Well folks, it's that time of year and it looks like the "M" of "J & M" missed the Annual Bitchfest and to that "M" humbly claims it has been "duly noted". In the spirit of what appears to be the going trend, I'll throw my 2 cents in the Bitchfest arena by posting my version of how the adult siblings interact in my family.

First, I want to make the observation and complaint that actions speak so much louder than words. Words have been a very cheap, over-rated commodity to me lately. Blah! Blah! Blah! How about walking the walk instead of talking the talk? My mother has 4 children, not one! What puzzles the hell out of me is what makes it okay for 3 of her 4 children to sit back and let 4th deal with everything concerning their mother? I wonder if any of my brothers know how alone I feel in dealing with this situation or how stressed out I am as I deal with what feels like an immovable object at times. I can safely say every ounce of tenacity that courses through my being comes directly from my mother. She is without a doubt the most stubborn person I have ever known.

Okay, I realize that I'm the only one who actually lives here and that actively participating in her care for my 3 brothers isn't easy, but definitely not an impossibility. Please tell me what's difficult about offering some simple moral support? What's so difficult about asking what the 3 of you can do to lighten the load I carry by helping out in some way? What's so difficult with stepping up for once in your lives and being the brothers I need you to be and more importantly, the sons your mother needs you to be?

I have to admit a few weeks ago I started thinking the situation was about to change when my oldest brother and I had a pow-wow via the telephone. I thought him expressing he wanted to come here to "talk" to my mother was going to have the effect of waving a magic wand over her. Foolish me! The cliff hanger in it all was being told that he had to discuss it with his wife and he'd get back to me... to date, that hasn't happened. I have to admit that I was hoping his wife would veto his idea. I told him that I felt a trip here was unnecessary especially when we were going to come to Maine in a few months, but he seemed to feel the gesture would be more "duly noted" if the "talk" took place on her home turf.

Perhaps I should interject that my oldest brother is a practicing psychologist and that while all his sagely advice is wonderful and quite impressive, I want to know why he and brother number 2 can't even make time for their mother when I bring her to Maine each year so she can visit her children, grandchildren, great grandchildren, aunts, uncles, cousins and friends? What's so difficult with taking a day off and taking her for a drive somewhere and out to dinner? What's so difficult with making some time to "talk" with her while she's in Maine? Why do I always have to be the ramrod and event planner? How much easier can it be for you when I do 90% of the work? Again foolish me!

I'm so tired of hearing about all her past mistakes and how all those mistakes effected each of you. Jesus, isn't it about time you let it go? All those mistakes took place so long ago they seem like they were in another lifetime. Isn't it time to forgive? And isn't it time to realistically look at it and remember that we, 4 collectively lived through that battle zone. Each of us fought demons...some together and some alone, but regardless of the pain, sorrow and battle fatigue we all felt, we still are a family and she is our mother. She may need things that I cannot give her. She may need your forgiveness and love and she may need to reciprocate. These aren't things I can do on your behalf.

It's truly sad when 4 siblings who are strong, intelligent individuals cannot or maybe it's will not come together for the good of their mother. I'm so tired of feeling alone and don't feel as though I should have to beg for your support on her behalf. I'm tired of feeling anger, resentment and despair. I have done all I can humanly do, but I cannot not be each of you and fill a void that only your presence can fill.

Gratitude statement: I'm thankful for being able to actually type this blog entry because the stress is draining me dry. My stomach hurts! I don't sleep well and all the pain in my body is amplified, but I remain hopeful that perseverance will not only prevail, but it will ultimately kick ass!

All gibberish within ©2004-2011 Mildred Ratched Memoirs.


  1. I think for a lot of people that grudges die hard, and forgiveness is just a word.

  2. I cannot believe how identical our situation is. 4 children, none helping me because of our past abuse.
    freaked me out alittle at first reading this.
    (confessions of a caregiver)

  3. Writing is wonderful therapy and gives the writer the opportunity to unload a lot of hurt and frustration. In my opinion, such as it is, I think with every fiber in my being that you should print this blog offering and send a copy to each of them. They have no idea how you feel if you don't come straight out and let them know, and writing is a great way of getting your point across without interruptions or visible emotions.
    I have all I can do to not go to them and rip them all new a**holes myself because I know the pain you are suffering, my friend and I hurt for you more than you know! But.....this is something that you need to do yourself....I believe you will feel a bit of the weight lifted just in knowing that you have communicated your feelings to each of them.
    Love you!!!

  4. OMG, Mildred. We really ARE two of a kind. This truly sucks ass, you know. Not that we are two of a kind...but that we are both living the same life.

    Me thinks we need more than a damned spa day.

    You've been dealing with this longer than I. Any adice? And I'm not above murder.

  5. I have a brother who is and has always been a selfish jerk. My aunt made him that way and my mom took no steps to stop it. They gave him all they had, into his late 20s---$$, housing, his laundry, cooking, when he became a millionaire, he gave them NOTHING. He never visited his dying aunt, not in her final 3 years in nursing home. He does not visit his dying from Alzheimer's mom. To ME he is dead. He was their favorite. It is hard to feel sorry for them, but easy to feel pity for my selfish brother. I can only hope that one day he gets what he deserves. Those of us with these feelings and situations---no answers I've ever heard but to do what WE can to do the right thing and leave our siblings to suck what they suck.

  6. mildred: i'm missing you. please tell me that you haven't been ground down to a nub by servitude.