Many years ago when I was in search of Mr. Right, I initially sifted through the online personal ads with great hope and fervor. As my optimism waned, I realized that perhaps my perfect match isn't tall, dark and handsome afterall, but someone who is witty, slightly twisted and ready for anything. The following is the final personal ad I wrote and posted online. The response to it was overwhelming and ranged from many serious-minded gentlemen concerned about me having a self-esteem problem to the slapstick funny responses from men thinking my ad was written by their ex-wives. Without a doubt it was a great source of amusement even though I didn’t find Mr. Right. What I did discover were a bunch of people searching for everything from a friend with benefits to a sugar momma to an actual soulmate.

I’m short, fat, ugly and the fashion police are always trying to bust me. I never smile and I’m a total bitch from hell with a terminal case of PMS. I’m demanding, cynical and judgmental. I’m always right and I have to have the last word… ALWAYS!!! My goal in life is to spread misery and discontent where ever and to whomever I can. Physical contact with me could result in serious frostbite and tissue damage. I have nasty habits and should never be allowed to go out in public or to mate!!! I should be avoided at all costs and only approached with extreme caution under dire circumstances.


  1. I like your ad.

    Judith Rossner's book was very creepy. Kind of the perfect snapshot of that moment in the 1970s.

  2. Your ad tickles my memory somewhat.
    Where hace I seen a personality profile like this before?


    Do you have a sibling with the same characteristics and personality working as a Deputy Principal in New Zealand?

    Everything else fits.

    Hope you have a lovely PMS Christmas. (Try taking Evening Primrose Oil. It worked for my Beloved. She stopped shouting at me after only 5 years of treatment)

  3. I like the ad! It's unconventional, and you aren't pulling any punches.

  4. mildred: your ad gets my dick all hard. It may be the size of a pencil eraser, but, oh, baby...uh...oh...damn. where's my kleenex?