JAMES F MILLER OCTOBER 15, 2020

Perhaps I'm just being petty, but a few weeks ago I came across a Facebook post that rattled me. My ex-husband passed away October 15, 2020, but I never read his obituary. To be honest I never felt the need to read it and then a few weeks ago I was alerted to his obituary that someone had posted on his Facebook page. Stupidly, I went and read it. It wasn't the contents of the obituary that upset me but the photo that was used. 

Whoever was responsible for the obituary selected our wedding photo to use for his obituary picture. We divorced in the late 1990's and he had been with someone else for the last twenty+ years, but never married her. I just can't imagine that woman being okay with his wedding picture with me being used for his obituary picture. Of course, along with looking at the picture came me wanting to kick myself for looking at it. It brought back the full array of the avalanche my life underwent during that period. It used to be easy to blame him for all the pain I experienced, but I was there willingly. I may not have known initially what I was up against but when I did find out I had the option of leaving and I didn't...I stayed. I stayed through the shock treatments when he had a breakdown. I stayed even though he slept with a hatchet under the bed. I stayed even though he would disappear for days at a time with no explanation. I stayed until he left me and cleaned out our savings and took everything we owned and went to someone who had money and could keep him in a lifestyle he wanted. 

While he was disabled and couldn't work, I worked full time and went to school full time. Things were pretty stressful. My father's health was declining. He had two heart attacks. I felt like I was trying to be three or four people with little to no help. Jim was pretty zoned out on psychiatric drugs 24/7 so he couldn't be relied upon for anything (making a meal, doing laundry, etc.) As he got "better" he got paranoid and started thinking all sorts of crazy stuff. That's when he decided leave. Yes, he did me a favor, even though at the time it didn't feel that way because I had nothing left. He took everything I owned even the pictures on the walls. One day I came home from work to an empty house. I honestly don't know how I got through the first few months after that but I did. If it weren't for my children, I don't think I would have been able to get back on my feet. 

I know beauty is in the eyes of the beholder and I definitely know I am no beauty queen, but whenever I need to feel somewhat better about my old fugly ass I just look at what I got dumped for and know that Jim Miller really did do me a HUGE favor all those years ago. Yes, I've been alone a long time, but I've been here waiting for the right person to find me and sweep me off my feet. I used to laugh whenever he would call me and ask me to take him back. He made the mistake of telling me once he went to see The Rolling Stones with this woman and all I could think about was all the places he never took me. He didn't know it, but he really did me a favor by being honest then. Thank you, Jim! I really do hope you rest in the peace you never had in life!

SILENT FIGHT

Everywhere I look I see angry or depressed faces. It seems that over the years the child-like joy that accompanies Christmas gradually turns into frustration and despair. I think everyone knows Murphy's Laws are always on steroids during the month of December. We learn to expect the unexpected as our major appliances and cars have nervous breakdowns during the holiday season or some other major unforeseen expense rears its ugly head. Then add the hustle and bustle of the holiday season to an already crappy mood and what do you have? A grinch in training, of course! Does growing up and seeing Christmas no longer through the eyes of a child, but through the eyes of a frustrated shopper with limited funds turn the spirit of the season into dread? Does past memories of perhaps a death in the family or a break up taint the holiday season forever? Outwardly, we decorate and act festive, but what do we really feel on the inside? Is Christmas just a well disguised glittery nightmare or a merchant’s dream come true? Where does the true spirit of Christmas reside? In the church? In the home? In the heart? And when it’s found or if it's found, why doesn't it last all year long?

*Repost December 5, 2011

CONNECTING THE DOTS

I must have asked hundreds of people throughout my lifetime about Adam and Eve, but never received a sufficient answer that made any real sense to me. In fact, most of my questions about Christianity have been met with a "how dare you question God" attitude and not with the loving tutelage of someone trying to spread the Word. Eventually, I just stopped asking and sifted through the mountain of BS so I could connect all the dots by myself. So how is it that I dare to question God and more importantly, what is it in me that drives me to seek the answers to my questions? Was I born without certain filters others seem to have? What makes me believe it's time EVERYONE opened their eyes and questioned God's laissez-faire approach to mankind. According to the Bible, God wasn't always that way. In times past, His Hand was in EVERYTHING and now it's like He's on some kind of permanent vacation. His followers continue to worship Him. They pray and their prayers seem to fall on deaf ears. They pray and the despair in their voices is maddening. Isn't God listening? I want to know when He packed His bags and I want to know where He went. The Cayman Islands, perhaps? Yes, it appears God hasn't been pulling his own weight lately and really needs to get off his holy ass and do something.....HUGE! Might I suggest throwing mankind a bone by allowing the cure for AIDS, cancer and a few other horrible diseases to be discovered? Might I suggest that He/She/It stop killing off young people/children/babies and stick to people who have lived a full life? Might I suggest that people are shown how brotherly love works so wars and hunger will cease? And while I'm at it, will someone PLEASE explain the FIRST FAMILY to me? Does anyone care to explain if incest is wrong, how did the world get populated in the BEGINNING? Eve was supposedly the only babe in town, so you do the math. Okay, so maybe incest was an acceptable practice back in the day and morality has come a long way since then (or at least it has in some families), but it still doesn't explain why Christians aren't all on the same page with all their interpretations of the Scriptures and why they get so defensive over simple questions. Could it be that they have questions too, but are too fearful to come out of the closet and ask? Wait! I hear a voice... "And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive." (Matthew 21:22

*Repost from October 18, 2011

DEFENDERS OF THE REALM

My partner in crime, "Martha" has Corgi puppies for sale (Thor, Bruno and Belle). Thor is the smallest of the three and he is defending HIS cardboard box. It's such a pleasure to watch as these pups grow and develop. It will be a sad day if and when they ever get sold... 

*Notice how I have my feet purposely out of their way...that's so the little terrorists won't chew on my feet! lol

DAY 30 - 30 SONGS IN 30 DAYS

Day 30: A song that reminds you of yourself

"I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" has been acclaimed by many critics and publications as one of the greatest songs of all time. In 2001, the song was ranked at number 120 on the RIAA's list of 365 "Songs of the Century" – a project intended to "promote a better understanding of America's musical and cultural heritage" – despite the group's Irish origins. In 2003, a special edition issue of Q, titled "1001 Best Songs Ever", placed "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" at number 148 on its list of the greatest songs. In 2005, Blender ranked the song at number 443 on its list of "The 500 Greatest Songs Since You Were Born". In 2004, Rolling Stone ranked the song 93rd on its list of "The 500 Greatest Songs of All Time"; the song remained in that position on the magazine's 2010 version of the list, but was re-ranked to 321st on the 2021 version.

Los Angeles Times critic Robert Hilburn called it U2's "Let It Be", in reference to the Beatles song. The staff of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame selected "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" as one of 500 Songs that Shaped Rock and Roll.

The song was covered by Scottish band the Chimes in 1990 and was featured on their self-titled debut album. The rendition peaked at number six in both the United Kingdom and New Zealand charts. It also peaked into number twelve in the Netherlands chart. Singer Cher used to open her shows with a cover of the song during her 1990s and 2000s concerts. The cast of TV series Glee, led by Chord Overstreet, Kevin McHale, Darren Criss and Jenna Ushkowitz, covered the song in the eleventh episode of the fifth season, "City of Angels", as a tribute for Finn Hudson (Cory Monteith) in their national competition.

*(borrowed from Wikipedia)

THE TRUTH IS A VIRUS

[Originally written April 9, 2009, taken from an excerpt on my blog, Abnormally Normal People, edited and reposted]

Truth? As far out on the edge as I've teetered, something has always kept me from stepping into the abyss. Truth? My pain and I have a very intimate relationship. It’s very complicated and the only lasting relationship I’ve ever had. It’s definitely a love-hate relationship full of angst and exploration leading me into places where I’m able to forget my pain temporarily. During those times, life has been wonderful and filled with adventures, but nonetheless those times were temporary.

Is there anyone out there who has ever gotten to the point of saying "I'm done"? Well, what do you do when you're done? What do you do when you look back at the life you've lived and see that it's taken you to a place of true complacency and indifference? Wow! That's a place I never thought I'd be! Anger maybe. Rage was always a possibility. Bitterness was always aching to be number one on the hit parade, but what did I get? Complacency and indifference salted with a dash of disillusionment.

Without all the gory details, I recently made a decision that possibly could be the queen of all my self-destructive acts. I know some might think anyone making the decision to stop an addiction... any addiction is a wise decision. Perhaps it is! What would one say to someone who is addicted to prescribed narcotics and muscle relaxers and who has decided to stop taking those drugs against medical advice? Hmmmmmmm! Go for it? Good luck? You’re a damn fool? There’s no escaping the truth. When you’re done, you’re done.

Truth? Drugs have veiled many of my written words over the past several years. Okay, for some that may come as no big surprise, but for me it does. What surprises me is that after living through the horrors of drug abuse at a younger age, I allowed myself to take the easy way out as an adult and become something I hated. I would like nothing more than to be able to blame the doctors who prescribed the drugs to me, but I can't do that. I won’t do that! They had a job to do and did it. What transpired was a perfectly legal act, although some might question the ethics or morals involved.

Was I some drug-seeking individual that goes from doctor to doctor hoping to score some decent drugs? Truth? No! My medical problems set me on the path of having the best drugs health insurance could legally buy. Unfortunately, the nature of the beast includes developing a tolerance to prescribed narcotics. What may work initially only becomes a way to take the edge off and feel somewhat normal…. whatever normal is I’ve forgotten.

After careful consideration, I decided to go cold turkey. Is that the politically correct term these days or is it only showing my age? I decided to do this withdrawal in stages thinking that it would be easier on me due to other health issues. Instead of weaning myself off my meds, I abruptly stopped taking my Oxycontin first and now, I’m in the throes of a nasty divorce from Percocet 10’s. The muscle relaxers were flushed sometime in the midst of all this madness. Has my last month been fun? Hell no, but what I do know is that withdrawal can be accomplished. All it takes is determination and insanity will take you the rest of the way.

Gratitude statement: I'm grateful for having another blog I can steal stuff from when I don't feel like journaling.