FORGIVENESS

As I step into this vast arena, the words of Socrates come to mind. "An unexamined life is not worth living." Today, I looked inside and discovered it takes a stronger person to forgive than it does to remain steadfast on my principles and beliefs. Anger, disappointment and fear are all very powerful negative feelings. More often than not, those negative feelings are created by someone close to us and designed to manipulate and control. Today, I learned how to be free and look past the negative feelings. The gamble isn't in loving, but in stepping outside the safety of the all the positive feelings and being able to choose a particular path based solely upon what my heart tells me to do. Doing that gave me an incredible sense of personal power and freedom. Today I learned love isn't about being right, but about being me. 

They say "to err is human and to forgive is divine." I guess that makes me extremely human and working towards divinity. Forgiving others is a cinch! I find what's hardest is to forgive myself, yet I truly believe it's okay to make mistakes as long as I learn from the mistakes I make. Without mistakes a person can never grow, learn and test the boundaries of life. Have I learned from my mistakes or will I repetitiously do the same stupid things? I think as I examine my life and the world around me within this blog, the answer to those questions will unfold. This journey may get a little bumpy along the way, so please fasten your seat belts and put your crash helmet on as a safety precaution. The air bags are functional and the driver hasn't lost anyone yet! Just follow the yellow brick road, but look out for the wicked witch!

Reposted and edited from Abnormally Normal People  12/05/2004

ARE YOU ABNORMALLY NORMAL?

Picture a person who stands apart from the crowd who sees things not in black or white, but in varying shades of gray.  Picture a person who closes their eyes and hears the beat of a different drummer, then marches proudly and eagerly away to do their own thing regardless of the consequences or popular opinion.  Picture a person who is not a polished gem, but a diamond in the rough...someone who believes true beauty is in the eyes of the beholder and that the best things in life are free.  When I picture that person, I see myself.  Who do you see? 

Put your thinking cap on and describe yourself! Be honest! Mildred is dusting off the cobwebs from the "abnorms"for another spin around the block. None of the old crew is still around, but the new crew is filled with so many great possibilities! Hop on the ship and take a seat, folks! The next stop is the "second star to the right and straight on ’til morning..."

Reposted and edited from Abnormally Normal People 12/23/2004 

A SIGN OF OUR TIMES

 

I want to know where this person learned how to read and/or if they had problems following directions as a child. 

Everyday along this side of this parking lot cars and trucks park this same way and it is clearly posted all along the railing that parking is for HEAD IN PARKING ONLY! 

The reason for this is the steep, immediate drop off on the otherside of the railing. This photo doesn't show it, but the railing has been badly dented in many spots from all the imbeciles who have failed to read the signs. They back into the parking spots and ram into the railing. Someday the railing is going to give way and they are going to end up in the doctor's office below. Hopefully, when that happens they have an appointment to be seen!

2005! 2005! 2005! 2005! 2005!

Over time I’ve come to the realization that I’ve possibly never been more than just a blip on anyone’s radar because I doubt any man has ever truly loved me.  No, this isn’t self-pity waving its flag in some horrific surrender. Perhaps it’s more aptly named self-realization and I blame no one other than myself for this happening throughout my lifetime. Who else can I blame? I certainly can’t blame someone else for not loving me. No, the fault lies with only me. It’s that ornery, independent streak in me that keeps decent men at bay. Oh yes, the ones that claim to have been attracted to me for my independent nature seem to only want to change me once they deem they have "captured" me. They feel I no longer need to be that way. Thus I should change or "tone it down" a little and become someone I no longer recognize as myself.  Of course, I've always strongly resisted and often become offended at the thought of relying on anyone when the intent wasn't to change me, but to help make my life easier or better. 

Is that how the game is played? Is that why I'm still alone? Do I not know how to compromise? Do I not know how to properly blend? Instead of allowing myself to need someone I push all decent, rational men away and invite the freaks and losers in like it’s open season at a Turkish bazaar. I get used and abused until there's nothing left. I can’t ever let myself feel or seem too vulnerable to a man who wants or needs a real relationship. What I do instead is make horrible choices that end in disaster that would make most people cringe in utter whatthefuckery.  

From an early age I convinced myself that the only men who would want me are ones who are severely damaged and broken to the point they can't be repaired. I never believed I was worthy of anything good or long lasting, so why would I ever look in that other neighborhood? I convinced myself that neighborhood was boring! I always went slumming on bad boy side of town. And then one day I totally gave up!!! I just stopped. I said no more! While extremely stimulating as it might be, relationships don’t thrive on insanity or neglect. So I said I’m not doing this any longer. That’s how it’s been ever since.  I've been in time out since 2005. Would I like to find someone? Absolutely! Do I trust my own judgment? Absolutely not! So, until I get a panel of fully qualified judges capable of selecting an appropriate significant other for me I guess I’m up the creek without a paddle. It’s me, myself and I! Wouldn’t it be nice if a good guy just would tell me to shut the fuck up and deal with it because he loves me? Ha! If it were only that simple! If only there were someone that brave!

I’ve been married twice and I would wager neither man could tell anyone when my birthday is, what my favorite color is, what my bra size is, what my favorite season of the year is and who my favorite author is.  That may be hard to believe but it’s true. In fact, I doubt they know much about me at all. This inner turmoil I feel now has finally allowed me to see something from another perspective than my own. Yes, it made me feel much smaller and insignificant but I can accept being smaller and less significant if it allows me to finally see the truth about myself because that’s where the true freedom lies. I can accept that role because sometimes we aren’t meant to play a lasting role in a person’s life.  

In the past I've referred to myself as an emotional cutter, someone who tears the scab off an old wound just so she can feel something…anything. I think my life has become so blah, so nothing that ripping that scab off is an act of final desperation to feel even if feeling is just to feel some old emotional pain.  Who does that? Why do that? Is feeling something that important? OMG! I'm so ashamed of myself!

Why not go for the gusto and feel happy for a change? Yes, for a change I think I’d like that, but I’m clueless and don’t know where to begin or how to begin. It seems like such a foreign concept that it makes me ashamed to admit that where love is concerned I’m a complete novice. Just the thought of the whole process scares the hell out of me.  But will I allow that fear to continue to paralyze me? I need to make some changes. I need to first make a commitment to myself before I can make one to anyone else.  The time is now to move forward into the future or be buried by the past.  Too many bones have weighed me down for too long! It’s time sling those bones aside and rejoin the land of the living. 

Okay, Mildred one foot in front of the other, Take baby steps if you have to, but damn it, move forward! It's way past time... It's time to hit one out of the park and make the crowds go wild or at least make yourself go wild with some real happiness for a change. Just keep telling yourself everyday when you wake up 2005! 2005! 2005! 2005! 2005! If that doesn't motivate you, nothing will.

I CAN STOP TIME BUT CAN TIME STOP ME?

“Time is an illusion.”
-- Albert Einstein --

Lately I've been giving a little more credence to things that have no reasonable explanation. For example, I have spent my entire life not being able to wear a watch made by any manufacturer. I even killed a Rolex! What happens is shortly after I put one on my wrist, it stops running. I have the same affect on ink pens if I hold them too long and if I use electronics for any length of time without a break they start screwing up and acting wonky. Believe it or not, I've had lights flicker when I've entered into rooms, but when you've had this sort of thing happen your entire life it becomes no big deal so you don't think much about it.  

I've just learned to live with the annoyance. For some reason clocks and watches have always bothered me. Watches I have have forsaken long ago because I simply can't wear them and clocks just seem to annoy me. In my younger years I never would have one in my living room because people seem to love to sit and watch a clock for some reason. I like for a person to feel as if when they come to visit me like they're off the clock for a few minutes! If they're constantly looking at the clock that's never going to happen.

Because I didn't have a clock hanging in my living room, people always assumed it was a great gift idea to buy me as a Christmas gift. One year I received clock from someone significant enough that I had to do something with the gift, but I really hated the thought of people coming to my house and sitting in my living room staring at the clock. So my solution to the problem was to hang the clock on the back of the bathroom door because I figured if anyone stayed long enough at my house they'd eventually make their way to my bathroom and they could check the time then. I can't tell you how many funny looks I got when people would come out from using my bathroom. Of course this was long before cell phones and now people can just endlessly look at them and ignore everything going on around them. There's really no need for watches or clocks or alarms anymore! I guess there's no need to personal interaction either.

My other clock that was a definite throwaway was a cat clock.  Because I love cats my closest friend bought me a clock that meowed on the hour every hour. OH NO! It did that for about a day before it got taken down and found its way to the nearest dumpster because it was so loud it lifted me out of my chair and woke me out of a sound sleep.  It sounded like a bunch of alley cats fighting and mating.  The cuckoo clock my mother brought me back from Europe had to go by the wayside also because it drove me crazy. 

I do, however, have a Dali melting clock on my bookcase in my living room that my daughter bought me several years ago. (I don't know if I have any batteries in it! lol) That's a keeper! I bought my mother a HUGE clock for the living room a few years before she passed away. I kept that, but just for sentimental reasons. If the power goes out and the time on the microwave and oven needs to be reset, it may be days or weeks before they get reset because I care so little about time. I used to be that way about calendars. It would drive my daughter's first husband, Steve crazy. He would ask her why I would do that because sometimes I wouldn't turn the pages on the calendar for 6 or more months. She'd laugh and tell him that's my mother! She hears the beat of a different drummer and her clock isn't always set to the correct time.

MY QUEST FOR GOD - PART II (REPOST)

The summer of bible camp was "The Summer of Love."  How ironic I thought, while others everywhere were tuning in, turning on and dropping out, I was trying to understand basic human nature and to find out if God really does exist. From a child's perspective, I grew up thinking if the people who claim they love me and want to protect me will hurt me, then what will the rest of the world do to me? That isn't actually the right stuff to guide a person into adulthood, but nonetheless it guided me into being clueless where romantic relationships are concerned. The "funny" thing about it is that I've gone through life waiting and wanting someone to prove me wrong, but to date no one has. My logic says since people are human and humans are flawed, anyone is bound to hurt/disappoint someone else, but on a deeper level...one still filled with idealism and good things that can't be destroyed by this cesspool called life, I choose to hold onto the belief that love is a good thing and in many situations is the only thing that keeps us afloat. So until love comes my way, I'll just stay in my canoe and hope I don't lose my paddles. 

After that summer when I fell short of receiving God's grace, I turned to trying to understand evil instead. When Anton LaVey's Satanic Bible was hot off the presses, I purchased one and read it from cover to cover hoping for a lightbulb moment. Needless to say, it was just another book filled with words written by man and it didn't explain the great mysteries of life any more than the Christian Bible had. My spiritual journey I suppose some would say was corrupted by my inability to believe what I couldn't see. Instead of blindly believing, I questioned EVERYTHING instead. If God loved us so much then why do bad things happen to good people? Where are the miracles? Why are there wars, famine and disease? No one seemed to be able to adequately answer these things through the Biblical verses they would throw my way. I needed more than meaningless words on a page to help me swallow anything I was told about God. I needed more than just empty written words to make God a reality.

Eventually my salvation was found in my experimentation with drugs. As that experimentation deepened, I found certain drugs had a numbing effect. That feeling was one my whole body craved.... especially my emotions. Nothing bothered me as long as I stayed high, so by the tender age of 14, I stayed high ALL the time. I could easily sit back and blame my choices on my genetic background. I'm sure the long line of alcoholism that runs on both sides of my family would be enough of reason to say I didn't stand a chance not to be a substance abuser. Yes, the odds were against me, yet somehow I know that's not why I changed the path I had walked as a small child. I didn't begin life as an addict. You see, I actively sought out finding something that would make me numb. It took me many years to realize that without drugs I would have been a much uglier statistic. I choose drugs to stay alive if that makes any sense. They didn't choose me. 

Looking back on it, I call the next 16 years of my life "my leap of faith". They say God looks out for fools and drunks, but I think He/She has a special fondness for all addicts. Addictions, whatever they may be, cause an emotional bankruptcy in the person. No love is greater than that of a person and their drug of choice. When I say "drug," I include food, sex, gambling, shopping, work or whatever it is a person uses to escape. All other things in life come second regardless of what we try to tell ourselves and everyone else who is in earshot. That moment, at the climax when nothing else matters, I found freedom from pain and a facade that made me think nothing could ever hurt me again. Many years later, when the truth stared me in the face daring me to look elsewhere, I realized the truth and only the truth would set me free.