Monday, November 28, 2011

BEHIND BROWN EYES

Somedays I have to remind myself that being alone is okay. Others days I know being alone is better than being with the wrong person...or the right person at the wrong time. Sometimes I feel compelled to say out loud that "finding home" or my center of gravity isn’t anything I can discover externally. This quest is all about me and no one else. I've had a void in my life for so long that I’ve come to accept it as being as much a part of me as are my long legs. Every now and then I throw myself into the abyss of relationship uncertainty and drama. Each time I explore it, what I find is the same old thing. That brick wall never gets easier to run into no matter how many times I do it. The inner peace and happiness I’m lacking is not in someone else nor is it somewhere else. I know that happiness lives within and radiates outward. The missing factors in my life are factors that left me at an very early age. The void I feel I often times think is simply the childhood I never had and will never have. How do I fill that void? I often wonder who I would have been if I had grown up in a family where love was not a painful thing or if I had never left home as a young teenager. Would I have perished or would I have survived? Could I have thrived? Would I have learned to stand and fight instead of running away? Would I have learned how to ride something out from beginning to end? Would I have ever known the taste of sweet success? And would I have learned how to love myself without this path I chose? Can anyone really answer those questions with absolute certainty? I certainly can't!

Sometimes nostalgia floods my thoughts along with thoughts of "what if". What if I just stopped running into that brick wall time after time? The last time I made that mistake was several years ago. I allowed myself to once again believe that loving someone could change my life. Silly me! I really did know better than that, but foolishly got caught up in flood of feel good moments. I let how I felt when I was with this person grow into believing that love conquers all obstacles. What I forgot was that unreciprocated love and one-sided relationships conquer nothing. From my track record, one could assume that I’m everything from a glutton for punishment to being just plain stupid where love is concerned. In reality, I’m neither. In reality, my interest in finding that special someone has waned drastically to being almost non-existent. Now finding home has become more of a quest for inner strength as I deal with my declining health.

As I've developed several health problems and often times feel as if I'm quite literally falling apart, I find myself less interested in the whole relationship scene. The memory of my last cruise on the Love Boat still haunts me. My entire worth was measured in terms of my physical performance or should I say my lack of physical performance? How could I have been so wrong once again about someone who had captured my heart? I remember feeling crushed, disappointed and unworthy. But unworthy of what? Of not being able to do something I’ve never been exposed to doing before or ever attempted to do before this person came into my life? Would anyone be able to climb a high mountain on first try without climbing the small ones first? I now believe by letting this fish go without a fight, it was I who lost nothing. In my quest of finding home, I found where home isn’t and was reminded that being alone is okay.

9 comments:

  1. I'd like to let go of a fish right about now.

    uh, ignore that. i'm simply in a mood today. holidays make me cranky.

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  2. Anonymous: I'm glad you agree, but you have me at a disadvantage since you signed yourself as "anonymous" instead of using your name.

    Jnuts: Being cranky is allowed and the difference between you and me is that I let go way too easily and have such a low tolerance for bullshit...thus, I'm alone and you're not.

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  3. The void left by sorrow is painful, and I would never wish it on anyone. May that void heal for you someday.

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  4. Ahab: Thank you! That was a very nice thing for you to wish for me.

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  5. Damn! I just hate the thought of growing old alone. At the same time, I hate the ups and downs and uncertainties of a live-in relationship. I've always said to the women I have gotten that involved with that I can keep my end of the bargain - even if it isn't always fun or easy - I can hang in there. I guess that's too much to ask for in return. Everthing is disposable these days, even relationships it seems. Friendships seem easier to maintain than romantic entanglements.

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  6. I'm not happy about living alone but this area is known for it's screwed up older available women so I deal with it. Just because I live alone doesn't mean I am alone, I have lots of good friends and a great hooker friend.

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  7. I hear ya friend, I know all about that void. Romance is way over rated, never live with the one you love. Your not always alone, your in my livingroom when I imagine you and a few other online friends sitting on my couch and having a fun afternoon chatting and playing games. I also imagine BBC tied to a whipping post in my basement for my personal amusement.

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  8. Doug: Romantic involvements can be exhausting at times. That's for sure.

    BBC: I suppose having a great hooker friend could have its advantages.

    Adi: Did I ever tell you I'm a voyeur? LOL

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