THE MAMMOTH CAVE

When I first started Mildred Ratched Memoirs, it was as an assignment from my therapist who I always lovingly referred to as a "yoyo inspector". She wanted me to keep a daily journal and the only stipulation she made was that each journal entry had to end with a gratitude statement. The topics could be of my own choosing. Instead of doing a conventional hand written journal, I decided to do mine in blog form since I had been blogging since 2004.

Although I've kept Mildred Ratched Memoirs alive long after stopping my visits to the yoyo inspector, somewhere along the way I stopped doing my gratitude statements. I have to be honest and admit that I miss them. They made me end each blog post on a positive note. When a person is struggling with an emotional upheaval or maybe just tying up some loose ends that have been dangling for far too long having to find things to be grateful about isn't always an easy task. I remember I ended one post with a gratitude statement about being grateful I didn't have hemorrhoids. That one made my therapist laugh.


Reposted and edited from CAVE LIFE 101 (February 22, 2010)

People with alternative lifestyles or who have a different sexual orientation than the rest of mainstream America may reside in a closet until they decide to emerge, but depressed people dwell in a dark, dingy cave many times filled with items of convenience so they won't have to ever emerge. A few years ago, I purchased a small refrigerator and a microwave to put in my bedroom, so I wouldn't have to leave it. That was around the same time as I bought a 52-inch HDTV for my bedroom. I should have seen the writing on the wall, but like most things, I ignored the warning signs until the damage had been done. I simply didn't care that I was a cave dweller.

Hey, people I live in Florida and in an area where the beaches don't suck. As described in the following quote: "The gentle breeze is still soothing just as the crystal-clear waves roll in from the emerald sea. The flawless white sand is just as soft as before, and the sea oats still dance for a glowing sun". Pensacola boasts to have the whitest beaches in Florida. So why does a person who once was a sun worshipper no longer even venture out into the light of day? No, I haven't joined the ranks of the undead! Not yet, at least!

I think it has to do with having an addictive personality and being self-destructive. I always loved to binge and then I'd grow bored with the object of my addiction. This behavior held true in every aspect of my life even the small ones. For example, I loved to read, but unlike a normal person who would read a book and then go onto the next or perhaps take a break between books, I would read 10 books in 2 weeks and then be done for 6 months or more. I buy books now and never read them. I sit and look at the cover or maybe read the first page a few hundred times, but I never finish reading the book. I guess the same holds true with the beach. I burnt myself out on being sun burned beach bunny. Actually, that's probably a good thing!

Tomorrow, I have my next yoyo appointment. I know she wants me to start dealing with issues I'd rather just leave in the cave. I'd rather discuss how I've spent the last 2 days cleaning and rearranging my cave and how good that made me feel...physically drained, but mentally better. I'd rather talk about why I feel the need to throw something away if I haven't used it in 6 months and why I have so little in which I assign sentimental value. Material objects have never meant very much to me...easy come, easy go! I'd rather discuss anything other than sexual abuse and being self-destructive. I think I may be in a horribly foul mood tomorrow!

Gratitude statement: I'm thankful it's today and not tomorrow.

I read my words now and ask myself, "What’s changed?" and I have to admit that I'm still a troglodyte and the rut I was in has widened over time. I really don't know where or how to begin to stop this abyss.

Gratitude statement: I'm grateful for the self awareness I possess and hope that it eventually kick starts some motivation to change my life while I still can.

MY SLICE OF LIFE

My slice of life!

Monday I had a child support court date. Although this saga has been an ongoing one for almost 3 decades, fortunately, I haven't had to attend a court date in many, many years.  You see, when my children were young their father felt he had no financial or moral obligation to them after we got divorced.  Many times I tried to reason with him by telling him any unpaid child support wasn't a debt that simply vanished like the proverbial rabbit in the magician's hat and I also tried countless times to encourage him to have a relationship with his children. Both pleas fell on deaf ears!  Due solely to his bad choices he learned the hard way and now he pays back child support on a debt that was at one time over $70,000.  The current balance is just over $14,000, so I'm sure he finally sees the light of day, but the real damage he did goes far deeper than what can be seen in dollars and cents.  The real damage can be measured by his two sons (both in their 30's) who refer to him not as their father, but as "the sperm donor".  

This snippet wasn't intended to be about him or the debt he incurred during his deadbeat era, but rather about the large cesspool in which many divorced parents drown...the child support system.  I was truly amazed at how unprepared the hearing officer was regarding the information in each case presented.  The judge was clearly annoyed at her, but bureaucracy seems to always have so much red tape that prevents one hand from ever knowing what the other is doing. Nothing runs smoothly or quickly and it's the children who ultimately suffer!  

As I left the courtroom, I breathed a huge sigh of relief knowing that my days struggling to stay afloat in that system were all, but over.  My children are grown and no longer have to hear me tell them that delayed gratification builds character each time they had to wait to get something they wanted. I worked hard throughout their childhood and provided for all their needs.  It was their wants that sometimes suffered due to lack of funds, but I'm sure they're stronger, more understanding men for having gone through that.  

As I watched my ex walk across the parking lot I tried to remember why I ever loved him and what I ever saw in him. All I saw now as I took one last look at him was a cold, bitter middle-aged man and truthfully, what I saw didn't appeal to me on any level. As I sat there and reveled in my indifference, all of a sudden it made sense to me why it felt good to tell the judge I had no objection to him having his driver's license reinstated.  Harboring no ill will or resentment towards him gave me a sudden rush of good feelings, but not for him...they were for me. I was proud of myself for rising above and moving forward. It felt so liberating knowing I really was on the other side looking back and not the over way around.

THE KNIFE OF FLU'S REGRET

This week's Words For Wednesday are: incarcerate, phlegm, damp, groan, knife and blessing.
 

A flummoxed state of being

A blessing in disguise

A fevered mind thinks of freeing

A vision from its tear stained eyes.

In a darkened room

Loudly from within

I groan from gloom, I moan with doom

The questions now begin.

To be or not to be

Incarcerate or flee

To be or not to be

Influenza vexes me.

Phlegm soaked tissues; swollen glands

A body damp with fevered sweat

Needs the tender care of loving hands

To pacify the knife of flu’s regret.

by Mildred Ratched 

MARKETING GENIUS OR TASTELESS TWIT?

Anyone familiar with YouTube knows they come accompanied with an annoying commercial at the beginning of each video.  The viewer has the option to skip the ad after a just a few seconds. For quite awhile whenever I'd view any YouTube video, I always get the same advertisement.  After skipping it many times, I finally watched it.  OMG!  WTF! Were the advertisement gods trying to tell me something? Is this stuff for real?  And if so, I know what I'm buying everyone for Christmas next year!

  

PENICILLIN FOR YOUR SOUL

Taken from Under The Porch Light's Words For Wednesday:
 

Words for Wednesday’  is a once a week writing prompt that has carried over from ‘thefeatherednest’.  The prompt could be a selection of words,  a photo,  an idea or a couple of sentences you can use to start a piece of flash fiction.  Write a poem or a story using as much or as little of the prompt as you please or offer us something entirely different as a prompt.  There are no deadlines, no rules...just a bit of good clean fun.  Put your creation in comments here or let us know if you are posting on your own blog.   Please let me know if you want to be listed in the sidebar as a participant.

 

Today’s prompt is:

actual

spontaneous

remedy

fanciful

mesmerized

cranium

 

OR

 

listen

glisten

christen

moisten

hasten

penicillin

 

I chose "listen, glisten, christen, moisten, hasten and penicillin" and wrote the following short poem using those words:

 

Can you hear your inner song?

It beckons you to sing along

Painted with love’s brightest ray

A glisten-streaked joyful day

 

A song to christen your doubtful heart

With eternal hope and fearless starts

Moisten the most barren land

With seeds to sow and gentle hand

 

Hasten now my wounded child

That inner song will make you smile

It may sound like rock and roll

Penicillin for your soul.

 

I love reading the various responses posted on Under The Porch Light.  The creativity that flows forth is simply amazing!  Thank you, Delores for allowing me to participate!

TO POT OR NOT: THE MEDICAL MARIJUANA DEBATE

When I disclosed my various health issues in THE BEAST WITHIN ME or when I revealed my angst regarding the pain I experience in THE TRUTH IS A VIRUS, I should have taken those opportunities to start a discussion regarding medical marijuana. As they always say..."better late than never!"

Twenty states now have laws making the use of medicinal marijuana legal as long as it's prescribed by a licensed physician. Unfortunately I don't live in any of those states so I can't try it out unless I do it illegally at the present time.  At my age, risky behavior has lost its appeal. Florida and a few other states have medical marijuana amendments on their November 2014 ballots.  Since I reside in Florida, I thought it's time to become better informed.  I've read many articles about all the studies and research done regarding medical marijuana and its uses, but I think I need more than that.  I need the personal touch of having an actual discussion/debate to be able to better weigh its possible benefits.  

I know the opposition still regards marijuana as nothing more than gateway drug and sees it as having no real value to treat any medical condition, but from what I've read lately the majority of the medical community considers medical marijuana as a viable option to treat many health problems. Perhaps, after going down the road of trying various types of narcotic pain killers, having several surgeries and trying alternative methods of pain management (massage therapy, aquatic therapy, internal and external neurostimulators and chiropractors) to help ease my chronic pain and to help improve the quality of my life by making it easier for me to function, I'm more than ready to try something I can benefit from for the long haul! 

Yes, medical marijuana is becoming a hot topic, but I know many people are hesitant to discuss it and whether it should be legal or not, but let's face it, the times they are a changing! For those of you who aren't afraid to speak out, I'd really like to read your opinions on the subject both pro and con.  Do you know anyone who lives in a state where medical marijuana is legal and benefits from its use?  If so, what's the medical condition that it's used to treat?  And if you had one of the many conditions medical marijuana is supposed to help, would you consider using it as a viable treatment rather than taking a man made pharmaceutical with potential harmful side effects or subjecting yourself to repeated surgeries that don't help?  Is medical marijuana just a stoner's ultimate pipe dream or should I look into this treatment if it becomes legal?