30 TRUTHS IN 30 DAYS - DAY TWENTY

Truth #20:  One of my favorite quotes is by Carlos Castaneda. I find it to be extremely true and beneficial to anyone who cares to put some real work into their life. We all have times when we sink into despair and feel miserable. Some people prefer to remain in that wretched cesspool barely keeping their head above water because it becomes a comfortable, familiar place to exist. They find reasons to continually browbeat themselves and punish themselves so that their sorrow makes sense as if they have some harsh dues to pay. They reinforce every mistake they've ever made with negative internal dialogue until they believe there is nothing good in life left for them. No, we can't turn back the hands of time! Nobody gets a do over, but what we do get is a second chance at finding some happiness and with it some inner peace. Coming out of pure misery requires strength, courage and the belief that there is something better out there than sitting at the gates of Hell and being emotionally bankrupt waiting for our days here on Earth to wind down.  

SILENT FIGHT

Everywhere I look I see angry or depressed faces. It seems that over the years the child-like joy that accompanies Christmas gradually turns into frustration and despair. I think everyone knows Murphy's Laws are always on steroids during the month of December. We learn to expect the unexpected as our major appliances and cars have nervous breakdowns during the holiday season or some other major unforeseen expense rears its ugly head. Then add the hustle and bustle of the holiday season to an already crappy mood and what do you have? A grinch in training, of course! Does growing up and seeing Christmas no longer through the eyes of a child, but through the eyes of a frustrated shopper with limited funds turn the spirit of the season into dread? Does past memories of perhaps a death in the family or a break up taint the holiday season forever? Outwardly, we decorate and act festive, but what do we really feel on the inside? Is Christmas just a well disguised glittery nightmare or a merchant’s dream come true? Where does the true spirit of Christmas reside? In the church? In the home? In the heart? And when it’s found or if it's found, why doesn't it last all year long?

*Repost December 5, 2011

TO MILDRED FROM MILDRED

There are few absolutes in life. With the exception of birth, death and taxes everything else falls in a hazy gray area subject to loopholes, pitfalls and mediocrity. There is however one other thing I can say with 100% certainty about my life in general. No one should ever use my life as a model for sobriety. The road I've walked to get here has been an exhausting one. I did everything the Mildred Ratched method instead of doing them in a way that would have been faster, easier and with better results. Never being able to completely surrender has always been a huge problem for me. My inability to learn by other people's mistakes and having to do everything the hard way isn't due to any genetic mule-like tendency. My real problem stems from lack of trust. When a person is damaged at a young age, they spend their entire life either trying to heal or trying to run away... or both. 

Their futile attempts of trying to gain normalcy is like some slow emotional death sentence. Somehow they manage to prove ourselves right time after time by the unhealthy relationships they form and the tangled, drama-filled situations in which they become involved. The outcome is always the same...disaster, disappointment and despair. Throughout life I have learned how to skillfully navigate through failure, but never have learned the proper keys to success. As long as I manage to remove drama and negativity from my life, I'm able to stay afloat. As long as I isolate myself from having any intimate relationships involving love and sex, my thinking stays relatively unclouded. As long as I have virtually no life, I can live drug free. So what! So what if I can say "Hey, look at me. I stopped doing drugs!" My life absent of drugs is far from what anyone would call a life. Every fiber in me screams at anyone looking at my life for answers to look elsewhere. Anyone looking at me needs to quickly come to the conclusion that they need to do things the right way and not the Mildred Ratched method. They need to find a way to let go and trust others. They need to stick with it and know anything good in life requires great patience and extreme effort.  

So here I am 50 something years old and I'm wondering when the hell that happened. How have I managed to come so far, but never leave square one? The ugly truth is that I isolate myself just to stay sane, sober and safe. Surely, there could have, should have been some other way to get here, but Miss Mildred Mule picked the path of least resistance. She picked the path where all she had to do was do what she does best...listen to herself and no one else. Trust herself and no one else. In doing so, Mildred picked the path once again of self-destruction. Mildred's addiction without drugs is like a gun. She just keep loading her gun, placing it to her head and firing away. So far, her gun has shot blanks. So far all her gun has done is numb her to its horrors. So far, all her gun has done is kept her from living, from being able to succeed and be happy, from being able to accomplish anything that requires effort, focus and stamina. Pulling that trigger everyday is the easiest thing Mildred has ever done!

* reposted from November, 18, 2011

HELP!

I'm drowning in grief and my "g" keeps sticking on my keyboard. That's probably some kind of prophetic sign. Maybe it's time for a new laptop, but honestly I haven't been this broke since...well, I don't remember how long it's been. Times are hard for everyone. I sit here alone day after day. I don't even go outside anymore. My backyard is no longer my sanctuary. The birds must hate me because I no longer feed them. My dogs are my only solace...and my adult children, but they work and well, I just don't want them to worry about me. My stomach hurts and I have trouble sleeping. The fucking G is starting to piss me off! Too many things piss me off like the roof leaking and all the repairs that need to be done. I keep looking at everything that needs to be done, but I honestly don't have the energy or the motivation to do anything about anything and even if I did have the motivation, it wouldn't matter because I don't have the money. I just feel so overwhelmed because for the last twenty years I've spent takin (oh, fuck that "g") care of my parents and now, I have no purpose or direction. I feel totally lost and I don't know what to do. It scares me to feel this way.

I can't go out to my mother's art studio without crying. I don't know what I'm going to do with all her artwork. There's probably at least thousand paintings out there. Her bedroom needs to be cleaned out and I can't seem to even do that. And then there's the matter of business stuff I need to do...the will, getting the deed to the house transferred to my name, checking on why the life insurance has been so slow in paying the claim, etc. I just can't seem to do anything. All I do is sit here and watch the news and oh boy, that's going to cheer me up! 

I don't even have any words for the depths of the despair I feel towards what has happened to this country lately. For a moment I had a glimmer of hope and then it was all snuffed out. I never thought I'd see a sitting president damage our great nation in the ways that Donald Trump has damaged and divided it. 

I stopped going on Facebook...I guess loneliness has lured back to stay in touch with my friends and family. Desperation will make a person do strange things. So I hold my nose and I log on to that cesspool of hate and discontent. Usually, I don't post anything, but yesterday I couldn't help myself. Afterwards, I felt like I needed to take a shower! Below is what posted:

It really disheartens me by the amount of hate and division people seem willing to spread instead of trying to start to mend this great divide we have in our country. Why do people keep posting inflammatory things on their Facebook pages and then act wounded when someone challenges what they post? Look, if you don’t want controversy then don’t post controversy. Yes, you have a right to your opinion, but if you post something, don’t whine like a little girl if someone disagrees with you because everyone is entitled to their opinion and opinions vary. They always will!

Unfortunately, in these times people are going to lose friends because let’s face it...politics and religion are two controversial subjects and unless we learn to listen to one another with empathy and without bloodshed this country is in real jeopardy. I think each of us needs to give that some serious thought. We aren’t enemies. We’re Americans and we need to start acting like Americans. We need to come together and heal this country. Remember united we stand, divided we fall...and we WILL fall if we don’t get our act together. The solution to the problem will not be accomplished through violence or division!