each of you who visit Mildred for taking the time to take advantage of your freedom of speech by leaving heartfelt and thought-provoking comments. I love you all!

Sunday, December 09, 2012

A LIFE INTERRUPTED

The act of dying and how it affects friends and loved ones is difficult at any time of the year, but during the Christmas season it seems to intensify by a hundredfold. Many times in the past month during moments of silent lucidity, I've found myself lost in deep thought and when the realization that most of what happens in life are things meant for people to just accept without question, I struggle desperately with that acceptance especially when it involves the untimely death of a kind, gentle soul.

I know we all live and eventually die. The end unfortunately will come like an unwelcome visitor that we cannot avoid. As the end grows near, the ability to see a clear light at the end of the tunnel no longer exists. A new light emerges within us and we are able to let go of all we have known and loved as the light illuminates the pathway we all must take. That old phrase "and this too shall pass..." has vanished into some dark, abyss and what we are faced with is a journey into the true unknown.

The process of our final decline is a difficult process for all involved. We not only shutdown physically, but often times, we shutdown emotionally as well. At that point, hindsight and foresight become one very narrow view and a social death often times precedes the actually physical death we will experience. For many of us, we enter and exit life the same way...alone! Yet, how uplifting an experience it is to witness a family come together and rally around a loved one to make their transition easier. In the past month, I have seen courage as I have never seen it before. I know I have been in the presence of true love and amazing grace.

Each time throughout my life when death has called, I've asked myself what is death? Is it the end or a beginning somewhere beyond our comprehension? I know religious people can quote many passages from the Bible depicting how the afterlife will be. But can the afterlife really be a state of perfection for such imperfect beings? And how are we imperfect beings supposed to adjust to all that perfection? Won't all the harp playing and singing become deafening and maddening? Won't it make those blissful souls seated in such angelic dwellings wish for something a little more "earthly" or less perfect? A road less traveled, perhaps? I've never been one to go quietly into the night! The norm has always bothered me and as I get older, I find myself asking "why" a lot more often than I did during my defiant youth. For now, I smile knowing that I'll always sing a little off key and forget the lyrics from time to time no matter where I am or who I'm singing with.

Saturday, December 01, 2012

THE THINGS MONEY CAN'T BUY

I've decided 2013 is going to be a banner year for me. Why? Well, why the hell not? I've decided to cast aside my health problems and other woes and either sink or swim. Yep, I'm going to finish out this bitch of a year and dare the next one not to yield some great stuff for me. I'm going to end this year not by making a list of foolish resolutions that I can't or won't keep, but by simply allowing myself to experience some much needed joy and even some decadent pleasure here and there instead.

I sometimes write questions in my posts and more often than not the questions aren't aimed at reflecting how I personally feel about something, but as a question just thrown out in cyberspace hoping for some light to be shed on a topic by others wishing to leave their imprint upon this empty vessel. I like when people interact and share what's inside (that's something there should be more of in the world instead of bitching and not listening to one another).

I've always been a people watcher and make a plethora of observations. I have to admit the conclusions I form from my observations are entirely based from a single-minded way of looking at things. I've always prided myself in being an open-minded individual, but how open minded are any of us when the only way we can see things is through our own eyes? Perhaps, next year will be different!

Sometimes I sit in a restaurant and see those around me not interacting with each other and I wonder how two people could possibly sit and eat a meal and not have anything to say to each other. Maybe silence is golden and most likely what I think I see isn't how things really are. Perhaps the anger, the frustration and the silence I think I see is really something else...perhaps indigestion, the flu or a work-related headache?

One person claims to hear the voice of God and who am I to say that God has not spoken to that person or that God doesn't exist? Oh yes, I can claim the person is mentally ill or explain what they claim to hear or see by using good old rational thinking and logic, but to that person who heard the voice or saw a vision, wasn't it real? How about a person who is a true visionary, someone ahead of their time and a great leader or on the other end of the spectrum a tyrannical dictator? Both see things in a way that others can't or won't. They set out to change the world one person at a time by trying to alter others perceptions of reality. A skeptical person has a hard time taking a leap of faith, but it does happen. When skeptics leap, they do it with their eyes wide open. Just look at history and just ask yourself how logical or rational life really is!

And for those doubting that the spirit of Christmas really exists, all they need to do is open their heart and reach out to someone in need. What better way of saying "Merry Christmas" or "Happy Holidays" than by giving to someone else and not expecting anything in return? What better way to keep the Christmas spirit alive all year long than by stepping outside yourself and paying it forward wherever and whenever you can? Things that might not mean much to you when given to someone else might be the miracle they've been waiting for or the spark that might ignite a chain reaction of giving and not taking. Good will might be as infectious as the flu and just might change things one person at a time! So, that's my story and I'm sticking to it. I hope everyone who stops by has the same type of awakening in the new year that I intend to have.

Saturday, November 17, 2012

THE HOUSE WITH PEACOCK CURTAINS

The year was 1974. I remember eating a lot of bologna sandwiches and actually liking them. Sometimes those bologna sandwiches were washed down with mushroom tea. I guess when you’re young and perpetually high, eating anything tastes great even the putrid tasting mushroom tea cut with kool-aid in attempt to hide the horrid "earthy" taste.

We lived in a small 2 bedroom house on Highway 90 in Chipley, Florida (population: approximately 3,000). My bedroom had peacock curtains. Looking back, I really think those curtains were symbolic of my life and times…loud, proud and wowed. We would fell asleep each night listening to Lynyrd Skynyrd and Pink Floyd then awake to Bad Company. And in between there was sex, sex, sex…lots of drugs and a few bologna sandwiches to keep our strength up for those midnight rodeos.

We were 3 females, Carol, Theresa and I who lived together, worked together at Evergreen Construction Company and played hard together. Of the three of us, I was the only one who stupidly got pregnant during that era. I had a beautiful baby girl, but my life was meant for anything, but traveling down some conventional avenue. I was on the fringe teetering gracefully on the edge and there I have remained doing my own thing whatever and wherever that thing has been over the years. Carol married and became a teacher. Theresa remained single and I have escaped finding a love as colorful as those peacock curtains. 

Those days seem like so long ago, yet when I get together with Theresa or any old friend it all seems like just yesterday. Our lives have changed immensely over the years, but I think the more things change the more they ultimately remain the same. So in remembrance of those good old days and the people who imprinted themselves upon my life, I flick my Bic and inhale slowly…deeply until my smile glows from within and the memories warm my chilly heart. Here's to you, the peacock curtains and the love I've yet to find!

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

STAYING ALIVE

While many people participated in the Disco Era, I was someplace else altogether. I was actually as the song says "staying alive" (Ah, ha, ha, ha, staying alive, staying alive Ah, ha, ha, ha, staying alive...) I do however, remember the music well and now, I have to admit when I hear all the pulsating melodies, it makes me want to shake a tail feather (do a little dance, make a little love, get down tonight, get down tonight). Back then, the music seemed so disconnected from where I came and from where I was headed. I now wonder if Donna Summer or Robin Gibb reside in the great hereafter along side all the other great and legendary singers and musicians who are gone, but not forgotten? It makes me wonder where John Travolta would be today without disco. Would he have forever remained just Vinnie Barbarino?

You know, sometimes I really wish I had faith and the same spiritual connection everyone else I know seems to have. Sometimes I want so much to believe as they do and wonder why my thoughts...my heart...my compass keeps me from seeing and feeling what they do where God is concerned. I don't fear death nor do I welcome it, but somehow I'm left out of the loop when it comes to believing that the hereafter is some grand reunion where all things are made infinitely perfect and we miraculously are reunited with one another. Wow! That's just way beyond my comprehension and paygrade. My beliefs seem rather sedate and quite boring compared to that. I think I'll stick to simpler things like hating Walmart. Yes, there I admitted it. I HATE WALMART! I guess that makes me among other things simply and utterly unAmerican.

I really believe if Christians want to find the true Anti-Christ, they need not look any further than their local Walmart Superstore. Who else, but the Devil Himself would coerce an innocent shopper into spending $200 when all they needed was a gallon of milk and a loaf of bread? Who else, but Satan would stock a store that prides itself on being the all-American dream corporation with goods primarily made in China? Yessiree, I think Walmart is one of the greatest clusterfucks on Earth ranking right up there with Logan Airport and driving Interstate 95 between Boston and Richmond (I'm sure other parts of the country have comparable versions of my all time favorite things). Now, that I've gotten that out of my system, I can go about my merry way and prepare for my drive to North Carolina on Thursday. Oh boy, I get to drive through Atlanta and if I'm really lucky I can hit rush hour traffic both going there and coming back.

Wednesday, May 09, 2012

THE GIRL MILDRED BUILT

As far back as I can remember I felt awkward and self conscious over everything...the way I talked, the way I walked, the way I looked, the way I thought. When I was a child, it wasn't fashionable for women to be tall. I had to buy boy's Levi's so the legs would be long enough to cover my lanky gams. Wearing Levi's spared me from looking like I was getting ready for the Great flood. Yes, I was tall. In fact, I was always the tallest in my class until I reached Jr. High School/ Middle School and the boys had a chance to catch up with me. I was tall and didn't have any hips until sometime after I started having children. I think one of the most damaging things my mother did to my feminine psyche as a child was when she made me get all my hair cut off into the new "Twiggy" look. All that accomplished was to make me look more like a boy. Maybe if she had followed up my new look with showing me the virtues of make-up and how tall, thin brunettes could be as stunning as their short, curvy counterparts my struggling ego would have had a chance to develop a positive "hey, look at me" attitude instead of the negative "fuck it" attitude I did develop.

I was tall, wore glasses and was kind of nerdy without even knowing it. Instead of just accepting who I was and making the best of what I had to work with, I over compensated for all those things I deemed as imperfections and flaws by never letting anyone see how vunerable and self conscious I really was. I was the class clown. I was the first to do anything and everything. I had no fear...no regard for my own personal safety. I wanted to fit in and be noticed. I just wanted to be loved. I overkilled everything I did until I woke up one day and I really was what I tried so hard to be. I was that cool kid who had friends from all socioeconomic back grounds. I didn't judge people by the standards most people were judged by. I tried very hard to look inside of people and not on the outside and as I came so very close to being what my heart ached to be, I started to gradually shutdown. The horrors of life, my life could no longer be kept at bay. Those addiction demons found me. I no longer could hide from them so I started to run. I run fast and furious to a place I felt safe. It was a place no one could touch me or hurt me. It was that place all addicts become familiar with as they become comfortably numb.

When I emerged unprepared many years later, I looked at myself in a new way, but instead of a real change I simply traded drugs for other addictions. Yes, life was nothing more than a huge, confusing barter system with many interesting trade-offs along the way. My metamorphosis had truly begun and I once again spun out of control. I allowed the slow road of self destruction to mold every aspect of my life. As I aged I grew weary and my body started to breakdown. Years of abuse had finally caught up with me. I was no longer that skinny, self-conscious girl who just wanted to be loved. Instead of choosing to find love and happiness, I chose the path of chaotic, unhealthy, drama-filled relationships that never had any chance of succeeding. I chose a road that would only bring me misery and despair.

I sit here now wondering why I felt I needed to punish myself so severely for such a long time. I wonder why I was always able to forgive others, but never myself. I sit here now afraid of what the future will bring and want so desperately to change the road I chose so many years ago. I wonder if all the harm I've done to myself in so many ways can be reversed. I wonder if I can heal and finally feel the peace there must be in being healthy. Have I waited too long? Sometimes a change in course takes drastic measures. Yes, my health is bad, but I have taken the necessary first steps in attempting to correct the ills that have ravaged my body for the past decade. Those steps I'm sure may be viewed as being drastic measures, but anyone who knows me wouldn't expect any less from me than a new journey started via drastic measures and the tenacity of a hard-headed Irish lass.

Wednesday, January 04, 2012

TRIPPIN' DOWN THE YELLOW BRICK ROAD

Wimpy Daughter gave me a gentle nudge today as I began to "work" the waiting room at the yoyo inspector's office while waiting for the empty pod (my mother) to reemerge. What better place to start up a conversation with strangers than at a therapist's office? Wimpy Daughter simply reminded me Mildred has not written very much lately. When I tried running the excuse that I haven't been in the right frame of mind to write, she gave me "the look." Okay Wimpy, here I am! 

In between listening to a man tell us how in his youth women used to be shy and reserved and knew how to dress and act like ladies, I scanned the room for interesting architectural details. I like to multitask and realized I must have been skipping school the day they taught all that being a lady stuff since being shy and reserved is definitely not my forte! He went on to tell us that in those days men didn't chase after women to get into their pants! REALLY??? It must have been due to all the saltpeter their mothers sprinkled on their Wheaties every morning. The climax to his dissertation about women was when he revealed the fall of womankind happened as a result of the drug revolution. I immediately jumped to my feet, threw my arms stretched upward to the heavens and hollered, "HALLELUJAH!" Not really, but as his wife was ushered into see her therapist, I wondered what being married to someone that narrow would be like. Missionary style sex for 40 something years must be as inspiring as his dissertation was. I know it made me hot...and moist in just the right places! As we left the office, Wimpy Daughter later told me that she had forgotten how people always just seem to open up and talk to me wherever I am. Lucky me to be cursed like that! 

 And now for the rest of the story: Yesterday morning I got a phonecall just after 8am from my primary care doctor's office to let me know my mammogram came back with abnormal results (again). It's difficult to keep going through this each year and feeling like I'm a timebomb just waiting to go off. So far each time I've rolled the dice, luck has been with me. This time I was immediately referred to a surgeon who I see on the 10th. I've been struggling since yesterday to remain positive. Hopefully, it'll be nothing, but I have to admit I'm tired of those people who have been through previous abnormal mammograms and breast biopsies who have reduced my situation to being "nothing to worry about." 

Hey, guys it is something to worry about and minimizing it doesn't make me have any less anxiety especially when my mother is a breast cancer survivor and one of my closest friends is going through chemo now after having a mastectomy. I know whatever happens next week, I'll handle it because what other choice do I have? So instead of being off to see the wizard this year, I'm off to see the surgeon! The way I see it is that starting the year off badly is much better than starting it on a good note because the only direction I can go is up! So that's my story and I'm sticking to it...at least for a day or two! You know how pathological liars are!