COMMUNICATION BREAKDOWN

Communication breakdown, it's always the same
Havin' a nervous breakdown, drive me insane...

Hey wait!  That's the lyrics of a Led Zeppelin song and not what I intended to write here.  Oops! I'm sorry for clearly leading you down a road paved with good intentions and although I'd like to say it won't happen again, we all know Mildred does get side-tracked from time to time.  What I really had on my mind is discussing a communication faux pas we all are guilty of committing.   I know you're all thinking, "What about PET PEEVES #3? Does Mildred only have 2 pet peeves?"  The answer to that is...stayed tuned for the next PET PEEVES installment coming real soon!

It's a well known fact that men are from Mars and women are from Venus, but in today's world the communication breakdown goes much deeper than just between the sexes.  It's virtually everywhere! Most people are frequently caught up in the intention vs. consequences battle of the wits and are clueless when it comes to how to approach the recipient of their failed good intentions.  In an article written by Peter Bregman from Harvard Business Review he claims that intention vs. consequences is the root cause of so much interpersonal discord and I have to agree with him. 

Mr. Bregman states that "it's not the thought that counts or even the action that counts.  That's because the other person doesn't experience your thought or your action.  He or she experiences the consequences of your action."

Mr. Bregman goes on to explain that when you've done something that upsets someone-no matter who's right-always start the conversation by acknowledging how your actions affected the other person. Save the discussion about intentions for later.  Much later.  Maybe never.  Because in the end your intentions don't matter much.  He also points out that it doesn't matter if you feel the other person is justified in feeling the way he or she does. What a person should be striving for is understanding and not agreement.  Once understanding of the consequences is expressed, the need to justify intentions dissipates. 

What comes to mind after I read the article is something a sagely person told me many times in my misspent youth.  Each time I got defensive and tried to adamantly justify my (good) intentions, he would tell me "the road to Hell is paved with good intentions."  It took me many years to realize truer words were never spoken.  What I know now is paving any road with good intentions is never worth the effort.  What matters most isn't what you intended because let's face it life has a sneaky way of screwing up even the best laid plans.  In the long run what matters most is your ability to accept responsibility for your actions.  In doing that it somehow helps history from continually repeating itself. 

PET PEEVES #2 - CALL THE FASHION POLICE

I support anyone expressing who they are through fashion. Some people aren't afraid to make a fashion statement and develop a keen fashion sense that's bold and unique.  Those people aren't a cookie cutter version of the next person in a crowd.  Those are the people who truly get a tip of my hat and a standing ovation as well. 

But sometimes people carry their right to wear whatever they want to a little too far. It nauseates me when anyone exhibits absolutely no taste or self-respect by dressing like they have no brain cells or eyesight.  For example, when I see a woman wearing short shorts with the cheeks of her derrière hanging out and her love handles flapping to the wind for everyone to see, it makes me want to ask her if she owns a mirror.  Any size woman can look good by wearing clothes that flatter her figure, but ladies, COVER THAT STUFF UP!  It's not sexy!  It's not cool!  And it certainly doesn't look good!  Just because you have it doesn't mean you have to flaunt it.  No one wants to see your fat ass except maybe your boyfriend or your husband (or both)!  And if you're a friend or family member of someone who dresses that way, do them a HUGE favor and tell them they look horrible.  Here's a golden opportunity to be honest and to do the rest of the world a huge favor as well.

PET PEEVES #1 - ON THE ROAD

Even the most liberal, easy going, peace loving person has pet peeves. Unlike some people who exhibit road rage or go postal by shooting up a place killing a bunch of innocent people, my petty pet peeves aren't fuel for much more than a series of blog posts or a real life bitch session with my friends.  Yes, for the most part I'm an easy going, live and let live type of person.  I do, however, have a few pet peeves that not only ruffle my feathers at times, but sometimes have me scrambling for heartburn medicine and a muscle relaxer as well. 

I'll kick this series off by saying my sources of discontent aren't listed in any particular order.  I'll just write about them as they pop into my otherwise "kumbaya" mellow existence.  Although my most recent trip to North Carolina was enjoyable in so many ways, it also was a refresher course for several of my pet peeves.  While they're still fresh in my mind let me kick this series off with ranting about my drive from Florida to North Carolina and back again.

Like most people who are driving a long distance, I take the fastest route by traveling on the Interstates between point A and point B.  I have to admit I don't adhere to the speed limit and perhaps I could be categorized as having a lead foot at times, but I mainly drive about as fast as the flow of traffic...give or take 10 or 15 miles per hour. What makes me crazy is getting behind someone who can barely see over their steering wheel and who drives 30 miles per hour slower than everyone else on the Interstate.  Why are these people even on the Interstate and not on some secondary road if what they want to do is sight see?  If you drive like you have nowhere to go and have trouble putting pressure on the gas pedal, then I think your ass belongs on a bicycle or dog sled and not driving a car that's holding up holiday traffic.  My mother always gets a kick out of me ranting about F.O.P.'s (fucking old people) and kindly reminds me that I'll be one myself someday. I'm sure she's right...she usually is!

My second "on the road" pet peeve is the availability and cleanliness of rest stops.  Florida, Alabama, South Carolina and North Carolina have ample rest stops, but Georgia doesn't think people should have to urinate or stretch their legs in their state without getting off the Interstate and buying gas or food.  The rule of thumb where rest stops are concerned seems to be that the further North you travel the filthier the rest stops become.  Some states (Connecticut is the guiltiest, by far) should bulldoze their rest stops completely and replace them with a porta-potty and a spigot to wash your hands.  

Call me old fashion, but I think anyone who texts while driving is not only crazy, but is unsafe to be behind the wheel of a car.  I used to think the same thing about women who applied their make-up while driving, but I was accused of being jealous because I could never master that skill.  People have become so plugged into their electronic devices that they've forgotten how and when to act sensibly or how to be courteous when in the company of other people.  Is any text message really that important that it's worth putting people's lives at risk? Say what you will, but I think anyone driving should be focused on the road and not be playing Russian Roulette with their vehicle.  Driving is a privilege, not a right and maybe if the laws were changed to revoke a person's license if they're busted for texting while driving then more people might think before they reached for their cell phone.   LOL or :) really can wait for an more appropriate time. 

LOVE'S CURSE

I'm back from North Carolina and ready to roll with this week's Words For Wednesday.  This week's prompts are:

insinuate

method

reverse

pleasantries

donkey

darker

OR

the phrase, 'darkening shadows, deadly intentions' can be used.

 

 

Call me a donkey!

No, call me an ass!
Call me quite clueless
I’m a hard-headed lass.

You’ve smiled falsely
It’s love in reverse
Your method is madness
Your love is a curse.

As time has grown darker
My love has grown thin
Insinuate that the future
Will never begin.

Our pleasantries fall victim

Like leaves on a tree
In winter it’s barren
Lifeless and free.

The darkening shadows

Fall heavy below
Deadly intentions
Is something we know.

Love has departed

We lie crippled alone
We lie in life’s harvest
It’s what we call home.

TIME OUT IN THE SMOKY MOUNTAINS

I'm off to North Carolina for a week to check in on my favorite auntie.  Be back next weekend with new tales to tell. 

ODE TO SEETHING SAINTS AND SINGING SINNERS

Delores from Under The Porch Light  threw everyone for a loop with Words For Wednesday this week.  Instead of the usual format which includes using a list of words or a phrase or both if you're a glutton for punishment, she omitted the list of words and gave the participants three phrases to get their creative juices flowing.  After participating  for several weeks, I finally get it.  It really isn't about what a person posts or the amount of talent they exude.  It's all about the camaraderie.  Those of you who follow Mildred and read excerpts from her rather twisted life, know that flowery poetry isn't really Mildred's thing.  Well folks!  Guess what?  Mildred likes flowery poetry, just like she likes painting.  She may not be Robert Frost or van Gogh, but I think creativity isn't so much about the finished product as it is about the journey/process.  It's more about letting out what's buried deep inside.  If that surfaces in a cute poem or a landscape then I say, "let it flow...let those juices seep out and carry you to where you're supposed to go!"

If you'd like to participate, hop over to her Delores' blog and check it out!  You just might surprise yourself as much as I've surprised myself.  Plus the group is a comprised of people from all walks of life.  They are so creatively diverse and supportive of what everyone posts.  What a wonderful gift Delores created by bringing together people to share their worlds via written words.  Thank you  so much, Delores!

The prompt I used this week was the phrase, "giggles and fairy wings".  

Not only did I use this phrase in the poem I composed, but if you notice the first letter of the first word in each line also spells g-i-g-g-l-e-s-a-n-d-f-a-i-r-y-w-i-n-g-s.

Giggles and fairy wings
imagination sweetly sings
giggles and fairy wings
golden clouds and jeweled rings.

Lovestruck moments, lovestruck eyes
End with passion, end with strive
singing love songs so contrive
a kingdom withers, a kingdom thrives.

No iron maiden from above
dancing cherubs bring us love
floating lightly hand in glove
angels soaring like a dove.

Inscription reading, wordless gain
ride the lightning like a train
young at heart will remain
with each other no disdain.

Instant karma, instant winner
No food for love or for dinner
Gain in love or grow much thinner
Seething saints and singing sinners. 

MY TOP 25 LIGHTBULB MOMENTS

When I started blogging again in 2010 after a rather long absence from it, I did it to fulfill a therapy requirement given to me by my "yoyo inspector" (a term of endearment I had given my therapist).  One of the tools of therapy she wanted me to implement was to explore my inner self by keeping a daily journal.  The topic of each entry could be of my own choosing, but each entry had to end with a gratitude statement.  At times, I had to dig deep to find something that could be seen as gratitude on my part, but in doing so, I found an ingenious way to take negativity and gift wrap it with a big colorful bow. Suddenly even the most negative aspects of my life had a glimmer of light cast upon them. 

We all have moments when things just seem to click and suddenly make sense.  Here are a few things Mildred has learned about her relationship with herself, friends, family and lovers as she has stumbled down a rather bumpy garden path:

1) Someone who loves you will make time to be with you even when their schedule is so hectic and chaotic that they barely have time to take a shower.  

2) Someone who loves you will never treat you like you're an afterthought and will always attempt to include you in their plans whenever possible.

3) If you leave a voicemail or send an email or an occasional smoke signal, a considerate person responds. Silence can be interpreted in many ways, but in my book, silence is rude and neglectful. 

4) Plain and simple...any relationship does NOT thrive on neglect.

5) Intimacy starts to happen when two people open up and nurture each other. 

6) Relationships tend to grow and thrive as long as the relationship is a two way street! 

7) Relationships quickly dissipate and die as a result of constant drama, negativity and turmoil. 

8) Don't be a door mat! Hanging in there will only make you feel demeaned and used. Your feelings are worth more than that, so find someone who can and will love you as much as you love them. 

9) If gift giving occasions always come and go without even a simple acknowledgement (remember cards are relatively inexpensive) from the people who are most important to you, then they aren't deserving of your time, effort and hard-earned money. Why worry about finding "the perfect gift" for someone who always has some lame excuse as to why they can't reciprocate? As we've always been told, it really is the thought that counts! Obviously that jerk didn't get the same memo! Stop wasting your time and money!  Go buy yourself a gift for being smart!

10) Everyone has preferences!  If someone likes a tall partner and you're short unless you know how to get leg extensions, you should bow out gracefully.

11) Sometimes people stay in relationships with the wrong person for a lifetime because they're afraid of being alone. 

12) Being alone is much better than being with the wrong person. 

13) Actions speak louder than words and words can be pretty cheap at times. 

14) Some people are great at blowing smoke up people's backsides and weaving captivating dreams, but when it comes right down to it, those people are clueless when it comes to anything real and meaningful.   

15) People who love us will make our dreams come true...or at least they'll try to!

16) Open your eyes, read the signs and don’t overlook any red flags.

17) Trust your instincts and intuition.  

18) If you spend all your time wondering and questioning everything in a relationship, it's time to move on. 

19) Always accept people for who they are and not for who you want them to be.  

20) A real person will start the race and finish it being the same person. 

21) Remember a real person has flaws and imperfections!  Perfection might be alluring, but it doesn't exist.  A "perfect" person is hiding something!

22) Shutting the door and turning off the light might be a safe thing to do, but it's only going to hurt you in the long run. 

23) No one should live in a dark cave! 

24) The time to shut the door and turn off the light is when we die.  Until then, be brave and be willing to change the lightbulb occasionally.

25) All relationships are a work in progress and communication is one of the key ingredients to having a successful one.


Gratitude statement: Even though I may learn everything in life the hard way, I'm thankful that eventually even I see the light.

SOCIETY'S CHILD

So many things factor into forming who we are and how we view the world around us.  As a child I was never taught to judge people by their economic status or by the color of their skin.  Racial tensions ran high during my younger years, but those tensions just didn't seem to personally touch my life.  Sure, it was something I saw on TV and read about in books and magazines, but I didn't have to live it firsthand.  I simply grew up not understanding why some people hated others for what seemed to me like no valid reason and to this day, I still have problems understanding racism and bigotry. 

Maybe I was fortunate to grow up in a place where those horrible things didn't happen very often or if they did, I never had to witness them.  Maybe I was fortunate to be able to turn off listening whenever my grandfather loudly ranted and raved about Catholics and Jews instead of taking it to heart.  I always wondered what bug had crawled up his butt when he decided the Beatles were the cause of all the world's problems and no one from New Jersey should be able to drive a car.  Okay, maybe he got that one right!  [LOL] Archie Bunker had nothing on my grandfather. Put toe to toe, I think my grandfather could have taken Archie down.  And maybe most of all, I was fortunate to develop insulation to some things I saw as being immoral, unjust and just plain crazy.  I wanted to be free to develop my own brand of crazy and to think for myself. 

As a young teenager, I saw an interracial relationship develop within the group of people I hung around.  People couldn't be in Billie (Buz as we called him then) and Debbie's presence without noticing that they truly loved each other.  Because of them, I discovered love really is blind.  The heart doesn't see the color of a person's skin no more than the heart sees the color or length of a person's hair, their height or their weight and the size of their bank account. I secretly rooted for their relationship to not only withstand the normal relationship woes, but to continue to grow and develop into lasting relationship.  What I didn't see or understand were the problems they faced behind the scenes.  Sure, their friends were able to accept their relationship, but that wasn't the case with all the people in their lives.  I don't know the details of how or why they split up, but I witnessed a certain veil of sadness as a result of it.  They both moved on, got married and lived a life without each other. 

Now, flash forward many years later to a time after Debbie's husband died from complications due to diabetes and Billie's marriage ended around the same time.  Several years ago, they both exchanged wedding vows again, but this time it was with each other and they started living a life that was all, but a faded memory from years ago.  It just goes to show you that when two people belong together, fate will make it happen.  There's a greeting card that has always stuck with me. Each time true love prevails, I think of that card.  It simply says: Somehow...Someway...Somewhere...Someday...


 

WHAT IS LIFE?

Delores from Under The Porch Light created Words For Wednesday.  If you'd like to participate, hop over to her blog and check it out!

This week's prompt were:

essence, flippant, mercury, speeding, nonchalant, shadowed
or
"life smells like coffee and baby poop, fresh cut grass and gasoline"

 

What is life?

Life looks like noodles and cesspools, wild flowers and trampolines.
Life sounds like landslides and toilets, baby coos and tambourines.
Life smells like coffee and baby poop, fresh cut grass and gasoline.
Life tastes like water and bourbon, vegetables and jelly beans.
Life feels like laughter and crying, zip lining and quarantine.
But actually life is just another unforeseen guillotine!
Evergreen, never seen
Fresh cut grass and gasoline…

FOR EVERYTHING ELSE THERE'S DUCK TAPE

merijane muses is written by a "salty Maine chick" and encompasses her "musings on life's joys, heartbreaks & curveballs."  Her latest post, Forgive Yourself, Mama covers motherhood's trials and tribulations.  Merijane's outlook on life and subject matter is refreshingly honest and aimed at things most of us can relate to in our own lives.

The following is the comment I left in response to her heartfelt post and after rereading it,  I realized that my words to her is my own philosophy about life summed up in one short paragraph:

Too many of us never learn how to forgive ourselves for anything. It's as though we never hold ourselves to the same standards we have for everyone else. We don't expect perfection from anyone but the person staring back at us in the mirror. It's really sad we do that to ourselves...life would be so much easier and way more pleasant if we just exhaled and relaxed. It's okay to make mistakes as long as we learn from the mistakes we make. What I've found in life is that most things can be fixed with love and for everything else there's duck tape!