Can I Get An Amen?

 

100 Watt Lightbulb Moments

I was going to start this out with "I have a friend..." and that brought a huge smile to my face. Even though I've had a few light bulb moments in the past few days due to a couple friends of mine, the real friend here is me. I realized that I not only love myself, but I also like myself. This realization made me take the next step and see that I am worthy of love and happiness. As I spoke to one friend who is experiencing the initial jitters over starting a new relationship and seems to be questioning everything instead of just enjoying the giddy feeling she gets whenever she has contact with her new love interest, I realized how fortunate she is to have the opportunity to feel love again and wondered why it's much easier for us to feel bad things than it is to feel good things. 

I saw how potentially damaging the negative dialogue that we run over and over again in our heads really is. I felt frustration on her behalf as I tried to tell her that there is nothing to fear but fear itself and that fear is designed to destroy, divide and distract us from a path of happiness. Fear paralyzes and only allows the negative to filter through. Isn't it almost funny how clear things appear when others do it, but when it comes to our own behavior, somehow we can't seem to see what's right in front of us? 

We seem incapable of stepping into other people's shoes when it comes to seeing ourselves through someone else's eyes. All those endearing qualities that others admire in us, we make light of or completely overlook. Why do so many of us feel unworthy of love and happiness and feel we aren't good enough for someone? Why do we many times lack the courage to just go for it and see where the path takes us? What's wrong with just turning that negative dialogue off? 

I'm not talking about ignoring red flags. I'm talking about being able to stop selling ourselves short and to start seeing our own potential. I'm talking about believing we're good people...beautiful people who do deserve love and happiness no matter how old we are, where we come from or what health problems we may have! 

The second "friend" who perpetuated a light bulb moment did so by allowing me close enough to the truth to identify that the isolation she surrounds herself with is due to the abandonment she feels. I think she sees everyone she has ever loved and cared about as having moved on and left her. Death certainly is a cruel way of being left behind and as for the living, yes, we all are guilty of getting busy with our own lives and not seeing friends in need especially those friends who learn to suffer in silence. We all get wrapped up in our own little thing and forget how horrible that journey is for someone who transforms from being part of a group and belonging to something to the nothingness of becoming a hermit. 

Because I truly identify with how she feels, I know I will not give up on her. Because we have a relationship that spans an entire lifetime, the gaps it has experienced are gaps that now can be filled with things I was incapable of giving in my younger years. Because I am myself worthy of love and happiness, I am now capable of giving that part of me that I felt had to be protected and hidden away. I smile now knowing that part is the best part of me and that I can and will be a friend not only when it's easy but when it's needed most. Somehow I'll convince her that the fear of being asked, "what have you done with your life?" is something that can be met without hesitation or shame. 

Gratitude statement: As this new year gets underway, I'm grateful for feeling this past year has been a year of true growth. I hope the next year is filled with as much insight and wisdom AND MUCH LESS AGGRAVATION!

Gastroparesis Blues

They always say the older you get the wiser you get but in my case that doesn't hold true. One of the many things I struggle with having is gastroparesis. I have to be very careful what I consume because my digestive system is like some delicate Southern Belle on a tyrannical rampage or more accurately called a hissy fit. Because I'm a diabetic, one of the diabetic meds I'm taking is a med that is actually contraindicated for gastroparesis, but the doctors feel the benefits outweigh the negative effects.  When I have a severe gastroparesis flare I'm supposed to take a short holiday from the med, but I rarely do that because my blood sugar instantly goes out of whack if I stop taking the med even if it's just for a few days. 

I've worked so hard in the last several years to get my diabetes in control that I just would rather not chance seeing all my hard work go down the toilet so to speak. Several days ago, I stupidly ate a piece of steak. It's the first beef I've eaten in such a long time...it just looked and smelled so good when I was cooking it for everyone else that I had to taste it and there enters my stupidity...my downfall. I knew what was going to happen before the first piece of steak even touched my lips! Of course, I ate the whole piece! The steak sat in my stomach undigested for what seemed like forever and caused my digestive system some ungodly distress.  I ate cucumbers a few years ago and thought I was going to die for about a week. Needless to say, I haven't eaten cucumbers since then. I'll think twice before I eat steak again. A friend suggested I just chew the steak to get all the flavor out of it and then spit it out. Hey friend, have you ever met me? Hmmmm! Do I have that kind of self control? I'll answer that when I stop laughing. 

A Tribute To The Golden Years

Bankruptcy or Death?

My total prescriptions cost more than $100,000 per year. One prescription that I take by injection every 12 weeks is over $20,000 per shot. I often wonder what would become of me if I didn’t have insurance. Who out there struggles with out of pocket costs, copays and deductibles?

Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired?

I wish i woke up every now and then with just a fraction of the energy of a guy who found out he's not the father on The Jerry Springer Show.

Do You Feel Like You’ve Been Hit By A Truck?

 

A New Path Forward

A little rearranging, a new coat of paint, some dusting behind each story where the cobwebs have grown and a spritz of rose water to make everything smell...well, you know! Oh yes, I'm back and getting feistier each day or at least that's the story I'm sticking with for now. 

No more political jabs at the party of gloom and doom! Some people may ask which party is that, but my lips are sealed and my fingers are paralyzed so you'll have to ask someone else that question. Negativity breeds negativity and hate breeds hate. I choose the opposite and if I do have to resort to having a defensive stance on an issue, let me do so with love and compassion in my heart. No more personal stories of the days when I tripped the light fandango down the path of earthly delights. As I just typed those last few sentences a sarcastic smirk mysteriously appeared on my face along with a "we'll see how long that lasts" thought. Sigh!

My primary focus now is an earnest look at the aging process and all that goes with it. I'd like to attempt to break some of the myths about the golden years as I navigate through them. My aim isn't to spread negativity or to complain about every ache and pain experienced each day but to have an honest discussion about what life is really like living with chronic and/or terminal diseases and all the challenges that go with it. I'd like to cover everything from the mundane things in life we all roll our eyes at to what really excites people as they age. So, there you have it! My new goal is to be Mildred the Magnificant, saucy tart extraordinaire and golden years vigilante.

Gratitude statement: Today what I'm most grateful for is that I've found my way back here. 

LYNNE, MY SAUCY SISTER

I believe our friends become like our family at some point; that is, if they stick around long enough to get tagged with the moniker of "family." I have a few long-term friends who are the sisters I never was blessed with having. Some would say I was lucky because I missed having to share my clothes, toys and secrets with someone who could get me in trouble by snitching on me. While a sister might snitch, a true friend has lips so tight nothing can pry them opened. My sisters from another mister or two/partners in crime are Lynne, Margie, Lisa, Theresa, Carol, Joyce and Linda.

We meet many people throughout our lives and some of those people have a profound effect upon our lives and destiny. Some people enter and remain with us always while others enter and exit remaining just long enough to alter the path upon which we walk. Although Lynne faded from my life for a period of time, the footsteps she left has remained with me always. I'm truly grateful to Lynne because she entered my life at a point when I needed to be saved...mostly from myself because I was hell-bent on burning the candle at both ends. My demons had led me down a narrow path of darkened, self-destruction and then I met my savior, Lynne. There are many who would disagree with me by saying Lynne fed my demons, but those people didn't see how I teetered on the edge before she came into the picture. They didn't see how Lynne saved my life by befriending me, by extending her hand to pull me away from the edge, by giving me an alternative to my misery. They didn't see my pain, but she did. She may have never totally understood it, but she saw it and was there for me.

To say I was in awe of Lynne is a severe understatement…everyone was in awe of her! She was the quintessential woman every young teenage girl dreamed of being. I remember the first time I ever saw her. When I opened the kitchen door returning home from gadding about and walked inside my house, I heard voices coming from my brother, Brian's work out room. Ever since he had come back from Vietnam with the title of Heavyweight Champion of the 7th Fleet, he seemed obsessed with the three B’s: boxing, body building and babes. My middle older brother was Mr. Body Beautiful of Bangor, Maine (a fictitious title I gave him.)  Needless to say, he spent a lot of time pumping iron so he’d have a perfect physique. And oh, how he loved the females to admire him and yes, admire him, they did! I opened the door and poked my head inside to let him know I was home and also to be a little nosy. I wanted to see what female he had back there trying to impress with his biceps and other things!

When I opened the door, standing in front of me was a vision of everything I thought I wanted to be. She was a tall, dark-haired beauty with beautiful brown eyes. (Maybe Bob Seger wrote his song Night Moves about Lynne or someone like her.) Her body was perfectly shaped and she stood confident in her hip-hugger bell-bottoms and a shirt unbuttoned just enough to show some tantalizing cleavage. Her blue chambray shirt was tied in a knot around her midriff to show off her abs. No fucking way! Did she work out also? Later, I found out she was a go-go dancer at some local nightclub and that’s how she met my brother.

She smiled at me as she eyed me up and down. I guess I passed inspection or maybe I failed because she immediately took me under her wing. I thought it was only because she was dating my brother, but opportunities like that don’t come often, so I just played it cool and went along for the ride. Whatever the reason she had for befriending me didn’t matter to me. I was just a kid, but the road I walked on with Lynne gave me an education I’ll never forget.

Shortly after meeting Lynne, my brother told her to NEVER give me any drugs. NOT EVER!!! At 14, I was already experimenting with most illegal substances, but the availability seemed to widen immensely as soon as she came into my life. Although she never gave me any hard drugs and didn't do any herself in my presence, being in her inner circle gave me the contacts to get anything I wanted. She and I would occasionally smoke a joint together, but that was more a social thing to do than it was to get high. Smoking dope for me was never really any big deal…it was just something everyone did. Adults had their cocktails as a social lubricant and the younger generation smoked weed. From where I stood, everyone appeared to get lubricated somehow!

When my brother and Lynne broke up, we continued being friends. In fact, by that time we spent most of our time together. I was blinded by Lynne’s aura, but I doubt if I had seen my role in the grand scheme of things it would have changed anything I did. I saw Lynne as my ticket out of Bangor, Maine and so when she suggested leaving, I jumped at the chance. She was older than me and was street savvy. I felt safe with her and as long as I was with her everything seemed to flow in what appeared to be a positive direction.

Lynne and I developed a strange relationship on the streets after we left Bangor. I could do as I pleased without any questions asked, but she always insisted on knowing where I was. I complied with her request because she took care of me and for that I was grateful. The streets of Boston became my new playground and Lynne became my guardian angel and surrogate mother. I watched how Lynne operated and she did whatever she needed to do with the grace of a cat to support us, but I was on a need-to-know basis so many things just weren't discussed. I complied by not asking too many questions.

Eventually, I started doing stuff intentionally to piss her off because after all I was a snotty teenager. You know how teenagers can be! I pushed her buttons often, but she rarely got angry at me. I certainly deserved a swift kick in the ass, but she never gave me one. One evening while she was "out," I got into a poker game with a group of guys who lived in the same building as us. They liked to party and so did I. When I foolishly lost all my money, I got cocky and used Lynne as a bet. When I lost, I immediately had an “Oh shit!” moment. I couldn’t believe I had done that! I really caught hell on that one, but I deserved it. Lynne graciously paid off my bet and made the winner a very happy man. I never played poker with that group again but was frequently asked to do so. Go figure!

It was a fast crowd and although I was readily accepted into it, there was an unspoken rule that no one was to mess with me in any way. I was COMPLETELY OFF LIMITS! I simply became the one who everyone liked to laugh with, hang out with and get high with. And Lynne was the one they all lusted after. I accepted my role and knew my place. I never tried to actively change it because I knew what I would be going up against. But the day did come when I was noticed first and Lynne was virtually invisible. That day immediately changed everything and my path was permanently altered once again.

I look back on my time with Lynne in those early days with many emotions. It's hard to believe she's gone now. Her Golden Years were filled with some major health problems that eventually led to hospice care and ultimately, her death. The waves of grief that consume me come at odd times and luckily most of them are when I'm by myself so as the flood gates open, I don't have to explain why I'm crying. 

Story to be continued...

WHERE THERE'S SMOKE THERE'S FIRE

In my absence, I've had surgery and almost 6 months of physical therapy. While I do have use of my left arm once again, it's still weak and has a ways to go before I'll consider it up to my standards. The depressing thing is that I'm facing the same surgery for my right arm and shoulder, but until it gets to the point where I simply can't use it, I'm going to hold off on having more surgery right now. 

Yesterday, I started tackling my sorely neglected yard. My yard man only cuts the grass. Everything else in the yard got put on the back burner until I could get to it. Saying that my flower beds were a mess is not an adequate description of the sorry state they were in when I started cleaning out the weeds yesterday that had over taken the beds. This time of year I always fight the same weed called Devil beggarticks. OMG! If you aren't familiar with this highly invasive weed, let me tell you that if you own dogs and have beggarticks are in your yard, your dogs will come inside the house coated with fine black needle-like seeds that cling to their fur. This time of year I always just about lose what little mind I have left pulling the damn stickers out of my dogs' fur every time they go outside. 

So yesterday I spent all day (6am til about 5pm) outside pulling up three foot plus "devil" weeds by the roots in hopes that I can eliminate them before they go to seed. I pulled and pulled and then when I had my first pile stacked I started burning them. While I burned all the debris I had gathered yesterday and tended the fire, I snapped some pics of the smoke while it swirled and danced in the breeze.

ONE WORD SAYS IT ALL...

 

A PIRATE LOOKS AT DYING

RIP Jimmy Buffett...

THE CLOSET DOOR

I know if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's supposed to be a duck, but I've spent my entire life on the back side of the closet door because... well hell, I guess I did it because being an atheist isn't a popular thing to be and I always seem to go against the flow challenging anything in my way or that smells like bullshit. There I said it! I've finally came out of the closet. I'm a heathen through and through!

If I were a Christian, I'd really be pissed off at God. I mean, here sits this omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent perfectly benevolent being doing what? Definitely not being all-powerful, all-knowing and all present! Oh yeah! That's right! We, the imperfect sinners were given free will so we can royally screw things up. I guess that's where faith is supposed to factor into the whole equation. Suffer now and get rewarded later? Be a good, faithful follower and the best one can hope for is to watch people around us suffer and die. Lead a good life and never know when it's all going to end or be taken away in some dreadful flash.

And the hereafter? I'm sorry, but I don't want to spend my eternity singing and playing harps with angels. I think this is where one might insert a puke face emoji! I don't want to reach a state of perfection when there's nothing more to strive for... I don't want to be reunited with people who irritated the crap out of me during my brief tenure on this earth. Nope, I prefer to believe I'll become part of the vast cosmos eventually.

The first law of thermodynamics states (here she goes getting all quantum and acting like she actually knows something) that energy can be changed from one form to another, but cannot be created nor destroyed. IF science has it right then my life force will simply transform into some other "energy" at the moment of my death. Perhaps it's like water becoming ice or steam depending on whether heat or cold is applied to it. It's still water, but in a different form. It looks different. It has different properties, but it's still just water. I'd rather believe that someday I may be particles of stardust floating throughout the universe and perhaps, if I'm lucky my particles will find their way to some newly forming planet or star. How groovy would that be? (Did she really use the word "groovy?)

Since I have free will, I choose not to buy into an ageless god who has sat back watching our world decline and has done nothing to intercede on its behalf. I don't want to believe in a creature who would allow horrible things to happen to good people. I detest any being who allows wars to be fought in his/her name and who shines a glorified light on the self-righteous who judge others and who claims their way is the only way to some afterlife paradise. 

Nope! I just don't buy it. I'm a show me type of person and unless I see some grand stand miracle, I'm going to live out the rest of my life believing life is just life and nothing more. Bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people and sometimes good things happen to good people, but bad things don't happen often enough to bad people (I think that one needs to go in the suggestion box). Who ever said life is fair or just? Life is life! It's a short ride filled with many surprises...some good, some bad. And if I'm wrong, well, I'm sure I have many people praying for me and my willful ignorance. Maybe their God, will want to keep me around for awhile for a few giggles and grins!

Gratitude statement: I'm grateful the closet door is ALWAYS unlocked and easy to open!

FOREVER YOUNG

Repost from 2011 and edited:

From the time we're small children we're taught that growing old is something to be feared, dreaded and avoided at all costs. Just look at what advertising is geared towards! No wonder so may people go through severe upheavals as they reach middle age and start to show signs of wear and tear.

Vanity tells us that as our outer beauty fades we become less desirable in many ways. We see the fate of the elderly and know that someday we will sit where they are. As we furiously diet and exercise to stay fit, is our strife solely for health purposes or is it just a feeble attempt to hold onto our vanishing youth a little longer? Are the botox injections, breast implants or cosmetic surgery another step closer to the fountain of youth or something that society pressures us into considering as a desired partner in the aging process to help us through the mid-life vanity crisis?

Should we focus on the outer beauty and struggle to stay youthful or should we concentrate on the inner beauty and wisdom that comes with age? Shouldn’t we be able to know and feel good that within each of us is the same person we were years ago without feeling self-conscious that the physical part changes? I think I’ll stick with the philosophy "aging is inevitable, but growing old is optional…" That way I can just do whatever feels right for me regarding gray hair and wrinkles, but at 35, I have a few more years before I have to worry about my fading youth. I'm glad to see my sense of humor hasn't declined as my waistline has thickened and my hair has thinned and gotten white along with the myriad complexities of growing older.

This is yours truly at 67. My daughter took this photo of me being my normal goofy self at the Beyond Van Gogh, The Immersive Experience this past Saturday August 12, 2023. I look at it and still see the person I was many years ago and to me, that's a wonderful thing.

LIVING WITH CHRONIC PAIN

For the past 20+ years I've lived with chronic pain. Now, I'm faced with having a few new additional pains added to all my other "normal" ones. Several months ago I injured my left shoulder doing yardwork. When the injury happened I knew immediately that I had done something to it, but failed to get it examined until November which was several months after the injury. My rheumatalogist order X-rays of both shoulders and an MRI of my right shoulder. I didn't realize until I went to get the MRI done that the order for the MRI was for the wrong shoulder. The facility wouldn't call my doctor and get a verbal change to the order, so I just went ahead and had an MRI done on my right shoulder.

Shortly after that I got an appointment with my primary care doctor because getting back into see my rheumatologist on short notice isn't an easy feat to accomplish. My primary care ordered a MRI for my left shoulder which revealed a complete tear of my rotator cuff, bone spurs and something wrong with my biceps. After jumping through all the necessary red tape to get cleared for surgery, my surgery was finally scheduled for February 20th. The results of the MRI on my right shoulder revealed tears in my right shoulderas as well.

Yesterday, my surgeon's office called to tell me that my surgery has to be postoned until April 3rd. This delay is due to the biologic (Skyrizi) I take for Psoriatic Arthritis. According to my rheumatologist surgery can safely be done 13 weeks after my last shot. Needless, to say I'm bummed out that the surgery had to be postponed. I was actually looking forward to putting it in my rear view mirror so I could address the other shoulder.

Chronic pain can be one of the most difficult things to accept and learn to live with daily. It can be a constant reminder of our physical limitations, making it hard to stay motivated and keep up with our daily lives and relationships. Pain can also affect our mental and emotional health, creating a downward spiral of depression and exhaustion. Fortunately, there are strategies we can use to help us accept our physical limitations and learn to live with pain. 

It's important to be aware of the signals your body is giving you and listen to them. I failed to do this initially when I first injured my shoulder. I tried to power through it hoping whatever was wrong would eventually heal and go away. It didn't! If you're feeling pain, don't try to push through it. Doing so can lead to further physical damage and more chronic pain. Instead, take a break and find out what is causing the pain. Pay attention to feelings of fatigue or low energy, as these can signal an underlying health condition or depression. Also, monitor your mood and be mindful of your reactions to stress or changes in your environment.

When listening to your body, pay attention to the little things that bring you happiness. Take time to relax, try something new, or just spend time with loved ones. These activities can bring joy into your life and give you energy. Achieving balance between your physical and emotional needs can help you better understand and accept your physical limitations. Connecting with yourself and your emotions will allow you to assess how different activities affect your energy levels and happiness. This may help you become more mindful of any potential triggers for depression or other mental health issues.

Additionally, staying active even if only for short periods of time will boost your energy levels and help keep depression at bay. Taking care of yourself in small ways each day such as going for a walk or reading a book can also contribute to overall happiness. Finally, seeking support from friends, family members, or healthcare professionals can make all the difference when trying to cope with physical limitations. Surrounding yourself with positive people who are understanding of your situation can help you stay motivated and supported during difficult times.