The Perfect Man

(A repost with some editing from long, long ago because I'm lazy today...)

I know there are far worse things in life than being alone.... like being with the wrong person. Maybe at this point in my life emerging from "my cave" with a checklist of wants and desires after a very long time-out and finding "the perfect man" is just too much trouble for what it's worth. Somewhere along the line my judgment where potential mates are concerned went way off the deep end, so I figured I'm better off tucked away in my cave with a Coke and a smile. Perhaps, fate will take care of the problem since I spend no time actively looking for "the perfect man." I guess he'll just have to come find me if he's really out there! :)

From my extensive chronicles as a single adult, I have found most (BUT not all) men I have met, dated and/or married or lived with fall into one or more of the following categories below:

1. Merv the Perv ---- Merv believes using feathers is great, but using the whole chicken is more erotic. Monogamy to this man is all about being faithful to each one of the many members of his very large harem only while spending time with each one of them before moving onto the next. He loves the internet, bars, parties and crowds and can be identified on the internet by some clearly exaggerated erotic name like "lovedoctor69" or "muffdiver4u" or by flitting about a party collecting phone numbers and copping a feel here and there. Check out the size of his friend list on whatever social network he uses and the extensive list of porn sites saved on his Favorites. That should indicate just how "into" you he really is. He clearly is trying to make up for what he lacks in real life and the size of his friend list is in direct correlation to how much of a legend he thinks he has become online.

2. Screwy Louie the Psycho Man ---- Louie needs psychiatric counseling and major drug therapy, but thinks he's nothing more than a case study for being well-adjusted and normal. He usually wallows in self-pity, abuses drugs and alcohol and claims he's a loser or an asshole whenever he's confronted about his problems. Do yourself a favor and believe him! On the internet and in real life, Louie is usually the instigator. He loves to fan the flames of controversy and anger and get things stirred up because the words "serenity" and "harmony" are not in his vocabulary. In real life, he's the guy who always has some major crisis happening and of course, none of his problems are ever his own fault.

3. Peter Pan ---- Peter lives in NeverNeverLand and emotionally never advanced past puberty. He still loves cartoons and goes nowhere without his PlayStation or some other favorite toy. When selecting a mate, he chooses the one best suited to take care of him. He has dreams, but is quite content to let them remain just dreams. Peter is the guy who falls in love with every woman who shows him any attention. On the internet, he's the one who'll send a rose to all the ladies on his favorite social network site in hopes someone will notice him. In real life, his child-like qualities are initially endearing until you figure out that his whole life is spent in "playtime".

4. Dudley Doright ---- Dudley believes all women need to be rescued because they are helpless, weak creatures. He's quick to offer his help, but if you look closer he has control issues disguised as being a nice guy. Look closer and you'll see a chauvinist lurking underneath. He'll fix your car, hang a ceiling fan and give you a crash course on football, just as long as you stay needy and dependent upon him. Never show Dudley you have a brain or opinions contrary to his. Ladies flutter your eyelashes and Dudley will be forever yours! This guy is the "go-to" guy on the internet. Got a computer problem? He's your man!

5. Jim Baker Revisited ---- Jim preaches religion and/or the Golden Rule, but lives by other standards which are self-centered and hedonistic. Look up "morally challenged" in the dictionary and you'll see a picture of this man next to the definition. Jim is an uninhibited party animal on Saturday night, but always gets right with God every Sunday morning. This guy is omnipotent, dominates everything especially relationships and is as much a predator as Merv the Perv is. On the internet or in real life, he's usually the "misunderstood" married man or ladies man just looking for a "friend" because he's in a loveless marriage or doesn't want any real involvement. He's a smooth talker and knows how to manipulate people into his way of thinking. Ladies beware!

6. Cinderfella ---- Cinderfella should never be confused with Dudley Doright. This man is the virtual handyman, also and will fix anything for you, but his motivation to do so is entirely different than Dudley's. This guy is a doormat and usually goes after the high maintenance women and plays the martyr role well. He's been used and abused by the best and is more than willing to share his sad story with you. This guy will bend over any stump you put in front of him just as long as you keep him busy and toss him a bone every now and then. He cleans up well, can be taken out in public, but don't expect him to be too stimulating as a mate. He's too busy kissing your ass and being pussy whipped to be anything more than a "yes" man.

7. Kevin the Chameleon ---- Kevin is whatever you need him to be and will change his colors to fit into any environment or situation. Of all the categories, this man is the most diverse and omnipotent. His objective is to gain control in any way he can and once he has control, you are his to do as he pleases... a mere puppet. This man is powerful and easily gathers people into his flock. See Hitler, Charles Manson or Jim Jones as an extreme example of being a 

8. Dr. Jekkyl/Mr. Hyde ---- Initially Dr. Jekkyl seems to be the picture of perfection until Mr. Hyde appears out of nowhere. This dynamic duo is very obvious once set into motion and can be seen as a good cop-bad cop routine, a very complex man of extremes. This roller coaster keeps their partner always guessing and never knowing quite what to expect. Moody and brooding on one hand and then turns playful and elated. The triggers are never apparent and this man, in many instances, can be emotionally and physically abusive. Of all the categories, this man is the most unpredictable and the most likely to be classified as an "emotional vampire".

9. Mr. Mom --- Mr. Mom is that strange fellow who looks and acts very much like a typical soccer mom, yet he's quite masculine. This guys does it all and does it well, except it's virtually impossible to start a relationship with this guy because his children ALWAYS come first even after they've grown up and left the nest. Be ware if he brings one or all of them on your first date! He's getting their feedback before taking it to the next level! If a relationship is established, the children will always be the buffer between you and Mr. Mom.

10. Billy Badboy --- Billy is sexy as hell, wild and carefree. He makes living on the edge look appealing enough to try it for awhile. Relationships and this type of man just don't mix well (like oil and water). Save this guy as a real treat when you're up for having an affair or just some good old cheap, sleazy sex. He's so good in bed you'll keep going back for more hoping each time he'll tone down the badboy act enough to want a relationship. It takes awhile to catch on that this guy is never going to change! He likes how being a badboy makes him feel. Nothing not even love can take its place.

11. Joe the Jock --- Joe comes in two styles: the actual jock and the wannabe jock (armchair quarterback). Both versions are totally obsessed with sports to the point of never having any free time for the women in their lives. Joe is usually married to a "football widow" and occasionally he lucks out and finds his ideal match in Cheryl the Cheerleader or Julie the Jock. Joe has his teams he remains so loyal to that you can always gauge how his team is doing by his daily demeanor and moods. Inside Joe's house is usually a shrine devoted to his teams and a special area for sports equipment and/or other sporting paraphernalia. Ladies, NEVER get sick or die on Superbowl Sunday or else you'll be doing it alone!

From experience, finding the ideal mate indicates to me that Murphy's Laws are alive and well and that the elusive perfect man is like the lush green grass growing on the other side of the fence! If you do happen to find him, just throw some weed and feed down a few times a year and leave the rest up to nature.

And The Rockets Redglare...

Michael Morra aka Rockets Redglare had a personality that was larger than life itself. His mere presence filled any room he happened to enter. I met Mike many years ago before he was known as Rockets Redglare. We both had the good fortune to find our way to the same drug rehab center tucked away in the woods of Northern Maine. Our friendship formed when we discovered we had a very similar twisted sense of humor. He always called me his "Pig Sister" and he was my "Pig Brother." Somehow we extracted these terms of endearment from William Peter Blatty's, The Exorcist (the movie had yet to be made). Many people at the rehab role-played as cheap form of entertainment. We had to do something to keep our sanity or what was left of it by that time.

When I close my eyes, I can picture Mike strutting across the stage doing his rendition of Mick Jagger. The truly funny thing was that Mike did Mick Jagger better than Mick did himself. While Mike belted out Midnight Rambler, for a few minutes we, his captive audience were transported magically to someplace else...a magical place far from Kinsman Hall. Sometimes that was all we needed to get through another day. Thank you, Mike for those moments of joyful surrender. I was pleased when I find out Mike had gone on to act in several movies and was a stand-up comedian in the Lower East Side of New York City. The thought of that larger than life personality entertaining others seemed like a natural progression to me. Whether it was selling drugs or making people laugh, Mike was a natural at everything he did.

Like many friendships our friendship fell by the wayside. I don't think everyone who enters our lives is meant to go the distance. Knock! Knock! Who's there? And then they enter. They stay awhile sometimes making a lasting impression on our hearts and souls and then they leave us with memories to always cherish. Our lives had simply gone in different directions after we left rehab. For a short while, we stayed in touch and then silence. Pig Brother and Pig Sister were no more. Many years later, I watched a movie made about Mike's life. As the tears streamed down my face, I knew that we, the residents of Kinsman Hall who knew and loved Mike had gotten the best he had to give and all those years he spent after we knew him was a steady, tragic, downward spiral until Mike died from kidney and liver failure caused from a lifetime of drug and alcohol abuse.

Mike was a junkie before he was ever born. His mom was a fifteen-year-old addict who passed her addiction to her son while still in utero. They had to put methadone in his baby formula. Michael's father wasn’t any more of a positive influence than his mother. A career criminal, he was not afraid to conduct “business” (including murder) in front of his young son, and was eventually deported back to Italy after robbing a local post office. Left to support her family and a drug addiction, Mike's mother
turned to prostitution for income. Mike eventually left home when his mother took up with an abusive ex-boxer, who eventually beat her to death. After his mother died, Mike changed his name to Rockets Redglare. He was a true American original and was as bright as his new name...Rockets Redglare.

Many people in and around the New York City's drug culture believed Mike was the person who killed Nancy Spungen (girlfriend of Sid Vicious of the punk rock band, The Sex Pistols)  Mike was one of Sid and Nancy's local drug dealers who had been in the apartment the night Nancy was murdered while Sid was passed out elsewhere in the apartment. Whoever killed Nancy stabbed her once with Sid's knife and left her to bleed to death. The next morning, she was found dead. The roll of cash that was in the apartment the night before mysteriously turned up missing and suddenly Mike was out buying drinks for people, an act he never participated in doing before then. When asked by a close friend where he got the money, he admitted to stabbing Nancy and ripping off Sid.  Whether or not that was the truth, no one will ever know for sure because the truth died with Nancy, Sid and Rockets Redglare.  All else at this point is pure speculation. I'd like to believe my friend is innocent, but I know how drugs twist and deviate a person until they're unrecognizable.  I just hope wherever Mike's spirit is now, it rests in the peace he never knew in life.

TIPTOE NIMBLY

Occasionally, I attempt to do Words for Wednesday which started quite awhile ago and has been kept alive by many people. Each week new words are given to be used in whatever creative style speaks to you. I usually choose poetry [poorly written poetry], while others write short stories. When I do participate, I'm usually a day or two late. Sorry! So if this is something you'd like to try, check it out on Mumblings [the person who started Words for Wednesday] or on Drifting through life to get the weekly words. 

This weeks words are:
perfume, blanket, blue, market, voltage, feline
and/or
exotic, throttle, oven, comprehend, toss and trespass

Tiptoe nimbly past her exotic market of many delights
Ignore the NO TRESPASS sign and the flashing neon lights
A sleeping feline in a soft, silky blue blanket smiles
Knowing they smell the sweet, seductive perfume vials
Comprehend and toss humanity in that self-righteous oven

Voltage on! Throttle Up! Feel the heat of forbidden loving.
Tiptoe nimbly down the path, tiptoe nimbly beyond the signs
Tiptoe nimbly, always nimbly to where a smiling feline dines.

LIE TO ME

This week's song selection for Sing Along Saturday is Jonny Lang's Lie To Me. It's hard to believe Jonny Lang was only 15 when he recorded this amazing blues song. Remember to pump up the volume and to sing along like you mean it. Let me hear you rock the house!

Lie to Me

Jonny Lang

Lie to me
and tell me everything is all right
Lie to me
and tell me that you'll stay here tonight

Tell me that you'll never leave,
And I'll just try to make believe
That everything you tell me is true

Lie to me, go ahead and lie to me
Lie to me, go ahead and lie to me

Lie to me
it doesn't matter anymore
It could never be the way it was before
If I can't hold on to you
Leave me with something I can hold onto,
For just a little while won't you let me be

Anyone can see
That you love him more than me
But right now, baby, let me pretend
That our love will never end

Lie to me, go ahead and lie to me
Lie to me, go ahead and lie to me
Lie to me, go ahead and lie to me
Lie to me, go ahead and lie to me

Am I Being Too Snarky?

I just read a post on Facebook entitled These 9 Places in America Will Pay You to Move There.  I have to admit the title piqued my interest enough to check it out.

Here's Mildred's review of the 9 places, but please remember the following reviews are written by a transplanted Maineiac living on the Redneck Riviera with a HUGE attitude...that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it:

Tribune, Kansas - When Horace Greeley said "Go West, young man," was he smoking crack? Tribune has a population of less than 1000 people and after living in "Nub City," I think I'll pass on Tribune even though Dorothy Gail and Auntie Em hail from Kansas. I seriously doubt I could live in a state that was poisoned by the evil Minister Fred Phelps. Okay, I know he's dead now, but his followers are still lurking somewhere keeping the "God Hates Fags" philosophy alive and well. I don't wish harm on anyone, BUT one well placed tornado might show those idiots God's wrath for hate groups.

Marne, Iowa - They offer free land. Wow! Can you imagine how excited the 120 people who call Marne home are when someone accepts their generous offer. I wonder what people from Marne do for fun. Maybe they dream of moving to the big city of Tribune, Kansas. If you look carefully at the hay rolls in the picture, you'll see all 120 Marne citizens hiding behind them. The question is...what are they doing behind those hay rolls?

Curtis, Nebraska - Here's another booming metropolis having a population of less than 1000 people. If a frontier living fantasy is on your bucket list, this might be the perfect place for you to live. Just don't forget to bring your golf clubs so you can conquer Arrowhead Meadows Golf Course which claims to be "Nebraska's best kept secret" and beware of the cornfields and the children lurking within them.

Harmony, Minnesota - This town dubs itself as the "biggest little town in Southern Minnesota." Nearby attractions include Slim's Woodshed: Wood Carving Museum, the Amish Backroads Tour and Laura Ingalls Wilder Park and Museum. I don't think I need to comment any further on this town with an awesome name. If it's good enough for the Ingalls, then it should be good enough for anyone who likes reading by candlelight and tromping through the snow to use the outhouse. Okay, so they have indoor plumbing now and electricity, but obviously what they don't have is a booming population.

Baltimore, Maryland - This is a great place to live if you're a Ravens or an Orioles fan, but Baltimore's real claim to fame is being a "truly filthy, over-priced, crime-ridden hole." Want to join a gang? Baltimore is a great place to call home. Unless you plan on a career at John Hopkins Hospital or want to attend Artscape's free art festival each summer, I think you should stay where you live now. Okay, so Francis Scott Key wrote our hard to sing Star Spangled Banner at Fort McHenry in Baltimore and Edgar Allen Poe hung out there, but Baltimore these days is a truly filthy, over-priced, crime-ridden hole. And nothing says "home" quite like some well-placed filth.

New Haven, Connecticut - They offer up to $40,000 towards college tuition. At Yale, that'll just about cover your books (for a semester), but the view from East Point Park is guaranteed to blow your mind. Rumor has it that New Haven's Sugar Bakery has cupcakes so good you'll want to slap your mama. It may be difficult to ditch the pretentious snobs in New Haven, so when in Rome do as the Romans do! Be a snob and enjoy New England Ivy league style.

Alaska - I have to admit Alaska is pristine and just as majestic as you imagine it would be, BUT unless you like a place colder than a witch's tit, I'd stick to the lower 48. Alaska offers programs to encourage veterans and live-in caretakers of the physically or mentally disabled residents to move there. Wow! I didn't know goofy Sarah Palin is looking for a caretaker. Isn't she a little young to be suffering from dementia? I wonder what the job pays and what the benefits are. Maybe she'll take you wolf or elk hunting from a helicopter to sport kill animals or dazzle you with her quick wit and superior intellect. Remember, you can see Russia from Alaska and when Putin raises his ugly head you might be able to mistake him for a wolf or an elk. I hate when that happens!

Colorado - Now, you're talking! Legal wacky weed and the Rocky Mountains is definitely the way to go, but you have to have a permanent disability to qualify for their down payment assistance program. I wonder if insanity or being fugly (fucking ugly) qualifies as a permanent disability. Colorado might not be the place for you unless you're a sports enthusiast. If you love skiing, snowboarding, white water rafting, rock climbing and mountain biking Colorado is definitely the place to be. Everywhere you go is a Kodak moment, so if you're a hermit or don't enjoy being awed by scenery, don't move to Colorado.

Wyoming - This state might be the most peaceful place on Earth...low population, no honking cars or cursing pedestrians, but they have the highest rate of traffic fatalities in the country. Perhaps they should stick to riding horses. In Wyoming, you can leave your door unlocked and the keys in your car and not be murdered in your sleep and your car will still be where you parked it the next morning, but never leave your horse unattended! Are people really that wonderful in Wyoming? Here's a place where everyone is a cowboy or at least dresses like one and your children can ride to school on their horse. Hey, how backwards can Wyoming be? Jackson Pollock was born and raised there and look how he turned out.

A-S-S-H-O-L-E

Here's a catchy little number for your Saturday night enjoyment. It'll stick with you like a freshly picked booger. Let's all sing it together...are you ready? Here we go...a one and a two and a three...