MILDRED'S Rx FOR SERENITY

There's no easy formula to get through difficult times with your sanity still intact. I'm sure each of us has our own method of coping (anything from self-medicating, banging our heads on a wall, contemplating creatively painful ways to make our source of pain suffer as much as we suffer, bellowing out a good old primal scream to quiet walks on the beach, exercising, writing a stinging blog post, listening to music, deep breathing, etc.) I find that when I try to control a situation or someone else's behavior I suffer immensely from frustration, disappointment and emotional exhaustion. It wasn't until I finally was able to let go and let live that I achieved a certain inner peace. I now pick my battles wisely. The small stuff I simply let go and the larger, more important things that need a change, I allow the change to come from within and not externally. I simply stopped looking for solutions in the eyes of others.

In the case of my mother who a few years ago drove me to the brink of having a nervous breakdown, I simply use common sense now. Her health and well-being are first and most important. The rest, like it or not are her decisions and wishes. Sure, she still does exactly as she's always done, but it's me who has changed how those things affect me. It's no longer a power struggle between us. I've discovered we can enjoy whatever time left we have together without a perpetual tug-o-war. The thought of my last memories of her being so negative didn't sit well with me. I knew I needed to change that. As for my siblings and their relationship with her...well, it's exactly that...their relationship and not mine. They are the ones who have to look themseleves in the mirror. It just isn't worth all the chaos and bad feelings it causes by placing myself in the middle and it rarely accomplishes anything positive for anyone involved. And I really do feel okay with my present stance. That's what matters most, isn't it?

About a year ago I taped the Serenity Prayer on the wall above my computer. I say it EVERY day and some days I say it MANY times. No, I'm not a religious person, but I do find a certain unmistaken wisdom in those 25 words. I'm not entirely sure about the "GOD" part, but in my case, I believe "God" is the inner peace and serenity I seek and not some ageless, mystical being sitting somewhere in judgment of us all. My God is forgiving and allows me to love unconditionally even those people who have hurt me the most in life. My God allows compromise. I no longer have to be right or have things go the way I want them. All that has fallen by the wayside as my perspective and priorities have changed. My God allows me to see that everything happens just as it's supposed to happen and that even the horrible, devastating things in life have a purpose by making me a stronger and more compassionate person. I've learned making mistakes is okay as long as I learn from my mistakes. I've learned NO ONE is perfect and that getting through the most difficult days is done by putting one foot in front of the other and not letting pain paralyze me. I've learned that I am who I am because of ALL the experiences in my life. I've come to believe that I wouldn't have these insights without the pain...or without the joys I have felt along the way. I no longer feel a need to apologize for my past or to place blame. It is what it is! I can either find comfort and strength in knowing I'm a resourceful survivor or I can drown in my own pain by allowing myself to remain an emotional cripple. I choose courage and wisdom! I choose sanity for the first time in my life!

THE IDES OF MARCH

The one thing I find glaringly apparent about those who blog regardless of the person's age, sex, cultural background, economic status or sexual orientation is that we all hold the right to express our feelings and opinions via the written word in high regard. The technology of the past few decades has provided us with an excellent medium for doing just that with countless people we would have otherwise never known. I truly wish more people would come out of the shadows and learn to voice what's brewing just below the surface because you never know when sharing a personal experience or an opinion might help someone else through a difficult time. Even negative feedback seems to have a home here and often times has a positive outcome by bringing people closer together.

The things I write about come mostly from my personal experiences in life and from the thoughts that randomly race through my head. Although I'm fast approaching that golden age of being older than dirt, I find it refreshing that a blog can be ageless and timeless. To be able to bridge the generational gap and find a common ground or to be able to reach across the gender gap and make the other side have a lightbulb moment keeps us all forever young and acutely human. We don't mature into an entirely new or different person, we just become an older and hopefully wiser version of who we were when we were young. Basically, I think regardless of our differences, we all strive to maintain a certain pursuit of happiness and sometimes that pursuit gets clouded by the horrors of everyday life, but without that pursuit, life is void of meaning and purpose. So for what it's worth, I hope all your lives are filled with happy hunting, endless lightbulb moments and the courage to remain open-minded. I want to thank each of you who visit Mildred for taking the time to take advantage of your freedom of speech by leaving heartfelt and thought-provoking comments. I love you all!

A LIFE INTERRUPTED

The act of dying and how it affects friends and loved ones is difficult at any time of the year, but during the Christmas season it seems to intensify by a hundredfold. Many times in the past month during moments of silent lucidity, I've found myself lost in deep thought and when the realization that most of what happens in life are things meant for people to just accept without question, I struggle desperately with that acceptance especially when it involves the untimely death of a kind, gentle soul.

I know we all live and eventually die. The end unfortunately will come like an unwelcome visitor that we cannot avoid. As the end grows near, the ability to see a clear light at the end of the tunnel no longer exists. A new light emerges within us and we are able to let go of all we have known and loved as the light illuminates the pathway we all must take. That old phrase "and this too shall pass..." has vanished into some dark, abyss and what we are faced with is a journey into the true unknown.

The process of our final decline is a difficult process for all involved. We not only shutdown physically, but often times, we shutdown emotionally as well. At that point, hindsight and foresight become one very narrow view and a social death often times precedes the actually physical death we will experience. For many of us, we enter and exit life the same way...alone! Yet, how uplifting an experience it is to witness a family come together and rally around a loved one to make their transition easier. In the past month, I have seen courage as I have never seen it before. I know I have been in the presence of true love and amazing grace.

Each time throughout my life when death has called, I've asked myself what is death? Is it the end or a beginning somewhere beyond our comprehension? I know religious people can quote many passages from the Bible depicting how the afterlife will be. But can the afterlife really be a state of perfection for such imperfect beings? And how are we imperfect beings supposed to adjust to all that perfection? Won't all the harp playing and singing become deafening and maddening? Won't it make those blissful souls seated in such angelic dwellings wish for something a little more "earthly" or less perfect? A road less traveled, perhaps? I've never been one to go quietly into the night! The norm has always bothered me and as I get older, I find myself asking "why" a lot more often than I did during my defiant youth. For now, I smile knowing that I'll always sing a little off key and forget the lyrics from time to time no matter where I am or who I'm singing with.

THE THINGS MONEY CAN'T BUY

I've decided 2013 is going to be a banner year for me. Why? Well, why the hell not? I've decided to cast aside my health problems and other woes and either sink or swim. Yep, I'm going to finish out this bitch of a year and dare the next one not to yield some great stuff for me. I'm going to end this year not by making a list of foolish resolutions that I can't or won't keep, but by simply allowing myself to experience some much needed joy and even some decadent pleasure here and there instead.

I sometimes write questions in my posts and more often than not the questions aren't aimed at reflecting how I personally feel about something, but as a question just thrown out in cyberspace hoping for some light to be shed on a topic by others wishing to leave their imprint upon this empty vessel. I like when people interact and share what's inside (that's something there should be more of in the world instead of bitching and not listening to one another).

I've always been a people watcher and make a plethora of observations. I have to admit the conclusions I form from my observations are entirely based from a single-minded way of looking at things. I've always prided myself in being an open-minded individual, but how open minded are any of us when the only way we can see things is through our own eyes? Perhaps, next year will be different!

Sometimes I sit in a restaurant and see those around me not interacting with each other and I wonder how two people could possibly sit and eat a meal and not have anything to say to each other. Maybe silence is golden and most likely what I think I see isn't how things really are. Perhaps the anger, the frustration and the silence I think I see is really something else...perhaps indigestion, the flu or a work-related headache?

One person claims to hear the voice of God and who am I to say that God has not spoken to that person or that God doesn't exist? Oh yes, I can claim the person is mentally ill or explain what they claim to hear or see by using good old rational thinking and logic, but to that person who heard the voice or saw a vision, wasn't it real? How about a person who is a true visionary, someone ahead of their time and a great leader or on the other end of the spectrum a tyrannical dictator? Both see things in a way that others can't or won't. They set out to change the world one person at a time by trying to alter others perceptions of reality. A skeptical person has a hard time taking a leap of faith, but it does happen. When skeptics leap, they do it with their eyes wide open. Just look at history and just ask yourself how logical or rational life really is!

And for those doubting that the spirit of Christmas really exists, all they need to do is open their heart and reach out to someone in need. What better way of saying "Merry Christmas" or "Happy Holidays" than by giving to someone else and not expecting anything in return? What better way to keep the Christmas spirit alive all year long than by stepping outside yourself and paying it forward wherever and whenever you can? Things that might not mean much to you when given to someone else might be the miracle they've been waiting for or the spark that might ignite a chain reaction of giving and not taking. Good will might be as infectious as the flu and just might change things one person at a time! So, that's my story and I'm sticking to it. I hope everyone who stops by has the same type of awakening in the new year that I intend to have.

THE HOUSE WITH PEACOCK CURTAINS

The year was 1974. I remember eating a lot of bologna sandwiches and actually liking them. Sometimes those bologna sandwiches were washed down with mushroom tea. I guess when you’re young and perpetually high, eating anything tastes great even the putrid tasting mushroom tea cut with kool-aid in attempt to hide the horrid "earthy" taste.

We lived in a small 2 bedroom house on Highway 90 in Chipley, Florida (population: approximately 3,000). My bedroom had peacock curtains. Looking back, I really think those curtains were symbolic of my life and times…loud, proud and wowed. We would fell asleep each night listening to Lynyrd Skynyrd and Pink Floyd then awake to Bad Company. And in between there was sex, sex, sex…lots of drugs and a few bologna sandwiches to keep our strength up for those midnight rodeos.

We were 3 females, Carol, Theresa and I who lived together, worked together at Evergreen Construction Company and played hard together. Of the three of us, I was the only one who stupidly got pregnant during that era. I had a beautiful baby girl, but my life was meant for anything, but traveling down some conventional avenue. I was on the fringe teetering gracefully on the edge and there I have remained doing my own thing whatever and wherever that thing has been over the years. Carol married and became a teacher. Theresa remained single and I have escaped finding a love as colorful as those peacock curtains. 

Those days seem like so long ago, yet when I get together with Theresa or any old friend it all seems like just yesterday. Our lives have changed immensely over the years, but I think the more things change the more they ultimately remain the same. So in remembrance of those good old days and the people who imprinted themselves upon my life, I flick my Bic and inhale slowly…deeply until my smile glows from within and the memories warm my chilly heart. Here's to you, the peacock curtains and the love I've yet to find!

STAYING ALIVE

While many people participated in the Disco Era, I was someplace else altogether. I was actually as the song says "staying alive" (Ah, ha, ha, ha, staying alive, staying alive Ah, ha, ha, ha, staying alive...) I do however, remember the music well and now, I have to admit when I hear all the pulsating melodies, it makes me want to shake a tail feather (do a little dance, make a little love, get down tonight, get down tonight). Back then, the music seemed so disconnected from where I came and from where I was headed. I now wonder if Donna Summer or Robin Gibb reside in the great hereafter along side all the other great and legendary singers and musicians who are gone, but not forgotten? It makes me wonder where John Travolta would be today without disco. Would he have forever remained just Vinnie Barbarino?

You know, sometimes I really wish I had faith and the same spiritual connection everyone else I know seems to have. Sometimes I want so much to believe as they do and wonder why my thoughts...my heart...my compass keeps me from seeing and feeling what they do where God is concerned. I don't fear death nor do I welcome it, but somehow I'm left out of the loop when it comes to believing that the hereafter is some grand reunion where all things are made infinitely perfect and we miraculously are reunited with one another. Wow! That's just way beyond my comprehension and paygrade. My beliefs seem rather sedate and quite boring compared to that. I think I'll stick to simpler things like hating Walmart. Yes, there I admitted it. I HATE WALMART! I guess that makes me among other things simply and utterly unAmerican.

I really believe if Christians want to find the true Anti-Christ, they need not look any further than their local Walmart Superstore. Who else, but the Devil Himself would coerce an innocent shopper into spending $200 when all they needed was a gallon of milk and a loaf of bread? Who else, but Satan would stock a store that prides itself on being the all-American dream corporation with goods primarily made in China? Yessiree, I think Walmart is one of the greatest clusterfucks on Earth ranking right up there with Logan Airport and driving Interstate 95 between Boston and Richmond (I'm sure other parts of the country have comparable versions of my all time favorite things). Now, that I've gotten that out of my system, I can go about my merry way and prepare for my drive to North Carolina on Thursday. Oh boy, I get to drive through Atlanta and if I'm really lucky I can hit rush hour traffic both going there and coming back.