The Perfect Man

(A repost with some editing from long, long ago because I'm lazy today...)

I know there are far worse things in life than being alone.... like being with the wrong person. Maybe at this point in my life emerging from "my cave" with a checklist of wants and desires after a very long time-out and finding "the perfect man" is just too much trouble for what it's worth. Somewhere along the line my judgment where potential mates are concerned went way off the deep end, so I figured I'm better off tucked away in my cave with a Coke and a smile. Perhaps, fate will take care of the problem since I spend no time actively looking for "the perfect man." I guess he'll just have to come find me if he's really out there! :)

From my extensive chronicles as a single adult, I have found most (BUT not all) men I have met, dated and/or married or lived with fall into one or more of the following categories below:

1. Merv the Perv ---- Merv believes using feathers is great, but using the whole chicken is more erotic. Monogamy to this man is all about being faithful to each one of the many members of his very large harem only while spending time with each one of them before moving onto the next. He loves the internet, bars, parties and crowds and can be identified on the internet by some clearly exaggerated erotic name like "lovedoctor69" or "muffdiver4u" or by flitting about a party collecting phone numbers and copping a feel here and there. Check out the size of his friend list on whatever social network he uses and the extensive list of porn sites saved on his Favorites. That should indicate just how "into" you he really is. He clearly is trying to make up for what he lacks in real life and the size of his friend list is in direct correlation to how much of a legend he thinks he has become online.

2. Screwy Louie the Psycho Man ---- Louie needs psychiatric counseling and major drug therapy, but thinks he's nothing more than a case study for being well-adjusted and normal. He usually wallows in self-pity, abuses drugs and alcohol and claims he's a loser or an asshole whenever he's confronted about his problems. Do yourself a favor and believe him! On the internet and in real life, Louie is usually the instigator. He loves to fan the flames of controversy and anger and get things stirred up because the words "serenity" and "harmony" are not in his vocabulary. In real life, he's the guy who always has some major crisis happening and of course, none of his problems are ever his own fault.

3. Peter Pan ---- Peter lives in NeverNeverLand and emotionally never advanced past puberty. He still loves cartoons and goes nowhere without his PlayStation or some other favorite toy. When selecting a mate, he chooses the one best suited to take care of him. He has dreams, but is quite content to let them remain just dreams. Peter is the guy who falls in love with every woman who shows him any attention. On the internet, he's the one who'll send a rose to all the ladies on his favorite social network site in hopes someone will notice him. In real life, his child-like qualities are initially endearing until you figure out that his whole life is spent in "playtime".

4. Dudley Doright ---- Dudley believes all women need to be rescued because they are helpless, weak creatures. He's quick to offer his help, but if you look closer he has control issues disguised as being a nice guy. Look closer and you'll see a chauvinist lurking underneath. He'll fix your car, hang a ceiling fan and give you a crash course on football, just as long as you stay needy and dependent upon him. Never show Dudley you have a brain or opinions contrary to his. Ladies flutter your eyelashes and Dudley will be forever yours! This guy is the "go-to" guy on the internet. Got a computer problem? He's your man!

5. Jim Baker Revisited ---- Jim preaches religion and/or the Golden Rule, but lives by other standards which are self-centered and hedonistic. Look up "morally challenged" in the dictionary and you'll see a picture of this man next to the definition. Jim is an uninhibited party animal on Saturday night, but always gets right with God every Sunday morning. This guy is omnipotent, dominates everything especially relationships and is as much a predator as Merv the Perv is. On the internet or in real life, he's usually the "misunderstood" married man or ladies man just looking for a "friend" because he's in a loveless marriage or doesn't want any real involvement. He's a smooth talker and knows how to manipulate people into his way of thinking. Ladies beware!

6. Cinderfella ---- Cinderfella should never be confused with Dudley Doright. This man is the virtual handyman, also and will fix anything for you, but his motivation to do so is entirely different than Dudley's. This guy is a doormat and usually goes after the high maintenance women and plays the martyr role well. He's been used and abused by the best and is more than willing to share his sad story with you. This guy will bend over any stump you put in front of him just as long as you keep him busy and toss him a bone every now and then. He cleans up well, can be taken out in public, but don't expect him to be too stimulating as a mate. He's too busy kissing your ass and being pussy whipped to be anything more than a "yes" man.

7. Kevin the Chameleon ---- Kevin is whatever you need him to be and will change his colors to fit into any environment or situation. Of all the categories, this man is the most diverse and omnipotent. His objective is to gain control in any way he can and once he has control, you are his to do as he pleases... a mere puppet. This man is powerful and easily gathers people into his flock. See Hitler, Charles Manson or Jim Jones as an extreme example of being a 

8. Dr. Jekkyl/Mr. Hyde ---- Initially Dr. Jekkyl seems to be the picture of perfection until Mr. Hyde appears out of nowhere. This dynamic duo is very obvious once set into motion and can be seen as a good cop-bad cop routine, a very complex man of extremes. This roller coaster keeps their partner always guessing and never knowing quite what to expect. Moody and brooding on one hand and then turns playful and elated. The triggers are never apparent and this man, in many instances, can be emotionally and physically abusive. Of all the categories, this man is the most unpredictable and the most likely to be classified as an "emotional vampire".

9. Mr. Mom --- Mr. Mom is that strange fellow who looks and acts very much like a typical soccer mom, yet he's quite masculine. This guys does it all and does it well, except it's virtually impossible to start a relationship with this guy because his children ALWAYS come first even after they've grown up and left the nest. Be ware if he brings one or all of them on your first date! He's getting their feedback before taking it to the next level! If a relationship is established, the children will always be the buffer between you and Mr. Mom.

10. Billy Badboy --- Billy is sexy as hell, wild and carefree. He makes living on the edge look appealing enough to try it for awhile. Relationships and this type of man just don't mix well (like oil and water). Save this guy as a real treat when you're up for having an affair or just some good old cheap, sleazy sex. He's so good in bed you'll keep going back for more hoping each time he'll tone down the badboy act enough to want a relationship. It takes awhile to catch on that this guy is never going to change! He likes how being a badboy makes him feel. Nothing not even love can take its place.

11. Joe the Jock --- Joe comes in two styles: the actual jock and the wannabe jock (armchair quarterback). Both versions are totally obsessed with sports to the point of never having any free time for the women in their lives. Joe is usually married to a "football widow" and occasionally he lucks out and finds his ideal match in Cheryl the Cheerleader or Julie the Jock. Joe has his teams he remains so loyal to that you can always gauge how his team is doing by his daily demeanor and moods. Inside Joe's house is usually a shrine devoted to his teams and a special area for sports equipment and/or other sporting paraphernalia. Ladies, NEVER get sick or die on Superbowl Sunday or else you'll be doing it alone!

From experience, finding the ideal mate indicates to me that Murphy's Laws are alive and well and that the elusive perfect man is like the lush green grass growing on the other side of the fence! If you do happen to find him, just throw some weed and feed down a few times a year and leave the rest up to nature.