30 TRUTHS IN 30 DAYS - DAY THREE

Truth #3: No matter how bad things can get at times, those times will pass. I truly believe that there are valuable lessons to be learned from those times if we open both our eyes and our hearts and reflect honestly on them. For one to find the true reason and worth in their life Socrates claims "an unexamined life is not worth living." As with the tides, our lives have highs and lows and we must flow with it or drown in its current. Socrates may be correct, but Sylvester the Cat calls his version of this lesson of "Brotherly Love": Survival of the Fittest!

A SILENT OVERGROWN PATH

By George, I think I have it all figured out! Now, all I have to do is figure out what to do with it... I have given great thought to what I lovingly call my serotonin–norepinephrine–dopamine crisis aka The Big D (depression). Socrates would be so proud of me for leaving no stone unturned in my continuing crusade to examine my life. Yes, after close scrutiny, I'm quite sure my brain has always lacked something that others seem to have. I've always wondered why someone who is highly intelligent doesn't function at a level that reflects their intelligence while others who appear to be quite dense rise to the top like cream. Sure, the lack of support and guidance early in my life probably didn't help, but others who have been products of dysfunction have overcome great obstacles to become successful and happy. So why haven't I? Am I lazy? Am I simply unmotivated?

 Anyone who knows me knows laziness isn't the culprit as reflected in my Wonder Woman status for much of my adult life. It always amused me whenever I heard, "Get Karen to do it. She can do anything!" Yes, Karen can do anything, but be successful and happy. My list of things I've started in life, yet never finished is so long it's mind boggling. That in itself would be a major cause for depression in most people. But unlike most people who have a fear of failure, I find failing to be a relatively easy thing to digest. For me, it's succeeding that throws me in a tizzy. Maybe it's confusing how someone can be labeled as Wonder Woman, yet feel like a failure. Sure, I can do anything, but I become bored and distracted easily and never feel as if I'm challenged for very long. Everything I've done in life to this point only seems like menial tasks to get by, when I know I'm capable of so much more. Okay, so why didn't I choose something that I felt challenged me? Ahhhhh, there it is! That's where the fear of success rears its ugly head. That's where the face of self-destruction comes into focus.

I've never found that one thing that feels like "home" my niche, that special place where I belong because I've always held myself back from exploring the possibilities by never allowing myself the luxury of completion or success. What an excellent way to punish ones self! And at this point I don't even know anymore why I feel punishment is necessary. The old demons appear to be dead, so is it just a lack of not knowing how to proceed or where to proceed from here? At this point is it habit more than anything else? I've always felt like I'm treading around in some murky mud puddle under a dark cloud awaiting impending doom, but I learned to build a convincing facade early in life. I became the class clown, the risk-taker, the first to do everything, the organizer, the one who questioned whether the sky is really blue. 

I always needed the feeling of being on the edge to feel alive. I needed to push all the boundaries and test all the limits except my own. All sensation I gathered were from external sources and never from within. Now, that I've distanced myself from the edge I feel a void in my life. I'm lost and feel as if I'm slowly spiraling down. The murky mud puddle is becoming increasingly more difficult to navigate. I think living on the edge was how I self-medicated to replace the lack of serotonin–norepinephrine–dopamine I possessed. I think engaging in risky behaviors and unhealthy relationships was my way of keeping the adrenaline pumping. It was my way of feeling normal because I've never had a clue as to what normal really is. Even the bad boys who were initially oh so delicious become predictable and boring after awhile. Now, everything has become predictable and boring and now... once where my demons treaded is a silent overgrown path. 

reposted from 10/24/2011

FORGIVENESS

As I step into this vast arena, the words of Socrates come to mind. "An unexamined life is not worth living." Today, I looked inside and discovered it takes a stronger person to forgive than it does to remain steadfast on my principles and beliefs. Anger, disappointment and fear are all very powerful negative feelings. More often than not, those negative feelings are created by someone close to us and designed to manipulate and control. Today, I learned how to be free and look past the negative feelings. The gamble isn't in loving, but in stepping outside the safety of the all the positive feelings and being able to choose a particular path based solely upon what my heart tells me to do. Doing that gave me an incredible sense of personal power and freedom. Today I learned love isn't about being right, but about being me. 

They say "to err is human and to forgive is divine." I guess that makes me extremely human and working towards divinity. Forgiving others is a cinch! I find what's hardest is to forgive myself, yet I truly believe it's okay to make mistakes as long as I learn from the mistakes I make. Without mistakes a person can never grow, learn and test the boundaries of life. Have I learned from my mistakes or will I repetitiously do the same stupid things? I think as I examine my life and the world around me within this blog, the answer to those questions will unfold. This journey may get a little bumpy along the way, so please fasten your seat belts and put your crash helmet on as a safety precaution. The air bags are functional and the driver hasn't lost anyone yet! Just follow the yellow brick road, but look out for the wicked witch!

Reposted and edited from Abnormally Normal People  12/05/2004

FORGIVENESS

As I step into this vast arena, the words of Socrates come to mind. "An unexamined life is not worth living." Today, I looked inside and discovered it takes a stronger person to forgive than it does to remain steadfast on my principles and beliefs. Anger, disappointment and fear are all very powerful negative feelings. More often than not, those negative feelings are created by someone close to us and designed to manipulate and control. Today, I learned how to be free and look past the negative feelings. The gamble isn't in loving, but in stepping outside the safety of the all the positive feelings and being able to choose a particular path based solely upon what my heart tells me to do. Doing that gave me an incredible sense of personal power and freedom. Today I learned love isn't about being right, but about being me. 

They say "to err is human and to forgive is divine." I guess that makes me extremely human and working towards divinity. Forgiving others is a cinch! I find what's hardest is to forgive myself, yet I truly believe it's okay to make mistakes as long as I learn from the mistakes I make. Without mistakes a person can never grow, learn and test the boundaries of life. Have I learned from my mistakes or will I repetitiously do the same stupid things? I think as I examine my life and the world around me within this blog, the answer to those questions will unfold. This journey may get a little bumpy along the way, so please fasten your seat belts and put your crash helmet on as a safety precaution. The air bags are functional and the driver hasn't lost anyone yet! Just follow the yellow brick road, but look out for the wicked witch!