MY TSUNAMI

* Repost from November 2, 2011

The conversation I had this morning with a family member turned to a topic I used to avoid at all costs. My uneasiness used to be so apparent I thought people could see right into those deep, dark scary places inside of me. I thought that the little girl who stayed cringing in the shadows could be seen, but I was wrong. I quickly became a master at covering it up. Even those people closest to me never knew the cesspool in which I lived. And when the time was right, I eagerly and willingly accepted the label of being the black sheep of the family. It so conveniently explained all my erratic behavior and kept the awful, ugly truth from being known. 

Today, I attempted to explain why it takes some people so long to admit to being molested as a child. For the victim, it seems like an eternity of internalizing the pain and the shame and often times, they are quick to accept the blame because that seems to be the only control they have in something of this magnitude. The painful tsunami waxes and wanes throughout the person's life. It's crushing waters flood and warp every aspect of a person's psyche. Some people never get to the point of letting go of their false sense of security. 

The buoy they often cling to is the pain itself and forgiving both themselves and the molester is an unbearable task. But without forgiveness the healing process never begins. Without forgiveness the molester always stays in control. What a tangled web it is and one that a child has no tools to draw upon to help in their own recovery. How awful it is for any child to stay silent because they think no one will believe them. 

How horrible it is to have some perverse sense of loyalty towards the molester. In protecting that person and ultimately the whole family, the child sacrifices themselves. Struggle as they may to build a facade of normalcy, underneath that flimsy facade is a house of cards subject to tumble at any moment. When mine tumbled, it took many, many years to rebuild and be at the place I am today.

I AM A MESS

Back along ( I won't say when because everyone will holler WTF in unison) I injured my shoulder and it has progressively gotten worse since then. I can't extend my arm in front of me nor can I raise it above my head. The pain radiates all the way down my arm to my wrist. Getting dressed and undressed is a real challenge. In November my rheumatologist ordered X-rays and a MRI, but when I went to have them done the order was written for the wrong shoulder and the place wouldn't call the doctor's office to get the order changed verbally. Initially, I had a follow-up appointment in December with my rheumatologist which I intended to get the error corrected then, but I got a call from her office and they had to reschedule my appointment for a later date. At that point I called my primary care and got an appointment and was seen quickly. My primary care doctor ordered a MRI for the correct shoulder and it's scheduled for Friday. Given all my symptoms, she thinks I have a torn rotator cuff. Needless to say, I've been in pain most of the time and sleeping is difficult. Sleeping is always difficult anyways, but I feel like I'm in a fog all the time. No, the fog isn't from smoking weed! :) It's from lack of sleep and pain. I'm wondering if the surgery I had in October 2020 that caused nerve damage and muscle wasting syndrome has in some way contributed to this injury and if it will show up on the MRI. I will definitely mention it on Friday and hopefully they can capture that area on the image. So one thing is for certain, I can start 2023 with saying Mildred is a mess!    

30 TRUTHS IN 30 DAYS - DAY TWENTY-THREE

Truth #23: One of the most destructive forces known to man is gossip. Children these days use it to crucify one another on social media and everywhere you see adults engaging in gossip when all they're doing is spreading vicious lies about another human being. I suppose in order to feel superior one must rake someone else over the coals in attempt to destroy their reputation. You probably needn't look any further than after church on Sunday when women start talking about what one another have worn to church. Yes, women are catty devils, but men gossip also! 

When I was young being the black sheep of the family made me the prime target of gossip. I developed thick skin at an early age and whenever I caught wind of any gossip related to me going around, I would add to the story making it much juicier than what the story already was. Then I would send it out for another go around. I know most young people have tender feelings and gossip crushes them, but I didn't really care what people said about me.  I found it amusing that they had nothing better to do with their time than to gossip about me. Some teens even succumb to bullies by committing suicide because they can't handle the pressure of the gossip and lies. It's sad that people don't stop and think about what they're doing to other people by spreading gossip. Gossip can cause real pain and devastation in a person's life.

When I was a kid we used to play a game called Telegraph. We'd all sit in a line and the first person would whisper something in the second person's ear only once. Then each person would whisper what they heard to the next person passing it down the line. The last person would have to say what they heard out loud. Nine times out of ten that last person would never say out loud the same thing the first person whispered. The same thing happens with gossip. It gets stretched and distorted along the way the more it gets passed around. Be careful with participating in gossip because you're only hurting another human being and it may come back to bite you someday. 

THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT

I had an extremely restless night last night. I was in a lot of pain. Sleep came relatively early which is very unusual for me, but my dreams were strange and scattered. I kept feeling like someone was brushing my hair away from my face. That didn't really bother me, but I couldn't wake myself to see who it was. At the times I did wake up, my pain was so intense I had tears in my eyes because of it. Then I would drift in and out of sleep almost like I had been drugged, but I wasn't drugged. The weird part about the whole thing is that this morning when I woke up to take my dogs out around 6am. When I turned my lamp on there was a pile of sunflower seeds on my nightstand. I don't have any sunflower seeds in my house and I can't tell you when the last time I even ate any sunflower seeds. I have no idea how they got there and they weren't there when I went to bed last night. I really do think I have a poltergeist or maybe I'm going crazy!

TIME

Time, for many, is a healer of wounds...both physical and emotional. Time gives each of us a chance to be eternally hopeful because time seems to hold an infinite quantity of second chances. It allows the opportunity for self-examination to those bold enough to explore within. Time acts, in many instances, as the catalyst that makes us choose one path rather than another. I smile as I think of the times instant gratification has influenced my decisions. Instead of choosing wisely or cautiously, I chose what felt best in the heat of the moment. How different my life would have been if I had given more thought to the consequences of my decisions! Nonetheless time always ironed out the kinks and made even the roughest roads easier to travel. Time too often morphs into a dreaded enemy who extinguishes life’s positive spark with uncertainty and fear. Time demands each of us to face the unknown. How we handle that unknown and incorporate it into our character shows our true strength and versatility. A person who remains “young at heart” has embraced the inevitable seasons of life. Growing old gracefully is an art that depicts a rare, true inner beauty. Vanity creates a battlefield in which gray hair and wrinkles are silent soldiers who strike unmercifully while we are busy living life. One day we awake to find our bodies have changed and our days are numbered. The gift of immortality was just an illusion. It isn't until we grow older that we see all good things do come to an end and dying is just as much a part of life as living has been. Ultimately, is time a friend or foe?

Time is Too slow for those who wait, Too swift for those who fear, Too long for those who grieve, Too short for those who rejoice; But for those who love, Time is eternity

~Henry Van Dyke~

Gratitude statement: I'm thankful time hasn't closed my heart from the pain I've experienced, but opened it to be more understanding and compassionate. 

* Repost from April 30, 2010

30 TRUTHS IN 30 DAYS - DAY ELEVEN

Truth #11: Words are immensely powerful. One cruel remark can scar someone for life. They always say the pen is mightier than the sword and I have to agree because words have the ability to have far-reaching and longer effect than the quick swipe of a sword blade. That sword blade may be swift, deadly and accurate, but a person's words will remain with you always to continue causing pain and suffering long after they have been spoken. They come back to haunt you at unexpected times and in unexpected places and for those reasons I say the pen is mightier than the sword. 

30 TRUTHS IN 30 DAYS - DAY SEVEN

Truth #7: Grief isn't something that ever truly ends. You take it with you until the day you die. You learn to live with it and over time the tears become less frequent. The pain fades, but the love you feel remains. The losses of loved ones that touch your life change you and mold you into being a stronger person until that next wave of grief hits. Then for a time you lose your balance and succumb to all the emotions of loss all over again. The process brings me to my knees because my heart aches for the people I no longer have in my life. My heart cries out for them and there is only silence. I know that may sound selfish and so be it. But today I miss my mother and she's gone...

WHEN KARMA IS KIND

When a person gets to a certain point in their life making new friends and expanding their inner circle usually doesn't happen often. I have a handful of close friends that I've been through the trenches with at various times for various reasons who I would say know me better than anyone else. These people are my soul sisters...the sisters I never had in real life. Have I had close male friends? Of course! I still do, but until recently (within the last year) I've never met anyone who reached the "soul sister" status until this person. 

The connection I have made with this person is quite odd because first it came completely out of the blue for both of us. It's a bit on the serendipitous side. Neither of us sought it out. It just happened! The connection was instant and quite powerful...almost as if we were being drawn together by some unseen force. The funny part about it is that I don't feel a bit uncomfortable telling him personal things about myself because he doesn't judge me. I think he sees me for who I am and he thinks that person is okay. And I feel the same way about him. We both may be damaged people, but the pain we feel is shared pain. Somehow we've found comfort in knowing each other.

I've only had that type of acceptance from so few people in my life that it feels odd and mysterious at times, but I've grown not to question it, but to embrace it for what it is...a true gift. I hate to use this word because I'm not a religious person, but I feel blessed. I know things happen for a reason and sometimes we never find out those reasons...this may be one of those times where I'm just supposed to sit back and enjoy the ride and not over analyze it and pick it apart (that's a Virgo thing to do, by the way) If something jumps we have to know how far it jumped and why it jumped and if it'll jump again.

Years ago when I was in so much emotional pain, my ego had been completely destroyed when I left Texas as an empty shell. That's all I was. I was no more than one of the walking dead when I returned to Pensacola. Now 17 years later the universe seems to want to right itself by sending a kind, gentle voice from Texas to touch those painful places in me and help fade the scars that have held me prisoner and made me believe I'm not worth very much as a human being. How do you thank someone other than just by giving them a heartfelt thank you and by being there for them when they need you?  I often wonder if he has any idea what impact he has had on my overall psyche this past year. If not, I'm sure he'll get an inkling when he reads this blog post.

THE TRUTH IS A VIRUS

[Originally written April 9, 2009, taken from an excerpt on my blog, Abnormally Normal People, edited and reposted]

Truth? As far out on the edge as I've teetered, something has always kept me from stepping into the abyss. Truth? My pain and I have a very intimate relationship. It’s very complicated and the only lasting relationship I’ve ever had. It’s definitely a love-hate relationship full of angst and exploration leading me into places where I’m able to forget my pain temporarily. During those times, life has been wonderful and filled with adventures, but nonetheless those times were temporary.

Is there anyone out there who has ever gotten to the point of saying "I'm done"? Well, what do you do when you're done? What do you do when you look back at the life you've lived and see that it's taken you to a place of true complacency and indifference? Wow! That's a place I never thought I'd be! Anger maybe. Rage was always a possibility. Bitterness was always aching to be number one on the hit parade, but what did I get? Complacency and indifference salted with a dash of disillusionment.

Without all the gory details, I recently made a decision that possibly could be the queen of all my self-destructive acts. I know some might think anyone making the decision to stop an addiction... any addiction is a wise decision. Perhaps it is! What would one say to someone who is addicted to prescribed narcotics and muscle relaxers and who has decided to stop taking those drugs against medical advice? Hmmmmmmm! Go for it? Good luck? You’re a damn fool? There’s no escaping the truth. When you’re done, you’re done.

Truth? Drugs have veiled many of my written words over the past several years. Okay, for some that may come as no big surprise, but for me it does. What surprises me is that after living through the horrors of drug abuse at a younger age, I allowed myself to take the easy way out as an adult and become something I hated. I would like nothing more than to be able to blame the doctors who prescribed the drugs to me, but I can't do that. I won’t do that! They had a job to do and did it. What transpired was a perfectly legal act, although some might question the ethics or morals involved.

Was I some drug-seeking individual that goes from doctor to doctor hoping to score some decent drugs? Truth? No! My medical problems set me on the path of having the best drugs health insurance could legally buy. Unfortunately, the nature of the beast includes developing a tolerance to prescribed narcotics. What may work initially only becomes a way to take the edge off and feel somewhat normal…. whatever normal is I’ve forgotten.

After careful consideration, I decided to go cold turkey. Is that the politically correct term these days or is it only showing my age? I decided to do this withdrawal in stages thinking that it would be easier on me due to other health issues. Instead of weaning myself off my meds, I abruptly stopped taking my Oxycontin first and now, I’m in the throes of a nasty divorce from Percocet 10’s. The muscle relaxers were flushed sometime in the midst of all this madness. Has my last month been fun? Hell no, but what I do know is that withdrawal can be accomplished. All it takes is determination and insanity will take you the rest of the way.

Gratitude statement: I'm grateful for having another blog I can steal stuff from when I don't feel like journaling.

The Wetter The Better

There's a few rules in life and one of them is to never make me the bartender...NEVER!  I don't follow recipes very well. I'm a do my own thing type of person after I get the basics down. 

You see we had a rather small family gathering for my daughter's birthday and it involved strawberry daiquiris and social distancing and cupcakes that my son-in-law couldn't believe I made because they looked like they had been professionally made. Oh yeah, I'm that good when I want to be! The birthday party was great, but my "normal" evening consists of sitting in my backyard, listening to music and shooting the shit with Martha while we social distance across the chain link fence lit by tiki torches. 

After the birthday party, I made a "special" blender full of daiquiris just for Martha and me and I don't drink or I should say I may drink something maybe once a year so this was designated as "my once a year."  After four strong drinks and some tsunami strength Surfing in a Hurricane weed for medicinal purposes only (I see you rolling your eyes as you read this) I was one with the world and ready to boogaloo down Broadway in my flamingo mask, but Pensacola doesn't have a Broadway unfortunately or maybe it was a fortunate thing for the inhabitants of Northwest Florida. I've never gotten the feeling that the South has ever been quite ready for this Yankee all the years I've lived here. I've always felt like a fish out of water or a flamingo amongst a flock of geese.

Martha almost got the hose after me last night because I threatened to jump...no, not off a bridge or a building. I jumped up and down one night not long ago when I was pretty baked and I felt like dancing and it was the WRONG thing to do. Someone with as many disc/spinal problems as I have shouldn't jump...EVER! I found that out after the second or third jump. I was in so much pain I whimpered that I needed to sit down NOW and that jumping was the wrong thing to do. Enlightenment always comes quickly with pain! Martha's husband told her to get the hose if I ever tried to jump again, so she run and got the hose last night. She was ready to blast me with it. I kept telling her I was going to do it, but I was just yanking her chain. Imagine that! Me yanking someone's chain? You see, if I were her I would have soaked me just on general principles and laughed at me while I screamed and hollered as the cold water baptized me. The wetter the better I say and Martha could have put this fish back in the water where I belong!

I WEAR MY SCARS PROUDLY

I was on Facebook and came across this silly app and I tried it because I was bored. The app claims to be able to address whatever suffering a person has experienced in their lifetime from scanning a facial photo.

What suffering have you been through, according to your Face?

(I thought I was being slick by choosing a picture of myself when I was much, much younger)

Mildred, here is your scan result!

Brave and inspiring words, Mildred! You've clearly seen 

your fair share of heartbreak and worry over the years, 

but what's important is how you fought on to a brighter 

future. You clearly possess an incredibly resilient and 

passionate spirit that simply can't be broken!

So I'm leading a fulfilled life, am I?  What I want to 

know is when I'm going to be skinny, beautiful, 

healthy and wealthy. I guess for that I need

 to rub a bottle and get 3 wishes from a genie. 

Does anyone want to borrow my genie?

LOOKING THROUGH SOMEONE ELSE'S EYES

Many of you are already familiar with Klahanie Blog, but for those of you who aren't, I'd like to share Gary's story titled Twenty Years Ago. His honesty left me truly breathless, tearful and humbled by the pain and the helplessness he has struggled to overcome. Suddenly, my pain seemed minuscule and insignificant in comparison. Gary's story was just the reality check and kick in the ass I needed to start these rusty, old wheels grinding again so I can contemplate a life outside the cave in which I live. Right now that thought scares me, but I hope in time I can look forward to anticipating tomorrow as today ends. Please take a few minutes to pay Gary a visit and cheer him on as he continues to evolve.

BITTEN BY AN EMOTIONAL VAMPIRE

I'm just not feeling "it" today, but that's when it's most crucial to have a little peek at all the nastiness lurking inside. I bet the technician who did my abdominal ultrasound very early this morning, saw a bunch of my nastiness lurking in my pancreas, my liver and my gallbladder. It really sucks when your organs don't behave themselves.  So for today, here are my thoughts...

In life we have two choices. We can either rise above the pain and sorrow or we can stay emotionally paralyzed by the demons of our past. Few of us had a perfect childhood and yes, too many of us bear the ugly scars of coming from a dysfunctional family. But remaining crippled by our past takes away our ability to give and to receive love. We lose the ability to forgive and move forward. We dwell in a gray area where our demons thrive. We are weakened by some unseen, unrelenting force that continually reminds us to never trust, to never have hope and to never have faith. That force is an emotional vampire wanting to drain us dry, but fear not because that vampire can be defeated. It's a choice and the choice is ours and ours alone to make.

Maybe tomorrow I'll feel a little more human and be ready to kick ass. For now, it's off to bed so the sugar plum fairies can work their magic on me.

Toothache Thursday

ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
The day - May 3rd
The year - 1937
Margaret Mitchell wins Pulitzer Prize for "Gone With the Wind"

ON THIS DAY IN MILDRED'S LIFE:
The day - May 3rd
The year - 2018
Mildred threatens to pull the damn demon tooth herself like she has with all the others in the past. I bet you didn't know Mildred is such a hardcore masochist and is well on her way to becoming toothless too!


Note to self: Maybe a lobotomy will work better!

THE BEAST WITHIN ME

As this year winds down, it's time for me to reflect on the things that affect my life the most.  In the past several years, my health issues have worsened, but I think I've finally gotten to the point of being so sick and tired of being sick and tired that it's time for me to dig down deep and grab whatever stamina I have left and try to save this slowly sinking ship.  2014 has got to be a year of change! Great things have got to happen!

Here's a list of my current health problems:

1. Insulin dependent Type ll Diabetes - uncontrolled, of course!  No doctor in the past 11 years

since I was diagnosed has been able to get my A1C in a normal range.  Trust me, EVERYTHING has been tried and it remains a mystery as to why my diabetes is so tenacious.  I wonder if it might have a genetic factor to it since my paternal grandmother had the same type of tenacity with treating her diabetes.  As an added bonus of my uncontrolled diabetes I developed diabetic neuropathy in my feet.  The burning sensation and stabbing pain is so bad at times it makes me want to cry.  Standing on my feet during these bouts is challenging and very painful.  Recently, I was put on Lyrica and that initially helped with easing the neuropathic pain in my feet and also with the "all over" pain I experience from fibromyalgia I was diagnosed as having about a decade ago.  My other diabetic related health problem is gastroparesis. Gastroparesis is another fun diabetic complication!  Food sits undigested in my stomach for long periods of time due to damaged nerves in my stomach.  It's hard to describe how good food tastes when it goes down and how putrid it is after sitting in my stomach for a day or so.  This condition causes pain in my upper gastric tract.  Needless to say, I eat A LOT of cottage cheese and applesauce which is easy to digest.  I do feel thankful that I haven't developed anything more serious as a result of my uncontrolled diabetes and hope my upcoming endocrinologist appointment will be a start to finding a solution to these problems. 

 

2. Pain - I'm lumping all my various spinal related issues into one large category called "PAIN".   In 2003, I had 2 disks in my neck fused.  At that time, I was told I had the neck of a 94 year old woman and was told I had several things going on with my back and neck.  After that surgery, I swore I'd never have another surgery because the recovery was so difficult.  "Never" lasted 9 years.  By the time I had my second neck surgery, I couldn't raise my head to eye level without it causing my arms to go completely numb.  It was next to impossible to function without the use of my arms and I knew the longer I put off surgery the more permanent the nerve damage was going to be, so it was back to the neurosurgeon to have 2 more disks fused.  From September 2012 to June 2013, a nine month period I had 3 back surgeries.  My neurosurgeon claims there isn't anything else he can do for me, so basically, I'm supposed to just grin and bear it but grinning and bearing it consists of days where I can barely walk or stand up straight due to the intense pain.  I have severe headaches from the muscles in my neck and back tightening and causing horrific muscle spasms, nausea and blurred vision.  I know I need to go get a second opinion, but I'm really afraid to do that.  I keep asking myself what I'm afraid of and I don't know if it's that someone will agree that there's nothing else that can be done for me or if someone will say I need more surgery.  Of course, I see a pain management specialist, but all that means is getting combos of potent narcotics to take.  I so hate doing that, but am forced to take the pain meds when I can't function any other way.  In 2009, I went off ALL my pain meds cold turkey because I wasn't getting the relief from them I should have been getting.  It was insane to keep filling my body with meds that were doing more harm than good.  Withdrawal took about a month of pure hell. Now 4 years later, I'm right back there again and the doctor wants to try me on what I call the "Dear Jesus" patch (Duragesic)  or Methadone because everything else I take or have taken just doesn't work.   I'm not sure how I feel about taking this next step.  I'll mull it over in the next couple of weeks before my next appointment with him and make some sort of decision. 

3.  Autoimmune hepatitis - The 3 most common autoimmune diseases are lupus, rheumatoid arthritis and Crohn's disease.  Apparently my body has decided it doesn't like my liver anymore.  Isn't that special?  Too bad it didn't decide to dislike the fat on my stomach and hips instead!  After having a complete work up (CT of the abdomen, abdominal ultrasound, labwork, etc.) followed by a liver biopsy, my doctor thought it was best that I go to Oschner's Clinic in New Orleans.  It's the closest transplant facility to where I live.  He felt it was a good idea for me to get in their system in case at some future date I need their services.  The following is a short rundown on what an autoimmune disease is if you're not familiar with it.

Our bodies have an immune system, which is a complex network of special cells and organs that defends the body from germs and other foreign invaders. At the core of the immune system is the ability to tell the difference between self and nonself: what's you and what's foreign. A flaw can make the body unable to tell the difference between self and nonself. When this happens, the body makes autoantibodies that attack normal cells by mistake. At the same time special cells called regulatory T cells fail to do their job of keeping the immune system in line. The result is a misguided attack on your own body. This causes the damage we know as autoimmune disease. The body parts that are affected depend on the type of autoimmune disease.

4. Sleep apnea -  Controlled with the use of a CPAP machine. This one I got scared into doing because my O2 stats had dropped to 73% while sleeping (anything under 90% is considered respiratory distress) and I had stopped breathing over 150 times per hour determined by a sleep study, but the good news was that I had also started breathing again over 150 times.  When the doctor reviewed the results of my sleep study, he was amazed that I hadn't had a stroke or a heart attack in my sleep.  That night I started using my CPAP machine and have used it every night since then.  I am a believer!

5. All the other "lesser" stuff - high blood pressure (controlled by meds), high cholesterol (controlled by meds), Vitamin D deficiency (in the process of being controlled by meds), GERD (controlled by meds), chronic insomnia (uncontrolled, but I do take Trazodone and it works sometimes), adult onset asthma (controlled by meds PRN)  I'm sure I've missed something, but quite frankly, my dear...I don't give a damn right now!  I'm off to take a nap because all of a sudden I desperately need one.

Update 2/19/14: I've been on 2 more rounds of 3 months of Vitamin D therapy but my lab values refuse to improve.  I have an appointment with an endocrinologist to address that and my diabetes.  I think I'm falling apart!

6. Depression and anxiety - This is something I've been in denial about for such a long time, but it's the silent, dark horse I ride.  I isolate myself so I don't have to be around people because I don't want them to see me suffer, but isolating myself is the worse thing I can do.  I know depression makes all ailments feel worse, but to treat it means taking more drugs and many of those drugs cause weigh gain and any weight gain makes my diabetes worse.  It's a vicious circle that seems to have no jumping off point.  I no longer know how to help myself.  At this point I don't know if there is any real help.

GIVE ME AN "F"

Over the past month or so I've tried very hard to focus my mind on other things other than my pain in my right arm. I've played poker, posted new entries on my blog, removed wallpaper and painted the bathroom and participated in life as normally as I possibly can. I've been to the doctor twice. The first time I was told I had tendonitis obviously, from all the tennis I play and was given Motrin to take for 10 days. Okay, when that didn't do the trick, I reluctantly went back. This time I was given an order for a x-ray of my left thumb (I have a small lump at the base of my thumb)and an order for physical therapy. The pain had increased and radiates through my entire arm and goes into my shoulder blade causing muscle spasms. I really need to give up playing tennis! I was also given a prescription for steroids to take.

Anyone with diabetes knows that steroids and diabetes does not mix well. After getting the Rx filled, I've decided not to take the steroids. In the past, the benefits gained from taking steroids haven't been enough to merit struggling with the elevated blood sugar it causes. I did, however have the x-ray done and attempted to have physical therapy set up only to find out that my insurance doesn't cover physical therapy. Why doesn't this surprise me?

I'm not too upset over the physical therapy issue because each time I exert my arm, it only ends up hurting worse. I have found that if I move my head slightly to left and rest my arm on top of my head, the pain goes away. Perhaps I can duck tape my head and arm in that position and then all I'll have is just the normal pain I suffer from daily. Experimenting with repositioning my head and arm leads me to believe that the true problem comes from my neck and/or back. And since I refuse to have anymore surgery to that area of my body, the name of the game is grin and bear it! That game I'm much better at than playing tennis!

Gratitude statement: I'm thankful for being able to grin and bear it rather than letting out the primal scream I feel slowly brewing.

MEDICATION TIME

I'm in pain and I'm scared.

Gratitude statement: In some twisted way, I'm thankful for the pain because it makes me know I'm still alive.

SECONDARY GAIN PAIN

I ordered two workbooks my yoyo inspector wants me to do work in. When the package came, I immediately opened the book to see if the order was right, but then took the box and deposited it in my bedroom, the infamous cave. Did I ever tell anyone what color my cave walls are painted? They're bohemian red (dark red). I have African masks on the walls and a few wooden African statues. Over my bed or at least one of my beds, the one in the "red room" (I have 3 places in the house I attempt sleep) I have a large framed Wizard of Oz poster.

Getting back to the point...my workbooks sat in the box until last night while I was watching Bill Maher's HBO show Real Time. I picked up the one titled The Courage to Heal Workbook For Women and Men Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse and held it in my hands for about 2 seconds before tossing it back in the box. Nope! I wasn't ready for that one yet!
The other seemed less intimidating: Pain Recovery How to Find Balance and Reduce Suffering from Chronic Pain A Comprehensive Opioid-Free Approach. How's that for a title?

I opened the book and started reading. Almost immediately, there was a large caution written? Basically, it said cold turkey isn't the way to kick a habit. I wrote an "OOPS!!" in the margin. I guess that's not a good way to start a new program by doing things the Mildred Ratched method (like that way has worked so well for me in the past).

I got through the first exercise okay. I had to identify my causes of chronic pain from a rather long list. I checked off what applied to me. The next exercise, I read and went blank. I really didn't know what to write. I read it again and still drew a blank, so I went on to the next exercise. This little jewel was titled: Secondary Gain: A Hidden Barrier to Recovery. I felt like someone had slapped me in the face. I instantly felt so embarrassed and ashamed that I wanted to runaway or at least never come out of my cave again. I can't do this! I can't make myself feel worse while I'm already teetering on the edge. My very thin lifeline has been being able to express how I feel and now I feel I shouldn't do that because it's a secondary gain. WTF!!! Retreat! Stay silent! Don't ask, don't tell!

To quote the book: Secondary gain refers to any perceived benefit you receive from having pain. If not indentified, secondary gain gives you unconscious reasons for holding onto your pain. This does not mean you are pretending to hurt for the benefits you get, just that the perceived benefits make pain rewarding in some ways and thus more complicated to treat. (pain junkie aka glutton for punishmnet)

My next blog entry will deal with the list of perceived payoffs I get for being in pain. I need awhile to warp my short-circuited brain around this so I can start to move past it. This isn't something I want to do because just the thought of secondary gain is causing me pain, stress, embarrassment and shame, but since I'm a glutton for punishment I'll do it and I'll do it with honesty and conviction.

Gratitude statement: Although recovering is a difficult and lifelong process, taking the first step is the hardest. I'm thankful for having the courage and good sense to take that first step.

I'VE FALLEN AND I CAN'T GET UP

Lately, it feels as though my life is some sad cry in your beer County & Western song.  The only thing missing is some two-timing womanizing jerk...thank God for small miracles! It's hard to motivate myself to even begin to write about my days MIA.  I do appreciate all the messages and emails I've received while I've been in this dark cave eating Oreos by myself (just a silly metaphor). Most of you, seem like gentle, patient people who understand how life can really throw zingers a person's way.  

Those of you who nudge me gently...thank you and those who have been demanding and rude...get a life! For Christ sake, life does not revolve around blogging or the internet.  Yes, writing is an excellent outlet and blogging is a great way to get to know people who you might otherwise never get to know...BUT sometimes sharing is just too painful especially when the wound is fresh.  Sometimes the words just aren't there. So how do you capture a tear? Or share a broken heart? How do you convey that being alone is what you need even though everyone says being alone is the worst thing in the world? No, the worst thing in the world is having to watch someone you dearly love slowly waste away and die. The worst thing in the world is not being able to help... And in the end the worst thing in the world is not really knowing if who you loved so dearly knew how deeply you felt or how much that they will be missed after they die. 

 

My father died a week ago. The pain is fresh and I'll be back when I can focus on topics other than my own sadness.

Comments:

Stephen
JUNE 25, 2008 AT 8:15 AM
Oh I know where you’re coming from on SO MANY levels. I wish and hope that the rut you are currently in fades and goes away. It’s not easy to just "get over it" as so many people might think. Life happens and there isn’t a damn thing we can do about it other than duck quickly when something gets hurled at you, if you know what I mean. 🙂

We’ll all still be here when you come back – take your time and be good to yourself. 🙂


Nina
JUNE 25, 2008 AT 9:15 AM
Thinking of you! Take good care of yourself and don’t rush through what you’re feeling…just because you or others think that you should feel differently…faster. Be patient! Life sometimes throws shit our way. "This too shall pass", as they say, but for now…just be with it and mourn your loss(es)! Many hugs, Nina


Cat
JUNE 25, 2008 AT 1:20 PM 
Loss like that one never really ’gets over’ or has’closure’ – be kind to yourself – hugs and soothing cups of tea to help you heal as best you can – and take all the time you need – and I found that I could write a bit about the pain of my recent losses and fear of loss even if it was only a sentence or two – and there were those who understood and that helped – was awhile before I could even strat catching up on other’s spaces but I’m working on it…


Laoch
JUNE 25, 2008 AT 1:39 PM
good wishes to you



Sleepdeprived
JUNE 25, 2008 AT 3:25 PM 
Take the time you need to take care of yourself. Loss is difficult and the stages of slowly watching someone you love move on is heart-breaking, at best, soul-shredding at worst. Be kind to yourself and try not to second-guess what you’re feeling or whether they know how you felt. Chances are really good that they did and the best way to show them is to have their love, laughter, and joy live on through you! All my best to you! R


Scottishpeace
JUNE 28, 2008 AT 12:47 AM
How sad you "sound"….Please know that you have a shoulder available to "cry on" privately if needed, and I’ll feed you all the Oreos you want (within health safety guidelines, of course.) Take care of yourself. You obviously have a lot of support out here in "cyberspace"….Maybe if I leave a trail of Oreos I can coax you out of your dark cave???? Think about it as an option, not a demand. I’ll be thinking of you.{{{{{{{{Hug}}}}}}}}}


barbara
JUNE 30, 2008 AT 1:10 PM
Don’t neglect yourself. Take the time you need just don’t forget the beauty in the world. Even if at times like this it seems hollow and without meaning, the beauty isn’t just in what you see. Take good care of you…….. and don’t eat too many Oreo cookies.


Stephen Craig
JULY 6, 2008 AT 7:06 PM 
Dear Karen, I am sure they will know and feel your love. My Father is fading fast but seemed to light up again this past week. Mom said one day he was singing and knew all of the words to the song. Next day he was fully dressed in his wheelchair with a big smile and had his wits about him. Mom wheeled him out into the sun for awhile. Today when I called he was back in that deep sleep. God bless him. From the All we come and into the All we must one day return even though we are ever a part of the All.

Sadness is an experience as singular as pain. No one else knows how one feels. Friends keep friends in thoughts and prayers.

As ever be well,

My Friend,

Stephen Craig Rowe


EbonyWyvernDragon
JULY 7, 2008 AT 5:23 PM
I understand. more than I can say…..our hands are here for you whenever you are ready to take them….. our eyes will read whenever you are ready to share….

((((((((HUG))))))))

Dragon


Linda
JULY 8, 2008 AT 9:54 AM
Take care and know that you are loved – always and forever!

Alone is sometimes the best place to be – especially during rough times. There we can release our frustration and gather the strength to go on.

J W
AUGUST 7, 2008 AT 7:07 AM
We parted on bad terms. It was my failure to notice your struggle with pain that made this so. You are correct. There are simply times when we need to heal, or try to heal, alone. Mistakes were made. I take full blame. Yes, love really does hurt. Being a total jerk is the lot I have to live with concerning you. Hoping you find your peace. I’m working on mine. Sincerely hope you find yours first. Second chances are not always readily at hand. Just want you to be happy. That is a perfect truth.

John


Stephen Craig
AUGUST 23, 2008 AT 11:24 PM
Dear Karen, Work has been busy and all here has been madness mixed with hope, dreams and prayers. The day to day has become, one day at a time. When I rise near the crack of noon my first words are, "Thank God!" As I see the time on my nightstand then fire up the day! Dismissing all that needs be done I then light up my screen and make a pot of coffee. Call my Mother to see how Dad is doing and check email, spaces and blogs. Frame some paintings or make some new art. Then realize it is time to go to work. Enough of this for now. Hope to talk with you soon. As ever be well,

Stephen Craig Rowe


Rick
SEPTEMBER 6, 2008 AT 8:51 PM
Well hope everything is working out for you.But honestly for me this place is ruined. And done so by one person to whom the masses bow down to like sheep in the pasture. Why I can’t even come on here unless I’m piss drunk, and then it’s usually just to stir up some shit with the bad doktor blood whom I consider a Internet predator. No, I’ll never have a blog again, and certainly can see why you have left yours.Too bad really. Because it was enjoyable at one time.Take care…

OUT OF THE FISHBOWL

There's no place like home!!! But what if home is filled with ghosts and horrible memories? Or what if home is a safety net keeping a person from going out in the world and spreading their wings? We all tend to idealize things, especially when things are remembered through the eyes of a child, but for me, my younger years hold no such ideals. I left home many, many years ago because my only real choices were to leave and live or to stay and die.  I chose life! I really never wanted to return again and stayed away for over 20 years. After being out in the world, the more I saw and learned, the pain became dull and the wounds healed leaving minimal scars.  Home was just that and although it was far from being perfect, it definitely was one of the biggest factors of what has made me who I am today. 

When I left home, I immediately suffered from severe culture shock.  Moving from New England to the South was like moving to another planet.  Now many years later after blending into my environment here on The Redneck Riviera, I still feel like a fish out of water.  It seems I always gravitate towards people from the North....why? Some unknown, unnamed force draws me to them. It's not that I feel they are better in any way.  It just seems that the same roots that make me who I am seems to run in their blood also.  We share unspoken truths and common ground.  We share a common outlook on life for the most part.  Leaving home not only gave me a chance for survival, but it helped mend the wounds that would have never healed by staying. Distance  gave me a chance to develop a deep appreciation of the place I was born and raised and of the people who really are my kindred spirits. 

Comments:

William
DECEMBER 20, 2004 AT 6:42 AM EDIT
Know how you feel about transplantation and being out of place. I live in Missouri, and the family loves to go to Branson for vacation. It’s like Vegas, but with Jesus.