Here's Mildred's review of the 9 places, but please remember the following reviews are written by a transplanted Maineiac living on the Redneck Riviera with a HUGE attitude...that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it:
Tribune, Kansas - When Horace Greeley said "Go West, young man," was he smoking crack? Tribune has a population of less than 1000 people and after living in "Nub City," I think I'll pass on Tribune even though Dorothy Gail and Auntie Em hail from Kansas. I seriously doubt I could live in a state that was poisoned by the evil Minister Fred Phelps. Okay, I know he's dead now, but his followers are still lurking somewhere keeping the "God Hates Fags" philosophy alive and well. I don't wish harm on anyone, BUT one well placed tornado might show those idiots God's wrath for hate groups.
Marne, Iowa - They offer free land. Wow! Can you imagine how excited the 120 people who call Marne home are when someone accepts their generous offer. I wonder what people from Marne do for fun. Maybe they dream of moving to the big city of Tribune, Kansas. If you look carefully at the hay rolls in the picture, you'll see all 120 Marne citizens hiding behind them. The question is...what are they doing behind those hay rolls?
Curtis, Nebraska - Here's another booming metropolis having a population of less than 1000 people. If a frontier living fantasy is on your bucket list, this might be the perfect place for you to live. Just don't forget to bring your golf clubs so you can conquer Arrowhead Meadows Golf Course which claims to be "Nebraska's best kept secret" and beware of the cornfields and the children lurking within them.
Harmony, Minnesota - This town dubs itself as the "biggest little town in Southern Minnesota." Nearby attractions include Slim's Woodshed: Wood Carving Museum, the Amish Backroads Tour and Laura Ingalls Wilder Park and Museum. I don't think I need to comment any further on this town with an awesome name. If it's good enough for the Ingalls, then it should be good enough for anyone who likes reading by candlelight and tromping through the snow to use the outhouse. Okay, so they have indoor plumbing now and electricity, but obviously what they don't have is a booming population.
Baltimore, Maryland - This is a great place to live if you're a Ravens or an Orioles fan, but Baltimore's real claim to fame is being a "truly filthy, over-priced, crime-ridden hole." Want to join a gang? Baltimore is a great place to call home. Unless you plan on a career at John Hopkins Hospital or want to attend Artscape's free art festival each summer, I think you should stay where you live now. Okay, so Francis Scott Key wrote our hard to sing Star Spangled Banner at Fort McHenry in Baltimore and Edgar Allen Poe hung out there, but Baltimore these days is a truly filthy, over-priced, crime-ridden hole. And nothing says "home" quite like some well-placed filth.
New Haven, Connecticut - They offer up to $40,000 towards college tuition. At Yale, that'll just about cover your books (for a semester), but the view from East Point Park is guaranteed to blow your mind. Rumor has it that New Haven's Sugar Bakery has cupcakes so good you'll want to slap your mama. It may be difficult to ditch the pretentious snobs in New Haven, so when in Rome do as the Romans do! Be a snob and enjoy New England Ivy league style.
Alaska - I have to admit Alaska is pristine and just as majestic as you imagine it would be, BUT unless you like a place colder than a witch's tit, I'd stick to the lower 48. Alaska offers programs to encourage veterans and live-in caretakers of the physically or mentally disabled residents to move there. Wow! I didn't know goofy Sarah Palin is looking for a caretaker. Isn't she a little young to be suffering from dementia? I wonder what the job pays and what the benefits are. Maybe she'll take you wolf or elk hunting from a helicopter to sport kill animals or dazzle you with her quick wit and superior intellect. Remember, you can see Russia from Alaska and when Putin raises his ugly head you might be able to mistake him for a wolf or an elk. I hate when that happens!
Colorado - Now, you're talking! Legal wacky weed and the Rocky Mountains is definitely the way to go, but you have to have a permanent disability to qualify for their down payment assistance program. I wonder if insanity or being fugly (fucking ugly) qualifies as a permanent disability. Colorado might not be the place for you unless you're a sports enthusiast. If you love skiing, snowboarding, white water rafting, rock climbing and mountain biking Colorado is definitely the place to be. Everywhere you go is a Kodak moment, so if you're a hermit or don't enjoy being awed by scenery, don't move to Colorado.
Wyoming - This state might be the most peaceful place on Earth...low population, no honking cars or cursing pedestrians, but they have the highest rate of traffic fatalities in the country. Perhaps they should stick to riding horses. In Wyoming, you can leave your door unlocked and the keys in your car and not be murdered in your sleep and your car will still be where you parked it the next morning, but never leave your horse unattended! Are people really that wonderful in Wyoming? Here's a place where everyone is a cowboy or at least dresses like one and your children can ride to school on their horse. Hey, how backwards can Wyoming be? Jackson Pollock was born and raised there and look how he turned out.