MY TSUNAMI

* Repost from November 2, 2011

The conversation I had this morning with a family member turned to a topic I used to avoid at all costs. My uneasiness used to be so apparent I thought people could see right into those deep, dark scary places inside of me. I thought that the little girl who stayed cringing in the shadows could be seen, but I was wrong. I quickly became a master at covering it up. Even those people closest to me never knew the cesspool in which I lived. And when the time was right, I eagerly and willingly accepted the label of being the black sheep of the family. It so conveniently explained all my erratic behavior and kept the awful, ugly truth from being known. 

Today, I attempted to explain why it takes some people so long to admit to being molested as a child. For the victim, it seems like an eternity of internalizing the pain and the shame and often times, they are quick to accept the blame because that seems to be the only control they have in something of this magnitude. The painful tsunami waxes and wanes throughout the person's life. It's crushing waters flood and warp every aspect of a person's psyche. Some people never get to the point of letting go of their false sense of security. 

The buoy they often cling to is the pain itself and forgiving both themselves and the molester is an unbearable task. But without forgiveness the healing process never begins. Without forgiveness the molester always stays in control. What a tangled web it is and one that a child has no tools to draw upon to help in their own recovery. How awful it is for any child to stay silent because they think no one will believe them. 

How horrible it is to have some perverse sense of loyalty towards the molester. In protecting that person and ultimately the whole family, the child sacrifices themselves. Struggle as they may to build a facade of normalcy, underneath that flimsy facade is a house of cards subject to tumble at any moment. When mine tumbled, it took many, many years to rebuild and be at the place I am today.

AS THE HEAVENLY BAND GROWS...

In one journalist's attempt to define Crosby, Neil McCormick wrote, "David Crosby didn’t try to sugar-coat his ‘bad stuff’ – and that’s what made him special." 

McCormick goes on to write that David Crosby lived one of the wildest lives in rock and roll, flying the freak flag high through decades of global fame and several fortunes won and lost, a white knuckle outlaw ride crammed with drugs, sex, death and a long stint in prison. 

But that’s not why we celebrate him or mourn his passing. Because he also participated in some of the most beautiful music heard in our times, writing gorgeous, complex songs of cosmic folk jazz, gilding the air with blissful harmonies and playing impossibly complex chords he seemed to pluck out of the ether. 

With his walrus moustache and a perpetual twinkle in his eye, he was a fantastic musician and a richly complex human being whose spirit became infused in the rock culture of the 1960s, seventies and beyond. He was one of the great hippies, one of the great band members in a couple of the greatest bands, and just really one of the greats.

The Croz - as he was known to friends and fans – is no more, dead at the age of 81. Which would come as no surprise to him, or anyone who knew him. 

“You really don’t know how much time you’ve got,” he told me when I spoke to him in 2021. 

“What counts is how you live that time. So what I’m trying to do is fill my life with my family, with love, with music that I make, as much as I possibly can. Because I know this sounds corny, but I believe in music. It’s a lifting force, it makes things better.”

Crosby personified the credo "sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll," and according to a 2014 Rolling Stone article, he was "rock's unlikeliest survivor." His turbulent life involved a major motorcycle accident, the loss of a lover, fights with hepatitis C and diabetes, and drug addictions that finally required a transplant to replace his liver.

Crosby, in partnership with longtime friend and entrepreneur Steven Sponder, developed a craft cannabis brand called "MIGHTY CROZ". Crosby, a 50-plus-year cannabis advocate, and connoisseur, credited cannabis with contributing to his creative process of songwriting stating, "All those hit songs, every one of them, I wrote them all on cannabis." Crosby also credited cannabis and cannabidiol (CBD) with alleviating his chronic shoulder pain, allowing him to continue touring and making new music well into his seventies. For more info about Crosby and his thoughts on cannabis you can read them on the Mighty Croz website.

Crosby was politically active throughout his professional career. He identified as a pacifist and was a well-known opponent over the US involvement in the Vietnam War, though he also defended the right to own guns.

Crosby was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame twice: once for his work in the Byrds and again for his work with CSN. Five albums to which he contributed are included in Rolling Stone's list of "The 500 Greatest Albums of All Time", three with the Byrds and two with CSN(Y). 

RIP David Van Cortlandt Crosby (August 14, 1941 – January 18, 2023)

WEE 1 TACTICAL FOR CHILDREN OF THE CORN

Yesterday I read an article that deeply disturbed me. Being deeply disturbed, terrified and angered by the news isn't anything new for most people, but in this case I wanted to dig a little deeper into the issue. Since so many people are gun owners in this country, I want to understand the mentality that surrounds gun ownership.  Why does a person feel the need to own a gun? Is it truly for protection? And if so, who are you being protected from? Should limits be put on how many guns a person can own? While the 2nd Amendment does give people the right to own a gun, it does nothing to set a standard for gun responsibility or accountability. Aren't those things equally important? We can't legally drive a car with having a license. We take a test as proof of our competence in order to get a license. If we own a vehicle we have to have insurance on that vehicle. We have to take certain precautions while driving like wearing a seatbelt. There are laws against texting while driving and driving while impaired because these activities are considered dangerous. 

First, I am not a gun owner. I am not against gun ownership but I am against gun violence. I believe we have far too many needless deaths in this country and worldwide due to guns. I don't pretend to have the solution to this deadly problem nor do I claim that there is a solution. But when I look at other industrialized countries in the world and we stand at the top of the list where gun violence is concerned, it leads me to believe that we have a serious problem, yet year after year we refuse to rationally address this issue. We continue to remain complacent while people around us die. This is what I don't understand. I don't understand what prevents people from sitting down like adults and talking about this problem.

Last year a new gun was introduced on the gun market aimed to appeal to children. I see absolutely no value for a gun like this, but maybe someone can and will step forward and educate me on why anyone would feel the need to buy their child a JR-15.  According to Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene's tweet the mass shooting at Robb Elementary School in Uvalde, Texas would have had a better outcome if the children had been armed. Seriously? Is that the solution? More guns? Especially in the hands of children? The thought of that makes me tremble. To me it sounds like "Children of the Corn" armed!!! Be careful what you wish for, Marjorie!

Representative Green tweeted:

"The kids at Uvalde needed JR-15s to defend themselves from the evil maniac that didn’t care about laws.

At least they could have defended themselves since no one else did, while their parents were held back by police..."

30 YEARS AGO TODAY

Sgt. Pepper taught the band to play...no, no, no! That was 20 years ago today and pushing a lawnmower had nothing to do with Sgt. Pepper or his lonely hearts club band. Thirty years ago yesterday, I stood in blazing heat pushing a lawnmower trying to ready the house I had rented for the move I was about to make after giving birth. As I pushed the lawnmower in record heat, I got more pissed off with every swatch I mowed. My dear husband was in California doing who knows what while I, 9 months pregnant was pushing a lawnmower. People kept giving me odd looks as they rode by, but not one person stopped to offer any help. I guess doing that would have been the neighborly thing to do and apparently, doing the neighborly thing didn't seem what most people had on their minds. 

So I mowed and mowed until I was exhausted and the job was finally done. At least my other two children would have a yard to play in while I attended my new bundle of joy. Early the next morning I awoke to a low backache and a cramping sensation. I laid there several minutes before realizing I was in labor. How appropriate it was to be in labor on Labor Day. I called ahead to the Navy hospital to find out where exactly I needed to go since it was a federal holiday and the normal procedure no longer held true. When I told the person on the other end of the phone my contractions were 4 minutes apart and this was my 3 child, I sensed urgency in their voice as they told me to come to the hospital right away. So off I went to have my 3rd and final child. After being examined, I was told I wasn't quite ready to admit, BUT they didn't want me to go very far so I was told to go hang out in the waiting room with all the expectant fathers. Ha! 

Nothing clears a room out faster than putting a woman in labor in the same room as the fathers who opted not to participate in the birthing process. Thirty years ago today, I gave birth to my youngest son. Those 30 years have sped by faster than I care to admit. Happy birthday, Matthew! You are one of the 3 beacons in my life and I love you dearly. I have a suggestion for the next 30 years....let's slow down how fast they go by! 

Gratitude statement: I am truly grateful for the kind of people my three children grew into being. 

*Repost from September 1, 2010

This Test Is Absolutely 100% Accurate!

Just for fun, I did this I Write Like test by letting a sample of my writing be analyzed by a computer program. You can stop laughing anytime now! The ONLY difference between Ann Rice and me is about $60 million and a little thing called talent. Other than that, she and I are just alike. So, that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Addendum 5/1/18 2:41 pm CST:
I'm proud to announce that I copied and pasted a random excerpt from Anne Rice's Interview With A Vampire and had it analyzed. Anne should be proud to know she writes like Stephanie Meyer [sarcasm inserted] I'm sorry, but vampires DO NOT sparkle in the daylight! Insatiable, sultry Lestat De Lioncourt vs Bedazzled Edward Cullen, the vanilla vampire? Seriously? Lestat would literally have Edward for lunch!

* Repost from May 1, 2018

ONE MORE FOR GOOD MEASURE

Foamy always knows best...