Sometimes we have to let go and just let it happen in order to get past the difficult times and ultimately move to the other side where inner peace can be reached. I know letting go is a frightening thing. I also know how putting your life in other people's hands or trusting someone else's judgment is equally frightening. I just spent a few days at a psychiatric facility. I want to write about that experience and will do so as the words come to me. I also want to write about the people who were instrumental in helping me through my crisis.
I'd like to start with thanking an old boyfriend for reaching out to me shortly before I was admitted to Baptist Hospital's Behavioral Medicine Center. I think it was his words that initially let me know that letting go was the right thing to do. I had done it many years before at a time when I had retreated into a very dark place. It was a time he had viewed firsthand. Due to the pain I had suppressed for many years as a child I finally lost my ability to function normally as a teenager. I eventually found drugs numbed my pain and allowed me to live in a void absent of all feeling-both good and bad. Outwardly, it was a "safe" place to reside, but inwardly I was slowly headed towards total annihilation. When I finally let go, I came close to dying, but I can honestly say that without letting go back then I would have definitely died at a very young age. As defiant and hardheaded as I was way back then, on some level I allowed myself to trust people enough to pull me through so I could go on living and eventually learn to thrive.
Most people know my life is pretty much an open book no matter where I am. I share things that most people try to keep tucked safely away in some dark, cozy closet. I share things that cause others much angst and shame. I use Facebook in much the same way as I use my blog only to a lesser degree because most people there don't like to read lengthy updates from people. Somehow social media seems to have created a population of ADHD-minded people who like to "skim" through their friend's and their family's lives. They get all the highlights without any real substance most of the time.
Sometimes I post links from my blog on Facebook so that my friends and family (those people who aren't in my everyday life) can remain "with" me. I learned long ago that shutting people out is a very damaging thing to do and that relationships don't thrive on neglect. Yes, I have slipped into becoming a hermit in the last 10 years or so, but my hermitude isn't completely void of people. My problem seems to be that the people I'm closest to live the farthest from me with the exception of my children who live close by. Through my written words I manage to stay connected to the people in my life who are most important to me and they never lack knowing what's up in Mildred's life.
About two weeks ago I posted a very lengthy update on Facebook (or at least lengthy for Facebook standards) that clearly let people know I was in emotional crisis and headed towards a place I should avoid. I ended that Facebook update with what I thought was a little humor, a very "Mildred" thing to do...
"One last thing...do I get a gold star for the longest Facebook status update?"
I didn't expect anyone to address my question due to the nature of the rest of my update, but I received confirmation from a blast from my past that indeed the update was a little on the lengthy side. That confirmation also came with many thought-provoking items. Although relationships can change and people come and go from our lives, some bonds/connections/friendships are meant to last in strange, unexplainable ways. The private messages Wayne sent me brought me to tears for several reasons. The most important one was that he cared enough about me to reach out to me in my time of need. For that, I am truly thankful. Without knowing it his words were the catalyst that opened the floodgates that needed to be opened so I could finally let go and just let it happen in order to get past this difficult time and ultimately move to the other side where inner peace could be reached once again.
As defined in the dictionary, a hermit is a person who has withdrawn from society and lives a solitary existence often times for religious reasons (Mildredism). The primary residence of a hermit is called a 'hermitage'. I lovingly call my hermitage "the cave". Several 'hermitages' in close proximity make up what I call a 'hermitdome' which most people might consider to be an enigma or a paradox since hermits like solitude above all else. Urban and suburban hermits may live in solitude together, but the rare rural hermit is revered by all hermits for he/she lives in true solitude! Regardless of where a hermit dwells, clustering too closely together is clearly avoided...or at least hermits claim they don't cluster unless it's mating season. Then you need to batten down your hatches and put up the NO VACANCY sign. Trust me, there's nothing more menacing than a hungry hoard of horny hermits (now that's a tongue twister in more ways than one.) Say it 5 times quickly without smiling and you get a prize!
A collection of 'hermitdomes' comprise the 'hermitsphere' or better described as the solitary cosmic universe in which a hermit spiritually resides. The atmosphere inside an individual 'hermitage' is called the 'hermitude'. A 'hermitude' is a true depiction of who the hermit is and reflects the hermit's general attitude...and altitude at all times. It can be dark, and dank inside and or it can be sunny and inviting or it can fluctuate between the two depending upon the ever-changing mood of the hermit. A 'hermitage' can be as simple or complex as a hermit wants it to be. Usually it's structured to fit the specific needs of the hermit that dwells inside so that outside contact can be kept as minimal as possible...except during mating season and then anything goes!
Does anyone care to interpret the dream I had last night? I spent last night dreaming about a rather large crack I have in my hermitage that was letting the sunshine inside. What a revolting development that was! I sat in my cave pondering the best way to repair the crack and then I noticed it! A huge FOR SALE sign was hanging by my front door. I sprung to my feet and quickly started trying to remove the sign, but the harder I pulled the more securely it stayed hung. I looked around and thought, "These deep red bedroom walls have to go! It's time for a change!" Yes, indeed it's time for a change! Any suggestions? Maybe purple instead? Perhaps I should wait for mating season and get a big, burly hermit to fix my crack. Oh no! I didn't just write that. What's wrong with me? Could it be that I'm one of those hungry, horny hermits, too? Okay folks, it's time to batten down your hatches and stay away from Mildred until she stops drooling. I'll wave a white flag when it's safe to come out of hiding...
To all my fellow hermits and kindred spirits alike, in the words of Robert Frost:
The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep...
