30 TRUTHS IN 30 DAYS - DAY TWENTY-FOUR

Truth #24: I found a few quotes about depression I found fitting especially for this time of year since so many people seem to struggle with depression and anxiety during the holiday season. If you know anyone who battles these demons, please be mindful of them and reach out to that person. You may be that person's saving grace! 

Having anxiety and depression is like being scared and tired at the same time. It’s the fear of failure but no urge to be productive. It’s wanting friends but hating to socialize. It’s wanting to be alone but not wanting to be lonely. It’s caring about everything, then caring about nothing. It’s feeling everything at once, then feeling paralyzingly numb. 

A human being can survive almost anything as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it’s impossible to ever see the end.

It’s so difficult to describe depression to someone who’s never been there because it’s not sadness.

People think depression is sadness. That it’s crying and dressing in black, but people are wrong. Depression is the constant feeling of being numb. It’s being numb to emotions, being numb to life. You wake up in the morning just to go back to bed again.

You don’t understand depression until you can’t stand your own presence in an empty room.

If you feel everything intensely, ultimately, you feel nothing at all.

There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds. 

Depression is like a heavy blanket. It covers all of me, and it’s hard to get up. But there’s comfort in it too. I know who I am when I’m under it. 

I wanted to talk about it. Damn it. I wanted to scream. I wanted to yell. I wanted to shout about it. But all I could do was whisper, “I’m fine.”

Sometimes, all you can do is lie in bed and hope to fall asleep before you fall apart. 

Depression is living in a body that fights to survive, with a mind that tries to die.

It’s not always the tears that measure the pain. Sometimes it’s the smile we fake. 

I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy because they know what it’s like to feel absolutely worthless, and they don’t want anyone else to feel like that.

Are you struggling?

If you’re having a hard time, know that there are people out there who care! Reach out to a friend, family member, or seek out a mental health professional.

If you’re in crisis, here are a few resources to help:

If you live in the United States, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800- 273-TALK (800-273-8255). They have trained counselors available 24/7. Stop a Suicide Today is another helpful resource.

Befrienders Worldwide and the International Association for Suicide Prevention are two organizations that provide contact information for crisis centers outside of the United States.

MAGIC MUSHROOMS: FRIENDS OR FOES?

In this rather long article in Medical News Today treating depression and other mental health disorders like PTSD, anxiety and alcoholism by micodosing  psychedelic mushrooms and other psychedelic drugs is discussed in detail. If you or someone you know is considering this avenue of treatment, you might want to read this article.

PACE WITH GRACE

"Pace with grace" keeps going through my head on what seems like an infinite loop.  First, how does one pace with grace? Is there some specialized step to make it graceful or is it just a matter of attitude and like a person who struts their stuff, they can pace with grace like a fine sashay. Second, how do I get rid of this continuous loop? I'm afraid I'll replace it with something far worse.  Earlier in the week I couldn't get the song Big Yellow Taxi out of my head and now I'm pacing with grace...

I went to my yo yo inspector today (Wednesday) as a walk-in and I was pleasantly surprised that I didn't have to wait all day to see her, but I can't say I was satisfied with the outcome.  I definitely need to figure out what's triggering all this anxiety and then find some way to make it dissipate without the use of all these pharmaceuticals. 

So far I haven't been able to find some middle ground...either I take no meds and pace with grace or I take the meds I was prescribed to take and feel zonked all the time. My anxiety level drops, but all I want to do is isolate myself and sleep. My only hope is that my body will adjust to the meds after taking them for awhile and I won't be a zombie anymore.  How I want my mojo to come back like a welcomed old, trusted friend and for me not to be caught up on this anxiety merry go round.  

I completed my last painting on 5/25/16 and now, have no interest in painting again because all I want to do is sleep. I'm wondering if I'll go a whole year again without painting, without writing, without doing much of anything. I guess time will tell. It always does!

P.S. The loop is gone and the pacing has subsided, but all is much too quiet on the home front... 

WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDS

When I was younger I had no worries.  I did as I pleased when it pleased me.  I always thought I'd be one of those cool old hippies as I aged. It makes me smile thinking about being laid back with a live and let live philosophy.  I guess for the most part I fit that description, but last year something happened to me.  I can't really explain it because I don't understand it.  It's like something short-circuited and made me a little crazy.

I started having panic attacks and they got so frequent and debilitating that I had to be hospitalized.   I do know one thing and that's that I never want to go back there again. It's just not a warm, fuzzy place to hang your hat in a time of emotional need. So regardless, of how bad things may get, I'll find some solution that doesn't include being someplace where I feel like I'm one of the herd. While I was there, I didn't see any people get the help they needed because the atmosphere promoted "let's get the hell out of here as soon as possible" instead of "I need to stay here and fix what needs to be fixed.  And when you get right down to the reality of the situation the doctors and patients have no real say on the length of any given admission thus making it extremely difficult for any doctor to do their job. 

It's the insurance companies that dictate what care you get and how long you get it.  While I was there I talked to several other patients who were visibly upset with their doctor for discharging them when they didn't feel like they were ready to go home. The attitude they had bred distrust and contempt towards anyone who was there to help them. The huddled masses sat bitching about the doctor and what an ogre she was. She didn't listen and didn't care...blah, blah, blah. I could see how detrimental that way of thinking was and like the stand up kind of person I am I started talking to the people who were upset and explained it wasn't their doctor who was making the decisions it was the insurance companies.  Once I explained how insurance works (I was a insurance billing specialist for several years) and that regardless of what you get admitted to the hospital for the insurance companies set how many days you can stay for that thing. Insurance companies don't see you as an individual, but as a bottom line and they want to pay the least amount for your health care they possibly can.

It's the reason so many people turn around and come right back to the hospital. Gall bladder removal? It's an outpatient procedure now...you go home the same day as the surgery regardless of how you feel. Now, you may have to turn around and go to the ER later that day because you have developed a complication.  With mental health issues, it's worse... Try to imagine someone who really isn't ready to go home because they're in the throes of a major depressive episode. They must feel helpless being forced to go back to the same surroundings that many times is unhealthy and lacks a support system for the person. Fragile people don't do well without structure and support.  For them, it's easy to turn their frustration and anger on the doctor...after all, it makes sense. The doctor doesn't care. Right? The doctor and the nurses are easy targets!

So that person with depression is started on an antidepressant and probably an antianxiety med as well just for good measure, but the kicker is that the meds don't start working for 4 to 6 weeks after starting them. What's that person supposed to do in the meantime? Twiddle their thumbs and sing Kumbaya? Nope...go home and tough it out. Just remember not to get too vocal or else you'll land up in a locked room on suicide watch. The key to success is to stay calm and learn the ropes so you don't rock the boat.

After my explanation of what insurance companies can and can't do, it diffused a lot of pent up anger.  I brought the matter up in the next group everyone attended and the response was great.  I could see the frustration start to melt away as people gained a realistic understanding about how the system worked and that they didn't have to be mad at their doctor.  I was as bold to suggest that the social worker incorporate this topic into other groups in the future because many people don't understand how the system works and it stresses them out.  They assume everyone is against them and it's rather difficult trying to reach someone who has built a wall for protection.  I'm sure my suggestion never went any further, but it felt good to help a few people. Hopefully, they'll be in the position someday to pay it forward and help someone else.

P.S. Writing helps even though I tend to ramble at times...

THE BEAST WITHIN ME

As this year winds down, it's time for me to reflect on the things that affect my life the most.  In the past several years, my health issues have worsened, but I think I've finally gotten to the point of being so sick and tired of being sick and tired that it's time for me to dig down deep and grab whatever stamina I have left and try to save this slowly sinking ship.  2014 has got to be a year of change! Great things have got to happen!

Here's a list of my current health problems:

1. Insulin dependent Type ll Diabetes - uncontrolled, of course!  No doctor in the past 11 years

since I was diagnosed has been able to get my A1C in a normal range.  Trust me, EVERYTHING has been tried and it remains a mystery as to why my diabetes is so tenacious.  I wonder if it might have a genetic factor to it since my paternal grandmother had the same type of tenacity with treating her diabetes.  As an added bonus of my uncontrolled diabetes I developed diabetic neuropathy in my feet.  The burning sensation and stabbing pain is so bad at times it makes me want to cry.  Standing on my feet during these bouts is challenging and very painful.  Recently, I was put on Lyrica and that initially helped with easing the neuropathic pain in my feet and also with the "all over" pain I experience from fibromyalgia I was diagnosed as having about a decade ago.  My other diabetic related health problem is gastroparesis. Gastroparesis is another fun diabetic complication!  Food sits undigested in my stomach for long periods of time due to damaged nerves in my stomach.  It's hard to describe how good food tastes when it goes down and how putrid it is after sitting in my stomach for a day or so.  This condition causes pain in my upper gastric tract.  Needless to say, I eat A LOT of cottage cheese and applesauce which is easy to digest.  I do feel thankful that I haven't developed anything more serious as a result of my uncontrolled diabetes and hope my upcoming endocrinologist appointment will be a start to finding a solution to these problems. 

 

2. Pain - I'm lumping all my various spinal related issues into one large category called "PAIN".   In 2003, I had 2 disks in my neck fused.  At that time, I was told I had the neck of a 94 year old woman and was told I had several things going on with my back and neck.  After that surgery, I swore I'd never have another surgery because the recovery was so difficult.  "Never" lasted 9 years.  By the time I had my second neck surgery, I couldn't raise my head to eye level without it causing my arms to go completely numb.  It was next to impossible to function without the use of my arms and I knew the longer I put off surgery the more permanent the nerve damage was going to be, so it was back to the neurosurgeon to have 2 more disks fused.  From September 2012 to June 2013, a nine month period I had 3 back surgeries.  My neurosurgeon claims there isn't anything else he can do for me, so basically, I'm supposed to just grin and bear it but grinning and bearing it consists of days where I can barely walk or stand up straight due to the intense pain.  I have severe headaches from the muscles in my neck and back tightening and causing horrific muscle spasms, nausea and blurred vision.  I know I need to go get a second opinion, but I'm really afraid to do that.  I keep asking myself what I'm afraid of and I don't know if it's that someone will agree that there's nothing else that can be done for me or if someone will say I need more surgery.  Of course, I see a pain management specialist, but all that means is getting combos of potent narcotics to take.  I so hate doing that, but am forced to take the pain meds when I can't function any other way.  In 2009, I went off ALL my pain meds cold turkey because I wasn't getting the relief from them I should have been getting.  It was insane to keep filling my body with meds that were doing more harm than good.  Withdrawal took about a month of pure hell. Now 4 years later, I'm right back there again and the doctor wants to try me on what I call the "Dear Jesus" patch (Duragesic)  or Methadone because everything else I take or have taken just doesn't work.   I'm not sure how I feel about taking this next step.  I'll mull it over in the next couple of weeks before my next appointment with him and make some sort of decision. 

3.  Autoimmune hepatitis - The 3 most common autoimmune diseases are lupus, rheumatoid arthritis and Crohn's disease.  Apparently my body has decided it doesn't like my liver anymore.  Isn't that special?  Too bad it didn't decide to dislike the fat on my stomach and hips instead!  After having a complete work up (CT of the abdomen, abdominal ultrasound, labwork, etc.) followed by a liver biopsy, my doctor thought it was best that I go to Oschner's Clinic in New Orleans.  It's the closest transplant facility to where I live.  He felt it was a good idea for me to get in their system in case at some future date I need their services.  The following is a short rundown on what an autoimmune disease is if you're not familiar with it.

Our bodies have an immune system, which is a complex network of special cells and organs that defends the body from germs and other foreign invaders. At the core of the immune system is the ability to tell the difference between self and nonself: what's you and what's foreign. A flaw can make the body unable to tell the difference between self and nonself. When this happens, the body makes autoantibodies that attack normal cells by mistake. At the same time special cells called regulatory T cells fail to do their job of keeping the immune system in line. The result is a misguided attack on your own body. This causes the damage we know as autoimmune disease. The body parts that are affected depend on the type of autoimmune disease.

4. Sleep apnea -  Controlled with the use of a CPAP machine. This one I got scared into doing because my O2 stats had dropped to 73% while sleeping (anything under 90% is considered respiratory distress) and I had stopped breathing over 150 times per hour determined by a sleep study, but the good news was that I had also started breathing again over 150 times.  When the doctor reviewed the results of my sleep study, he was amazed that I hadn't had a stroke or a heart attack in my sleep.  That night I started using my CPAP machine and have used it every night since then.  I am a believer!

5. All the other "lesser" stuff - high blood pressure (controlled by meds), high cholesterol (controlled by meds), Vitamin D deficiency (in the process of being controlled by meds), GERD (controlled by meds), chronic insomnia (uncontrolled, but I do take Trazodone and it works sometimes), adult onset asthma (controlled by meds PRN)  I'm sure I've missed something, but quite frankly, my dear...I don't give a damn right now!  I'm off to take a nap because all of a sudden I desperately need one.

Update 2/19/14: I've been on 2 more rounds of 3 months of Vitamin D therapy but my lab values refuse to improve.  I have an appointment with an endocrinologist to address that and my diabetes.  I think I'm falling apart!

6. Depression and anxiety - This is something I've been in denial about for such a long time, but it's the silent, dark horse I ride.  I isolate myself so I don't have to be around people because I don't want them to see me suffer, but isolating myself is the worse thing I can do.  I know depression makes all ailments feel worse, but to treat it means taking more drugs and many of those drugs cause weigh gain and any weight gain makes my diabetes worse.  It's a vicious circle that seems to have no jumping off point.  I no longer know how to help myself.  At this point I don't know if there is any real help.