WHEN KARMA IS KIND

When a person gets to a certain point in their life making new friends and expanding their inner circle usually doesn't happen often. I have a handful of close friends that I've been through the trenches with at various times for various reasons who I would say know me better than anyone else. These people are my soul sisters...the sisters I never had in real life. Have I had close male friends? Of course! I still do, but until recently (within the last year) I've never met anyone who reached the "soul sister" status until this person. 

The connection I have made with this person is quite odd because first it came completely out of the blue for both of us. It's a bit on the serendipitous side. Neither of us sought it out. It just happened! The connection was instant and quite powerful...almost as if we were being drawn together by some unseen force. The funny part about it is that I don't feel a bit uncomfortable telling him personal things about myself because he doesn't judge me. I think he sees me for who I am and he thinks that person is okay. And I feel the same way about him. We both may be damaged people, but the pain we feel is shared pain. Somehow we've found comfort in knowing each other.

I've only had that type of acceptance from so few people in my life that it feels odd and mysterious at times, but I've grown not to question it, but to embrace it for what it is...a true gift. I hate to use this word because I'm not a religious person, but I feel blessed. I know things happen for a reason and sometimes we never find out those reasons...this may be one of those times where I'm just supposed to sit back and enjoy the ride and not over analyze it and pick it apart (that's a Virgo thing to do, by the way) If something jumps we have to know how far it jumped and why it jumped and if it'll jump again.

Years ago when I was in so much emotional pain, my ego had been completely destroyed when I left Texas as an empty shell. That's all I was. I was no more than one of the walking dead when I returned to Pensacola. Now 17 years later the universe seems to want to right itself by sending a kind, gentle voice from Texas to touch those painful places in me and help fade the scars that have held me prisoner and made me believe I'm not worth very much as a human being. How do you thank someone other than just by giving them a heartfelt thank you and by being there for them when they need you?  I often wonder if he has any idea what impact he has had on my overall psyche this past year. If not, I'm sure he'll get an inkling when he reads this blog post.

WHAT ARE MY OPTIONS NOW?

[This whole post goes hand in hand with today's song! The first part of this post is taken from a post written in 2006 where I'm discussing an ongoing game of cat and mouse played between The Wizzard and me that spans from 2004 to 2018. The end of the post I wrote this morning where as I have to admit that cat and mouse game never stopped until The Wizzard as I nicknamed him because he was such a great sailor took his last breath. He did his first solo sail from Rhode Island to Bermuda when he was 15. By the way, I intentionly spelled Wizzard with two z's.] 

At present, I am engaged in a rather odd ongoing rather lengthy game of cat and mouse. I'm usually up for anything challenging, risky and a bit unconventional. As a participant, I'm always confident of the outcome, yet in this case I haven't figured out who's the cat, who's the mouse and what the stakes are for playing this game. I do, however, know all things come with some sort of a pricetag, but this pricetag seems so elusive. Win or lose, I know my investment (perseverance, honesty and unconditional love) has not gone unnoticed and on some level are qualities that have kept me in this game. My mind reflects on the serenity prayer remembering the difference between the things I can and can not change, but I choose to change nothing and remain steadfast until the end. I'll roll the dice and see what happens.... I fear the extremes, yet crave them like a drug. As this subtle, unrehearsed, spontaneous dance continues, the issue of options seems like a worthy topic to hold my focus for awhile...What are my options? I'm told to make my own options and eventually I will. Eventually, when all is said and done, things will have happened just as they were supposed to happen.

Out of the blue, the conversation changes from idle chitchat about basically nothing to let's read between the lines and see who can be more stubborn.The Wizzard or Red Kitten?

Wizzard: What would you do with me?
Red Kitten: Huh?
Wizzard: I said, "What would you do with me?"
Red Kitten: Yes, I saw that
Wizzard: And?
Red Kitten: And if I have to do something with you, what are my options and I'll pick one...maybe two things.
Wizzard: Make your own options.
Red Kitten: Yeah right!
Wizzard: I asked, "What would you do with me?"
Wizzard: You get to name the options, what are ya skeered?
Red Kitten: You know nothing scares me.
Wizzard: So?
Wizzard: Afraid of laying it on the line?
Red Kitten: Okay...I'd pick a ride on your bike and a few laughs.
Wizzard: Sounds like a good time.
Red Kitten: I think you know me better than that...like I said, nothing scares me.
Red Kitten: Are you afraid to lay it on the line?
Wizzard: But that sounds like a good time, low risk.
Red Kitten: It sounds like a male thing to me.
Red Kitten: lol

This is where the Wizzard retreats until next time and although we maintained a lasting friendship he never was able to tell me what he wanted from me. Unfortunately, it became a stalmate because neither one of us would budge. Too many things had happened between us for his simple apologies to fix the problems or for his amazing charm to gloss over the pain I felt. He had crushed my ego and made me question my self-worth.

The damage had been done and there was no walking that back. My heart would never trust him again and as it seems many years later my heart hasn't been able to trust anyone since. We remained friends, but we never were lovers again. The Wizzard moved from Texas to North Carolina and wanted me to join him there, but I couldn't...I wouldn't. I wouldn't allow him back inside my head and my heart like that again.

The Wizzard died in 2018 and I never saw him before he died so we could say our good byes.  

I did however find out what the pricetag for this cat and mouse game we played with each other was...it was my heart!

What are my options now? It's to move on and stop beating myself up. It's to mend my self-worth in whatever way I can. What Tom did was cruel, but it's been just as cruel of me to have bought into it all this time. I know who I am. Yes, I have flaws and impefections. We all have flaws! Someone who is going to love me, will love the whole package, flaws and all. That person won't make me feel like less of a person for not being perfect.

BACK IN THE DAY...

I found a newspaper article awhile ago and honestly didn't know how I felt about it. Parents are children's first teachers and role models so if parents want their children to cuss like drunken sailors then I'm all for teaching children how to spell "fuck" right along with teaching them how to spell "cat" and "dog" correctly.  So if we want our young females to look and act like hoochie mommas/cum dumpsters then we (mothers) must set that example at home and other places. Why not have our young daughters wear make up, skin tight daisy dukes and low cut crop tops to school or better yet to church? Or how about let's teach our children that school is a place to get an education? A place that will only better their life in the future if they put in some time and effort into it and treat it with the respect it deserves. OMG! When did I drink the Kool-Aid? lol! Mildred is that really you?

Back in April, a school in Houston, Texas set a dress code for parents...yes, you read that right! I wrote "P-A-R-E-N-T-S". Please read the letter that was sent home to the parents and tell me what you think. Should schools have a dress code for both students and parents? Do the schools have a right to dictate what a parent can wear on school property? Or are dress codes a violation of a parent's 1st Amendment Right? What do you think? I know! People should know better! Parents should set a good example! Blah! Blah! Blah! But take a look around...do they really know better? You tell me????

A mother in Texas claims she wasn’t allowed to enroll her daughter in school because of the outfit she was wearing. KPRC reported that Joselyn Lewis was asked to leave Madison High School after wearing a T-shirt dress of Marilyn Monroe and a head scarf. Lewis said she recently pulled her daughter out of another school due to bullying and wanted to enroll her at Madison High.
“I wanted to see proof of where it says parents can come dressed a certain way, but it wouldn’t show me that. I wouldn’t leave, so they called the police department. They called them on me and I guess he was coming to tell me to leave, but I was already on the phone with the school board,” Lewis said.

(I don't mean to throw Ms. Lewis under the proverbial bus because I've seen mothers dressed much worse, but this is the photo that came with the article.)

I think back to a time when my mother wouldn't leave the house unless she was all decked out. When she moved to Florida, it took her a long time to get used to casual dressing and wearing shorts out in public. Now, whenever I go to Walmart I see people in pajamas and worse. They look like they rolled out of bed and I'm beginning to wonder if there's such a thing as "sleep driving" (similar to sleep walking) because they all seem to end up at Walmart. Follow your dreams to Walmart, but don't forget to bring your wallet!