THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS

 A Modern Day Love Story (complete with colorful expletives and emojis, of course)

December 26th

I went to the door today and the postman had delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.

With deepest love and devotion,

Agnes💓

December 27th

Dearest John,

Today the postman brought your sweet gift. Just imagine ......... two turtle doves! I'm just delighted at your thoughtfulness. They are just adorable.

All my love,

Agnes💓

December 28th

Dearest John,

Oh, aren't you the extravagant one? Now I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity ..........THREE French Hens!!! They are just darling, but I must insist, you've been too kind.

Love,

Agnes💓

December 29th

Dear John,

Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful but don't you think enough is enough? You are being TOO romantic.

Affectionately,

Agnes💋

December 30th

Dearest John,

What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings... one for every finger. You are just impossible, but I love it. Frankly all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love,

Agnes💋

December 31st

Dear John,

What goes on? When I opened the door today there were actually six geese-a- layin' on my front steps, so your back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are HUGE. Where will I even keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop.

Cordially,

Agnes✋

January 1st

John,

What's with you and these fucking birds? Seven Swans-a-swimming. What kind of damn joke is that? There's bird shit all over the house and they never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny, so STOP...OKAY?

Sincerely,

Agnes✋

January 2nd

OKAY, Buster,

I think I prefer the birds...what the hell am I going to do with eight maids-a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids-a-milking, but they had to bring their damn cows. There's shit all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off, Smartass!!!

Agnes💪

January 3rd

Listen Shithead,

What are you, some kind of idiot? Now there's nine pipers playing, and Christ do they play! They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset, and they're stomping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors are starting a petition to evict me.

You'll get yours,

Agnes😠

January 4th

You Dirty Prick!!!

Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call these sluts "ladies". They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and furthermore, they have diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The City Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to show cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm calling the cops on you..........I mean it!!!🖕

January 5th

You DIRTY, ROTTEN, BASTARD!!!

What's with the eleven Lords-a-Leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through all the maids, and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All twenty-three of the birds are dead...they were trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you stupid fucking moron.

Your ETERNAL ENEMY,

Agnes🖕

January 6th

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve drummers drumming, which you have seen fit to inflict upon our client, Miss Agnes Crawford. The destruction of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you attempt to reach Miss Crawford at the sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

30 TRUTHS IN 30 DAYS - DAY TWENTY-NINE

Truth #29: As a young person, we all think we are invincible. We can survive on alcohol, junk food, drugs and practically no sleep and be ready to go do it all over again the next day. The abuse we put ourselves through both physically and mentally isn't something we ever give much thought to until something happens to us or to someone we love. As we get older that abuse catches up to us in the form of health problems. Most of us learn the hard way that we have to take care of our bodies. We have to eat right and exercise. We have to stay hydrated with water and not booze or Coke. Those bad habits like smoking, alcohol and drugs, take their toll in enormous ways on our bodies and on our personal lives and relationships. If we don't part ways with them, they will devour us and unfortunately, be our demise. 

Here are a few things that usually develop as a result of neglecting our bodies:

Heart problems: Alcohol and most drugs are linked to heart and blood vessel problems. This can lead to irregular heartbeat, heart attack, stroke, and death.

Dental problems: Many different substances cause dental problems, like dry mouth and tooth decay.

Lung problems: Smoking or inhaling drugs can damage your lungs and increase your risk for lung problems like bronchitis or lung cancer.

Infections: Injecting drugs increases your risk of infections like HIV, hepatitis, or heart and skin infections. Drug use can also weaken your immune system, making you more vulnerable to infections.

Kidney damage: Some drugs can damage your kidneys directly or make them have to work harder than normal.

Liver damage: Alcohol and drugs can damage your liver, especially when combined.

Mental health problems: Many drugs can worsen or cause new mental health problems like depression or anxiety.

Cancer: Cigarettes and alcohol have been linked to different types of cancer. 

[I'd like to dedicate this post to my biological father who died at 58 years old from complications of what years of alcoholism and smoking 3 packs of non-filtered cigarettes daily did to his body.]

MORE ADULT CHRISTMAS HUMOR

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS

 A Politically Correct Christmas Poem

Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...

How to live in a world that's politically correct?

His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",

"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.

And labor conditions at the North Pole,

were alleged by the union, to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished without much propriety,

released to the wilds, by the Humane Society.

And equal employment had made it quite clear,

that Santa had better not use just reindeer.

So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,

were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his beautiful sleigh,

because the ruts were deemed dangerous by the EPA,

And millions of people were calling the Cops,

when they heard sled noises upon their roof tops.

Second-hand smoke from his pipe, had his workers quite frightened,

and his fur trimmed red suit was called "unenlightened".

To show you the strangeness of today's ebbs and flows,

Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose.

He went to Geraldo, in front of the Nation,

demanding millions in over-due workers compensation.

So...half of the reindeer were gone, and his wife

who suddenly said she'd had enough of this life,

joined a self help group, packed and left in a whiz,

demanding from now on that her title was Ms.

And as for gifts...why, he'd never had the notion

that making a choice could cause such commotion.

Nothing of leather, nothing of fur...

Which meant nothing for him or nothing for her.

Nothing to aim, Nothing to shoot,

Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.

Nothing for just girls and nothing for just boys.

Nothing that claimed to be gender specific,

Nothing that's warlike or non-pacifistic.

No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.

Nothing that seemed to embellish upon the truth.

And fairy tales...while not yet forbidden,

were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden,

for they raised the hackles of those psychological,

who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football...someone might get hurt,

besides - playing sports exposed kids to dirt.

Dolls were said to be sexist and should be passe.

and Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled and perplexed,

he just couldn't figure out what to do next?

He tried to be merry he tried to be gay,

but you must have to admit he was having a very bad day.

His sack was quite empty, it was flat on the ground,

nothing fully acceptable was anywhere to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might,

give to us all, without angering the left or the right.

A gift that would satisfy - with no indecision,

each group of people in every religion.

Every race, every hue,

everyone, everywhere...even you!

So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...

"MAY YOU AND YOUR LOVED ONES, ENJOY PEACE ON EARTH"

30 TRUTHS IN 30 DAYS - DAY TWENTY-EIGHT

Truth #28: The truth for Christmas Eve is that today is an excellent day to take a break and just enjoy the day even though it's the coldest day we've had in 30 years. I say "enjoy" the day and that's only after I brave the cold and go out shopping for puppy stuff so I can bring Thor to his new home and introduce him to his new family.  I have one dog sleeping on my heating pad meant for my injured shoulder and the others are snuggled up in their usual spots. I consider Tara, my cat to be one of the pack because she thinks she's a dog or a "cog" (cat-dog). Perhaps the old saying "nothing is constant but change" rings true today as my family increases in size. Later, I'll finish baking Christmas cookies and call it a day by greeting Santa Claus as he lands on my roof with some freshly baked cookies and a cup of hot cocoa before sending him on his way to deliver presents to all the good little boys and girls across the world...and probably a few naughty ones too!

MEET THOR

Thor is the newest addition to my family. My partner in crime and lifelong friend, Linda aka Martha raises Corgis. She and her husband, Max gave me an adorable tri-color Corgi puppy (I'm so excited) I know my other furbabies, Fenway, B.A., Libby and Tara will go through an adjustment period, but everyone will be the best of friends before too long. 

Thor in his Christmas sweater

Thor says , "I'm a handsome boy!"