[Originally written April 9, 2009, taken from an excerpt on my blog, Abnormally Normal People, edited and reposted]
Truth? As far out on the edge as I've teetered, something has always kept me from stepping into the abyss. Truth? My pain and I have a very intimate relationship. It’s very complicated and the only lasting relationship I’ve ever had. It’s definitely a love-hate relationship full of angst and exploration leading me into places where I’m able to forget my pain temporarily. During those times, life has been wonderful and filled with adventures, but nonetheless those times were temporary.
Is there anyone out there who has ever gotten to the point of saying "I'm done"? Well, what do you do when you're done? What do you do when you look back at the life you've lived and see that it's taken you to a place of true complacency and indifference? Wow! That's a place I never thought I'd be! Anger maybe. Rage was always a possibility. Bitterness was always aching to be number one on the hit parade, but what did I get? Complacency and indifference salted with a dash of disillusionment.
Without all the gory details, I recently made a decision that possibly could be the queen of all my self-destructive acts. I know some might think anyone making the decision to stop an addiction... any addiction is a wise decision. Perhaps it is! What would one say to someone who is addicted to prescribed narcotics and muscle relaxers and who has decided to stop taking those drugs against medical advice? Hmmmmmmm! Go for it? Good luck? You’re a damn fool? There’s no escaping the truth. When you’re done, you’re done.
Truth? Drugs have veiled many of my written words over the past several years. Okay, for some that may come as no big surprise, but for me it does. What surprises me is that after living through the horrors of drug abuse at a younger age, I allowed myself to take the easy way out as an adult and become something I hated. I would like nothing more than to be able to blame the doctors who prescribed the drugs to me, but I can't do that. I won’t do that! They had a job to do and did it. What transpired was a perfectly legal act, although some might question the ethics or morals involved.
Was I some drug-seeking individual that goes from doctor to doctor hoping to score some decent drugs? Truth? No! My medical problems set me on the path of having the best drugs health insurance could legally buy. Unfortunately, the nature of the beast includes developing a tolerance to prescribed narcotics. What may work initially only becomes a way to take the edge off and feel somewhat normal…. whatever normal is I’ve forgotten.
After careful consideration, I decided to go cold turkey. Is that the politically correct term these days or is it only showing my age? I decided to do this withdrawal in stages thinking that it would be easier on me due to other health issues. Instead of weaning myself off my meds, I abruptly stopped taking my Oxycontin first and now, I’m in the throes of a nasty divorce from Percocet 10’s. The muscle relaxers were flushed sometime in the midst of all this madness. Has my last month been fun? Hell no, but what I do know is that withdrawal can be accomplished. All it takes is determination and insanity will take you the rest of the way.
Gratitude statement: I'm grateful for having another blog I can steal stuff from when I don't feel like journaling.
I've done the same thing...cold turkey off of all medication, including the zoloft. no one is going to make me take that crap again, I don't care how miserable I make anyone's life.
ReplyDeleteAs for the medication that kept me from dying sooner than need be. I will be licking its boots very soon. Dying sooner is not easy as I thought it would be.
Neither was cold turkey...for me or those around me.
You hit the nail on the head when you mentioned insanity.
Jnuts, I'm with you on everything you wrote, but you lost me on the dying stuff. What's happening with you? You can't leave me anytime soon...who would tell me that being me is a wonderful way to be? I remember many things that were shot back and forth in the early blogging days, but when all was said and done it really did feel like we knew each other and there was a connection somehow. Insane? Probably and that's what makes it so real.
ReplyDeletegod, what a drama queen I can be. i don't mean that I am dying (well, we're all dying daily, in the big dramatic sense), I meant that getting off the meds that helped regulate my diabetes was ill-conceived. mind over matter was not the way to go here.
ReplyDeletesymptoms have humbled and made realize me I'm not super-human after all. so, it's back to the meds before my arrogance...or SWMBO kills me.
uh...i meant that if i didn't get back on the meds i would die sooner than later...barring car accidents, and husbandicide.
ReplyDeleteJnuts, thanks for the clarification and you're right...some meds we can do without and some we really do need to take. I struggle with my blood sugar all the time. I'm insulin resistant so it makes it harder to treat. I'm just ornery through and through.
ReplyDeleteI'm a puss. I have no will and no power...I couldn't stop cold turkey not that I use any type of medication for medicinal purposes or recreational purposes. I am a creature of habit and therefore I remain.
ReplyDeleteI've managed to do it twice and weed really does help me a lot with my pain and so far (4 years and counting) has kept me from having to return to narcotics.
DeleteI've been blessed not to need heavy painkillers except for a short time in the hospital right after surgery. I don't like what they do to me, and i'm glad of that.
ReplyDeleteMy heart goes out to those who have legitimate pain and no alternatives but to use meds that might ultimately betray them.
You're lucky and I hope you never have a need for them.
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