What's strange about these lightbulb moments are that they have come at odd times when I wasn't really engaged in deep thought. It's almost as though some stuff I've kept stuffed down for so long is surfacing because it has no place else to go, but up. These moments are allowing me to see me in a different light.
I think the strangest of the epiphanies is the one concerning sex. Since a very young age I've looked at sex through hedonistic eyes. At times, I've been very promiscuous, but I've never felt bad about being sexually uninhibited. For the last 5 years I've been in self-imposed "time-out." Okay, that time-out came as a result of a broken heart, but nonetheless it has given me time to distance myself from something I always felt clouded my judgment. In my case, sex makes me brain dead. The more I have, the more comfortably numb I become. Sex has completely destroyed my judgment skills and has left me morally bankrupt. Now throw drugs into that mix and yourself have free-spirited, pleasure-seeking junkie!
Can I link my bad behavior to any particular cause? You betcha! But instead of feeling angry, I feel sadness. I feel sadness for all the time I truly wasted on cheap, sleazy sex and thrill-seeking scumbags. I feel regret for all the "nice" men I've known and have never given a chance because they weren't Billy Badass. I always believed nice=boring and for me nice just didn't get it done. Masturbation was more stimulating than sex with a nice man. I can't tell you how many first dinner dates I sat engrossed in pleasant conversation with a perfectly nice man while my head is screaming, "NOT IN THIS FUCKING LIFETIME" as I tried imagining my long legs wrapped around my dinner date doing unmentionable things with them.
What disheartens me the most is realizing that my most memorable personal accomplishment is having a lifetime filled with being self-destructive. Oh, but instead of getting the job done all at once, I felt I deserved a lifetime of being dragged slowly over the coals to kill myself a little at a time. Now, I'm trying hard to find ways to break that cycle. For someone who has always acted on impulse, it's difficult to leap cautiously back into life and then stop myself to ask questions first before I do anything.
Do I really want to do this? Is this the right thing to do? How will it effect me? Those are basic questions that most people have been asking themselves all their life, but those questions are a major thing for me! Being "normal" is overwhelming to say the least! I really didn't realize how far down into the pit I've fallen until I started trying to climb out. Hopefully, what hasn't killed me will only make me stronger. Hopefully, as I peel away the layers of semen-laced crud, I'll see the person others see. And hopefully, as I climb my way out into daylight, I'll be able to forgive myself as easily as I have forgiven others who have caused me pain.
Gratitude statement: I'm thankful for having 20/20 hindsight.
wow. semen-laced crud. my heart be still.
ReplyDeleteseriously. trite as it may seem, don't forget to include your children in this recipe. they are the icing.
ReplyDeleteregrets? yeah, we've had a few, but you and I both know it made us who we are...and if nothing else, we're survivors. that accounts for a lot in my book.
funny you talk about the nice guy situation though. my stepdaughter has spent too many years playing with the bad ones...only to realize that the nice ones would have been a much better choice. it seems to be more prevalent than i thought.
That's the type of crud you have to chisel away because when it hardens it sticks with you.
ReplyDeleteI do factor my children into this mix and trust me, I am thankful none of them are screwed like I am, but I was speaking of personal (just me) accomplishents. "Being a survivor" while yes it has kept me alive hasn't done anything more than that and I want more now.
Hold on to your shorts for this newsflash..I actually accepted a date with a nice guy yesterday when he asked me out. I made myself promise that I wouldn't do my usual and that I would behave myself on our first date.
and the earth didn't open up and swallow you?
ReplyDeleteI understand you wanting more. According to some, it's never too late.
Jnuts, I held my breath and waited, but the earth didn't rumble and the holy water didn't boil, so I think I'm in the clear for now.
ReplyDeleteGood God, once again.. you write the words I was forming to write on my page. The 2 differences.. I have short legs. The other, I found the principle in Buddhism is conscience awareness.. meaning... you rely on yourself to make the right decision, not on your overwhelming urge to fuck someone behind the dumpster after dinner...sigh..
ReplyDeleteI prefer my dumpster fucking in the morning!
ReplyDelete