First, before everyone gets all excited, I'm not planning on going anywhere anytime soon, but you never know which day will be your last and because of that I figured there's no time like the present to express my last wishes to my friends and family so everyone will be crystal clear on how I want my send off to be conducted.  

As in life, Mildred has to have her hand in everything so planning her own send off won't come as any surprise to anyone who knows her.  Great parties definitely have to be carefully organized and done to certain specifications.  But most importantly, Mildred wants to take any burden there might be from planning this little soiree from those who are grieving for her.  This way no one will have to try to figure out what to do, what not to do, what she likes and what she doesn't like.  They can just follow her directions and then enjoy being with the people she loves most in the world.  That way Mildred can take the love of her peeps with her as she embarks on her final adventure.

I want to be cremated and my daughter, Princess Mini-me or 'dearie darling' as I've always called her will keep my ashes until she takes me to Maine to scatter me over the designated spot in my old neighborhood.  The following is the strict code of conduct for my send off:

  1. There will absolutely be no formal funeral when I'm gone!  It's just not my style, so don't you dare make people dress up and feel more uncomfortable than they already are.  And if you have to pray for me, please do it on your time and not on mine.  Also, if you haven't sent me flowers while I was alive and could appreciate and enjoy them, don't waste your money on them now.  Take whatever money you were going to spend on flowers and donate it to a worthy charity of your choice.  If you need a suggestion, ask my family.
  2. No boring, sorrow-filled eulogies are allowed, but laughing and funny stories about me are a must.  I'm sure each of you can come up with a funny "Karen" story to share with each other.  If you can't think of any then get a few from my blog.  My life has been well documented by Mildred Ratched.  Thanks Mildred!
  3. Absolutely no crying is allowed!  No exceptions!
  4. No bitching about the music I selected is allowed!  No exceptions!
  5. If anyone bitches or cries they have to drink a Beam Me Up, Scotty or a shooter of their choice each time they bitch or cry.  No exceptions!
  6. Since my daughter isn't going to follow the no crying rule that means she's going to get extremely drunk and will need a wheel barrow to cart her around for the duration of this party (yes, I said party and it damn well better resemble an all out gala event and not a cry in your beer pity party.)
  7. Please do not let anyone put any *Devil Dust in my ashes or any other foreign substances.  I'm spicy enough without them!
  8. If Wacky Tobacky is legal at the time of my passing then by all means fire up a joint or two.
  9. If Wacky Tobacky is still illegal, I say to hell with it...Fire up a joint or two anyway!
  10. In the coming days after I'm gone, please don't act like so many families do and argue and push each other away.  You all need each other, so do the right thing and be the people I raised you to be.  Please remember me with as much love as I have for each one of you.  In death like it has been in life, it's that love I'm taking with me wherever I go.  I love you all more than mere words can ever express and I will be with you always.  Now, party on and give me a proper send off. 
    *Devil Dust is a nearly lethal combination of finely ground peppers including Ghost peppers, chile peppers and habanero peppers that I helped create for fools and gluttons for punishment.

List of music: (To be revised as the spirit moves me)

Somewhere Over The Rainbow by Eva Cassidy
Stairway To Heaven by Led Zeppelin
Thank You by Led Zeppelin
As Long As I Can See The Light by Creedence Clearwater Revival
Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd
Another Brick In The Wall by Pink Floyd
On The Turning Away by Pink Floyd
Shine On You Crazy Diamond by Pink Floyd
Moonlight Mile by The Rolling Stones
Gimme Shelter by The Rolling Stones
Sympathy For The Devil by The Rolling Stones
O-Bla-Di, O-Bla-Da by The Beatles
In My Life by The Beatles

With A Little Help From My Friends by The Beatles
Yesterday by The Beatles
Imagine By John Lennon
With or Without You by U2
I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For by U2
Dream On by Aerosmith
Nothing Else Matters by Metallica
Turn The Page by Metallica
Knockin' On Heaven's Door by Guns n Roses
Welcome To The Jungle by Guns n Roses
Candle In The Wind by Elton John
Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me by Elton John
Sounds Of Silence by Simon & Garfunkel
Can't Find My Way Home by Blind Faith
All Along The Watchtower by Jimi Hendrix
Dust In The Wind by Kansas
And When I Die by Blood, Sweat & Tears

Into The Mystic by Van Morrison
Truckin' by The Grateful Dead
Amazing Graze (Bagpipe music)

Beam Me Up Scotty recipe (After a few of these you'll truly be ready for the transporter room)

3/4 oz Kahlua® coffee liqueur
3/4 oz banana liqueur
3/4 oz Bailey's® Irish cream
      151 Bacardi Rum floated on top

In a shot glass (preferably a clean one) carefully add ALL the ingredients, in the order listed;
Layer each ingredient on top of the previous ingredient
then slam it down quickly all at once and SMILE...

In keeping with my Irish heritage, 3 days of merriment should be enough togetherness for everyone or until the last man/woman is standing whichever comes first (If Martha is amongst the ones waiting in line at the transporter room, no doubt she'll still be walking and talking and acting lewd and crude.  Nothing pleases me more than having friends I can rely upon!).  The location doesn't matter to me.  I'll let my kids haggle over that.  The food selection for my send off should be a pot luck affair where everyone brings something to share with everyone else.  I like parties like that because it makes it easier on everyone especially those people trying to plan for something like this and you get a wide variety of foods so even the pickiest eaters will be able to find something they like to eat.  I do have a special request...honey mustard chicken wings.  I know my son, Daniel will eat a ton in my honor.   Matthew, maybe you can drink a smoothie in my honor or sing me a song.  I know Kris would be up for some karaoke and would probably help you out by doing a duet with you. 

I hope this goes without saying, but if you have too much to drink, DO NOT DRIVE. Either stay where you are, call a taxi, have someone else drive you home or borrow my daughter's wheelbarrow.  I think I've covered just about everything and if I think of anything else I'll be coming back to edit this blog post often until I get it exactly to my liking....that may take awhile! 

If I should die before the rest of you,
Break not a flower nor inscribe a stone.
Nor, when I’m gone, speak in a Sunday voice,
But be the usual selves that I have known.
Weep if you must,
Parting is hell.
But life goes on,
So…….. sing as well.

~Joyce Grenfell~


  1. Oh yes.
    I want an eco funeral - and a party to follow it. Service? Nah. Skip it, and get into the drinking, the stories, the food, the laughter... Lots of all of them.

    1. Green funerals are cool. I had considered that, but my daughter wants to keep my ashes until they're scattered in Maine when she's an old woman.

  2. Sounds like quite the party...shame we have to wait until you're dead. When I die I just want to be rolled in a hole and filled in after. There's already way too much to do and to worry about without farting around with a funeral.

    1. I thought you were going to say you wanted to be rolled in coconut...I guess my stomach was sending signals to my head and I think I'll have a dress rehearsal of this nasty little soiree so I can get some real enjoyment from it.

  3. IF you go first, I'll supply the jello shots!!

    1. Martha my dear, I have the best friends in the whole world! I love you so much and can't wait to see you.

  4. Intriguing post! I have to quote Yogi Berra (age 89): "If you you don't go to other peoples' funerals, they won't go to yours." That's as far as I've figured it out too, but will make a deal that we should attend each others' commencements upon the frontier (I like your whole catalogue of music but would add Elgar's "Pomp And Circumstance"). I'm not nervous about the religious part --that started when humans, quite sensibly, asked "Jeez, what next?"

    1. Yogi is such a character, isn't he? Pomp and Circumstance? hmmmmmm! I'll definitely think about it. Maybe I need to listen to it a few times and see how it feels to me...

  5. I'm glad I will know you're designating me a wheelbarrow to be pushed around in while I drunkenly weep at your funeral. Thanks mom!! You forgot to mention that you want to be cremated, where you want your ashes scattered and who will be the keeper of these ashes until that time. You better update this before I make plans on how your funeral will go.

  6. Well you are very organized aren't you? Although bummed not to see any Grateful Dead selections in your music list. ;) It kinda sounds like you should have a dry run while you are still alive so that you can enjoy the party.

    1. How about Friend of The Devil? or Truckin'? I'll definitely have a dry run so I can hear all the vicious lies people will tell about me! LOL

    2. now why would we tell lies when the truth is so scandalous??? lol

    3. Friend of the Devil is a great one! Brokedown Palace is the one I want played at my funeral though.

    4. You definitely have a point there and that's a great selection, also.

  7. My last plans, which I wrote a few years ago, are similar to your. It even includes Eva Cassidy for music. It also has quite a bit of Neil Young and Van Morrison and ends with John Lennon's Imagine. No Amazing Grace for me although I do love it, but it is too sad.

    The only sad thing is that we won't be able to attend these great parties. If only we could have a dress rehearsal.

    1. Great minds think alike! I think I may have to add some Neil Young and Van Morrison also...this list keeps getting longer and better!

  8. Please strike down Rule #3. I will weep when you go and so will many others.

    1. Ur-spo, I think you're trying to make me weep. That's not fair! Without Rule #3 the need for shooters would diminish and without the need for shooters, the transporter room might stay vacant. Now, tell me what kind of send off would that be?

    2. I think somewhere in your logic is if I weigh you are you are the same as a duck you are made of wood?

  9. Forget the funeral. Lets party NOW!!! Seriously though you know I will have to be the one to do a reading about you seriousness mixed with laughter as I know you wouldn't have it any other way. Oh the stories I could tell......But you my friend will probably out live us all.....At least I hope so because I can't imagine my world without you :)