They say hindsight is 20/20, but I have to admit I often wonder who "they" are and why aren't "they" out actively trying to educate dumb asses like me. "They" seem to be the ones that always jump in first to tell me "I told you so" whenever I make a huge boo-boo even when "they" never really gave me any warnings in the first place. I can't say that my mother telling me things like "it's as easy to love a rich man as it is a poor man" are the lessons in love I needed as a young girl. What I needed most was to be told I was beautiful, intelligent and capable to doing anything I wanted to do.
At the ripe old age of 58 I had an epiphany the other day. I've spent my whole live thinking I actually preferred 'bad boys" to the nice guys of the world. I thought living dangerously and on the edge chasing after men with commitment issues and little respect or regard for any female was what got and kept my juices flowing. Yes, I've questioned my preferences many times and have wondered why I've always equated nice guys as being boring. My choices throughout life have deeply frustrated me because none of them have led to lasting happiness or a stable relationship. So at 58, after being totally celibate and without any sort of relationship with a man for 9 years I've come to a rather startling conclusion. I've always joking told people that sex causes brain damage. Okay, maybe it wasn't totally a joke because it seems when two people throw sex into a relationship all clarity and common sense leaps out the window...or at least it does in my case. Nine years ago I finally had enough of the rollercoaster ride and put myself in time out.
When the light bulb finally turned on, it made the situation look entirely different to me. I never really connected the dots so I could look at a complete picture. Now, looking back I can say that my twisted view of what intimate relationships should be like and the kind of man in which I could enjoy lasting happiness with makes total sense to me. I've spent my entire life chasing after anything and everything that would validate my powerful sense of not being worthy of love and happiness. It's was always easy for me to believe I didn't deserve a good life and finding people willing and able to prove that point was always a very easy thing to do. Many people might wonder why anyone would feel unworthy of love and happiness or why anyone would spend a lifetime doing anything that resembles a dog chasing its tail. It's a complicated issue that dates back as far as I can remember. For me, maybe it would have been more evident and easier to see if my "break" happened later in life. For me, that destructive feeling was incorporated into my being at a very young age. It's just the way it was. It's just who I grew up being. It's not something I ever questioned because I grew up with the attitude "if the people who love me will hurt me then what's the rest of the world going to do to me?" With that attitude it's easy to see why I always felt like I was continually swimming upstream against the current.
I grew up with little self worth. I held all my pain very close and rarely showed it to anyone. When I did, it was just a glimpse. I grew up with no expectations of the future or visions of that house with a white picket fence. I grew up feeling that fleeting mind blowing sex was a good trade off for a stable life with someone who loved me. I never knew anyone could have both, so I stuck with the bad boys who seemed more than happy to scratch my insatiable itch. I grew up numbing my pain with drugs and thinking promiscuity was okay. Many times I would say, 'it's a hard job and someone has to do it." It's sad that I cared so little for myself, but what's sadder is that I believed no one else cared what happened to me either. The giving of myself to another person never held the same value to me as it did to others. I didn't feel anything about me was really worth anyone's time or effort, so for me, intimacy was a twisted maze in which I became deliriously lost.
I know now nice guys aren't boring. Nice guys are just that and being nice isn't the kiss of death everyone always claimed it was. The problem is that at 58 I'm way behind the curve and I don't know if I'm really interested in jumping back in the pond in search of the right frog to kiss. I'm definitely not afraid of making mistakes because I've spent a lifetime being well-acquainted with doing just that. I can't say exactly what the problem is...maybe just fear of the unknown or maybe it's as simple as I've run out of steam. I can say this...I am open to the possibilities if one ever presents itself to me, but I doubt I'll ever actively go out looking for love. Being alone isn't the worst thing in life and it's much easier to deal with than always being with the wrong person in a relationship filled with nothing, but fruitless drama.
The past week has been hard for me. The lightbulb has gone off several times and I've found myself saying, "WOW! an epiphany!".
What's strange about these lightbulb moments are that they have come at odd times when I wasn't really engaged in deep thought. It's almost as though some stuff I've kept stuffed down for so long is surfacing because it has no place else to go, but up. These moments are allowing me to see me in a different light.
I think the strangest of the epiphanies is the one concerning sex. Since a very young age I've looked at sex through hedonistic eyes. At times, I've been very promiscuous, but I've never felt bad about being sexually uninhibited. For the last 5 years I've been in self-imposed "time-out." Okay, that time-out came as a result of a broken heart, but nonetheless it has given me time to distance myself from something I always felt clouded my judgment. In my case, sex makes me brain dead. The more I have, the more comfortably numb I become. Sex has completely destroyed my judgment skills and has left me morally bankrupt. Now throw drugs into that mix and yourself have free-spirited, pleasure-seeking junkie!
Can I link my bad behavior to any particular cause? You betcha! But instead of feeling angry, I feel sadness. I feel sadness for all the time I truly wasted on cheap, sleazy sex and thrill-seeking scumbags. I feel regret for all the "nice" men I've known and have never given a chance because they weren't Billy Badass. I always believed nice=boring and for me nice just didn't get it done. Masturbation was more stimulating than sex with a nice man. I can't tell you how many first dinner dates I sat engrossed in pleasant conversation with a perfectly nice man while my head is screaming, "NOT IN THIS FUCKING LIFETIME" as I tried imagining my long legs wrapped around my dinner date doing unmentionable things with them.
What disheartens me the most is realizing that my most memorable personal accomplishment is having a lifetime filled with being self-destructive. Oh, but instead of getting the job done all at once, I felt I deserved a lifetime of being dragged slowly over the coals to kill myself a little at a time. Now, I'm trying hard to find ways to break that cycle. For someone who has always acted on impulse, it's difficult to leap cautiously back into life and then stop myself to ask questions first before I do anything.
Do I really want to do this? Is this the right thing to do? How will it effect me? Those are basic questions that most people have been asking themselves all their life, but those questions are a major thing for me! Being "normal" is overwhelming to say the least! I really didn't realize how far down into the pit I've fallen until I started trying to climb out. Hopefully, what hasn't killed me will only make me stronger. Hopefully, as I peel away the layers of semen-laced crud, I'll see the person others see. And hopefully, as I climb my way out into daylight, I'll be able to forgive myself as easily as I have forgiven others who have caused me pain.
Gratitude statement: I'm thankful for having 20/20 hindsight.
