100 Watt Lightbulb Moments

I was going to start this out with "I have a friend..." and that brought a huge smile to my face. Even though I've had a few light bulb moments in the past few days due to a couple friends of mine, the real friend here is me. I realized that I not only love myself, but I also like myself. This realization made me take the next step and see that I am worthy of love and happiness. As I spoke to one friend who is experiencing the initial jitters over starting a new relationship and seems to be questioning everything instead of just enjoying the giddy feeling she gets whenever she has contact with her new love interest, I realized how fortunate she is to have the opportunity to feel love again and wondered why it's much easier for us to feel bad things than it is to feel good things. 

I saw how potentially damaging the negative dialogue that we run over and over again in our heads really is. I felt frustration on her behalf as I tried to tell her that there is nothing to fear but fear itself and that fear is designed to destroy, divide and distract us from a path of happiness. Fear paralyzes and only allows the negative to filter through. Isn't it almost funny how clear things appear when others do it, but when it comes to our own behavior, somehow we can't seem to see what's right in front of us? 

We seem incapable of stepping into other people's shoes when it comes to seeing ourselves through someone else's eyes. All those endearing qualities that others admire in us, we make light of or completely overlook. Why do so many of us feel unworthy of love and happiness and feel we aren't good enough for someone? Why do we many times lack the courage to just go for it and see where the path takes us? What's wrong with just turning that negative dialogue off? 

I'm not talking about ignoring red flags. I'm talking about being able to stop selling ourselves short and to start seeing our own potential. I'm talking about believing we're good people...beautiful people who do deserve love and happiness no matter how old we are, where we come from or what health problems we may have! 

The second "friend" who perpetuated a light bulb moment did so by allowing me close enough to the truth to identify that the isolation she surrounds herself with is due to the abandonment she feels. I think she sees everyone she has ever loved and cared about as having moved on and left her. Death certainly is a cruel way of being left behind and as for the living, yes, we all are guilty of getting busy with our own lives and not seeing friends in need especially those friends who learn to suffer in silence. We all get wrapped up in our own little thing and forget how horrible that journey is for someone who transforms from being part of a group and belonging to something to the nothingness of becoming a hermit. 

Because I truly identify with how she feels, I know I will not give up on her. Because we have a relationship that spans an entire lifetime, the gaps it has experienced are gaps that now can be filled with things I was incapable of giving in my younger years. Because I am myself worthy of love and happiness, I am now capable of giving that part of me that I felt had to be protected and hidden away. I smile now knowing that part is the best part of me and that I can and will be a friend not only when it's easy but when it's needed most. Somehow I'll convince her that the fear of being asked, "what have you done with your life?" is something that can be met without hesitation or shame. 

Gratitude statement: As this new year gets underway, I'm grateful for feeling this past year has been a year of true growth. I hope the next year is filled with as much insight and wisdom AND MUCH LESS AGGRAVATION!

Gastroparesis Blues

They always say the older you get the wiser you get but in my case that doesn't hold true. One of the many things I struggle with having is gastroparesis. I have to be very careful what I consume because my digestive system is like some delicate Southern Belle on a tyrannical rampage or more accurately called a hissy fit. Because I'm a diabetic, one of the diabetic meds I'm taking is a med that is actually contraindicated for gastroparesis, but the doctors feel the benefits outweigh the negative effects.  When I have a severe gastroparesis flare I'm supposed to take a short holiday from the med, but I rarely do that because my blood sugar instantly goes out of whack if I stop taking the med even if it's just for a few days. 

I've worked so hard in the last several years to get my diabetes in control that I just would rather not chance seeing all my hard work go down the toilet so to speak. Several days ago, I stupidly ate a piece of steak. It's the first beef I've eaten in such a long time...it just looked and smelled so good when I was cooking it for everyone else that I had to taste it and there enters my stupidity...my downfall. I knew what was going to happen before the first piece of steak even touched my lips! Of course, I ate the whole piece! The steak sat in my stomach undigested for what seemed like forever and caused my digestive system some ungodly distress.  I ate cucumbers a few years ago and thought I was going to die for about a week. Needless to say, I haven't eaten cucumbers since then. I'll think twice before I eat steak again. A friend suggested I just chew the steak to get all the flavor out of it and then spit it out. Hey friend, have you ever met me? Hmmmm! Do I have that kind of self control? I'll answer that when I stop laughing. 

A Tribute To The Golden Years

Bankruptcy or Death?

My total prescriptions cost more than $100,000 per year. One prescription that I take by injection every 12 weeks is over $20,000 per shot. I often wonder what would become of me if I didn’t have insurance. Who out there struggles with out of pocket costs, copays and deductibles?

Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired?

I wish i woke up every now and then with just a fraction of the energy of a guy who found out he's not the father on The Jerry Springer Show.

Do You Feel Like You’ve Been Hit By A Truck?