merijane muses is written by a "salty Maine chick" and encompasses her "musings on life's joys, heartbreaks & curveballs." Her latest post, Forgive Yourself, Mama covers motherhood's trials and tribulations. Merijane's outlook on life and subject matter is refreshingly honest and aimed at things most of us can relate to in our own lives.
The following is the comment I left in response to her heartfelt post and after rereading it, I realized that my words to her is my own philosophy about life summed up in one short paragraph:
Too many of us never learn how to forgive ourselves for anything. It's as though we never hold ourselves to the same standards we have for everyone else. We don't expect perfection from anyone but the person staring back at us in the mirror. It's really sad we do that to ourselves...life would be so much easier and way more pleasant if we just exhaled and relaxed. It's okay to make mistakes as long as we learn from the mistakes we make. What I've found in life is that most things can be fixed with love and for everything else there's duck tape!
They say hindsight is 20/20, but I have to admit I often wonder who "they" are and why aren't "they" out actively trying to educate dumb asses like me. "They" seem to be the ones that always jump in first to tell me "I told you so" whenever I make a huge boo-boo even when "they" never really gave me any warnings in the first place. I can't say that my mother telling me things like "it's as easy to love a rich man as it is a poor man" are the lessons in love I needed as a young girl. What I needed most was to be told I was beautiful, intelligent and capable to doing anything I wanted to do.
At the ripe old age of 58 I had an epiphany the other day. I've spent my whole live thinking I actually preferred 'bad boys" to the nice guys of the world. I thought living dangerously and on the edge chasing after men with commitment issues and little respect or regard for any female was what got and kept my juices flowing. Yes, I've questioned my preferences many times and have wondered why I've always equated nice guys as being boring. My choices throughout life have deeply frustrated me because none of them have led to lasting happiness or a stable relationship. So at 58, after being totally celibate and without any sort of relationship with a man for 9 years I've come to a rather startling conclusion. I've always joking told people that sex causes brain damage. Okay, maybe it wasn't totally a joke because it seems when two people throw sex into a relationship all clarity and common sense leaps out the window...or at least it does in my case. Nine years ago I finally had enough of the rollercoaster ride and put myself in time out.
When the light bulb finally turned on, it made the situation look entirely different to me. I never really connected the dots so I could look at a complete picture. Now, looking back I can say that my twisted view of what intimate relationships should be like and the kind of man in which I could enjoy lasting happiness with makes total sense to me. I've spent my entire life chasing after anything and everything that would validate my powerful sense of not being worthy of love and happiness. It's was always easy for me to believe I didn't deserve a good life and finding people willing and able to prove that point was always a very easy thing to do. Many people might wonder why anyone would feel unworthy of love and happiness or why anyone would spend a lifetime doing anything that resembles a dog chasing its tail. It's a complicated issue that dates back as far as I can remember. For me, maybe it would have been more evident and easier to see if my "break" happened later in life. For me, that destructive feeling was incorporated into my being at a very young age. It's just the way it was. It's just who I grew up being. It's not something I ever questioned because I grew up with the attitude "if the people who love me will hurt me then what's the rest of the world going to do to me?" With that attitude it's easy to see why I always felt like I was continually swimming upstream against the current.
I grew up with little self worth. I held all my pain very close and rarely showed it to anyone. When I did, it was just a glimpse. I grew up with no expectations of the future or visions of that house with a white picket fence. I grew up feeling that fleeting mind blowing sex was a good trade off for a stable life with someone who loved me. I never knew anyone could have both, so I stuck with the bad boys who seemed more than happy to scratch my insatiable itch. I grew up numbing my pain with drugs and thinking promiscuity was okay. Many times I would say, 'it's a hard job and someone has to do it." It's sad that I cared so little for myself, but what's sadder is that I believed no one else cared what happened to me either. The giving of myself to another person never held the same value to me as it did to others. I didn't feel anything about me was really worth anyone's time or effort, so for me, intimacy was a twisted maze in which I became deliriously lost.
I know now nice guys aren't boring. Nice guys are just that and being nice isn't the kiss of death everyone always claimed it was. The problem is that at 58 I'm way behind the curve and I don't know if I'm really interested in jumping back in the pond in search of the right frog to kiss. I'm definitely not afraid of making mistakes because I've spent a lifetime being well-acquainted with doing just that. I can't say exactly what the problem is...maybe just fear of the unknown or maybe it's as simple as I've run out of steam. I can say this...I am open to the possibilities if one ever presents itself to me, but I doubt I'll ever actively go out looking for love. Being alone isn't the worst thing in life and it's much easier to deal with than always being with the wrong person in a relationship filled with nothing, but fruitless drama.
Doing the right thing is rarely an easy feat. Now multiply the difficulty factor exponentially when the person trying to accomplish doing the right thing is a scared, confused teenager faced with a life altering decision. When I first found out my daughter-in-law had given birth when she was only fifteen years old, I truly admired her for having the courage to put her child up for adoption. That decision is never an easy one to make and I know she's always wondered whether or not she did the right thing. Knowing she had a child out there somewhere has always eaten at her. With each birthday, she remembered the beautiful moment that had touched her life and with each birthday she reiterated a promise she had made to both herself and her baby. They say time heals all wounds, but in her case all time seemed to do was to widen the empty spot in her heart she tried desperately to conceal from people. Each time she passed a little girl roughly her daughter's age she would wonder if she was looking at the bundle of joy she once held.
Many years later she met and married my son. As my daughter-in-law grew older and attempted to start a family with my son, what she had feared for so long seemed to come true. Getting pregnant a second time wasn't an easy task. They tried numerous fertility treatments until their funds ran out. Then it happened! She beamed as she told everyone that she and my son were pregnant. She finally felt she could exhale and look towards the future once again. She really hadn't been damned! Shortly after finding out she was pregnant, she had an ultrasound done which revealed an ectopic pregnancy, a dangerous complication that can be life-threatening for the mother. She was immediately admitted to the hospital where the procedure to end the pregnancy was performed. Not only was the pregnancy terminated, but she had to have one of her fallopian tubes removed as well. Needless to say, my heart ached for both her and my son. With a heavy heart, they moved forward not knowing what the future had in store for them.
About a year after the ectopic pregnancy more tragedy struck when my daughter-in-law lost her mother to a sudden unforeseen illness. It seemed her whole world was crashing in around her and she fell into a deep despair not knowing where to turn or who to turn towards because she didn't know who she would lose next. It had been three years earlier when she lost her father to a long illness that slowly erased the "larger than life" man he was always seen as being. Both her parents were considered young by today's standards where it's not uncommon for people to live well into their 90's. Long terminal illnesses are hard on a family because they have to watch a once vibrant loved one wither away, but unlike a sudden death, a long illness does allow a family time to say good-bye and to accept an end will eventually come. For my daughter-in-law being a nurse has been such a blessing in many ways, but at times especially when accepting that some things are out of her control and nothing can be done to change the outcome being a nurse has been a curse. Now parentless, her desire to find her daughter grew stronger. She set the ball in motion not knowing what was awaiting her at the end of her journey. As she put one foot in front of the other pushing herself towards finding out what fate had in store for her, the overpowering need to know steered her every move.
Not many people can truly validate a decision like the one she made when she was fifteen. Not many people can actually see that they did the right thing. Most people spend a lifetime hoping and wanting, but most people never know for sure. Most people spend that lifetime wondering and always having an empty spot in their heart. This isn't the case for my daughter-in-law. Not only did she find her daughter, but her daughter wanted to find her as well. Their reunion has been one in which a real life fairytale can be written. Not only have they reunited, but they are presently working towards building a good relationship. As they get to know each other, both of them are amazed at how many things they have in common and how many personality traits they share. My daughter-in-law now knows that she did the right thing many years ago because the life her daughter grew up having is a life she would have never been able to give her. She is grateful to the people who became her daughter's mother and father. They adopted, loved and raised a baby girl who grew into being a truly beautiful woman both inside and out. They nurtured and taught her how to be a strong, determined woman who can and will do great things with her life. My daughter-in-law's aim isn't to try to take anyone's place, but to merely have a place, however small in her daughter's life. Her recent journey and the place that she has found in her daughter's life is one that has filled her heart with a much needed joy...a joy she has waited 24 years to have. Since all good fairytales end the same way, I'll end this one with a heartfelt "and they lived happily ever after..."
Every now and then you should shake things up and go for the gusto with a little humor. The following ad is one I was thinking about posting on an online dating site. Match.com claims it's the number one destination for online dating with more dates, more relationships, & more marriages than any other dating or personals site. eHarmony wants its users to beat the odds and bet on love because their bold, scientific approach to matching means more quality dates with deeply compatible singles that truly understand you. Which site do you think would yield a match right for me?
Hideous-looking, cynical, judgmental mature SWF with chronic bitch syndrome seeks emotionally needy man with money for LTR. Age unimportant. Disgusting habits, arrest record, deviant behavior and psychiatric diagnosis a plus. Physical characteristics, location and marital status not important. Personality and intelligence optional. Please respond with financial statement and picture of house.
I've drifted throughout life in search of a certain touch, an unmistakable look of acceptance and an intuitive knowing of what comes next. The only thing I've heard as I’ve waited for my inner voice to tell me my search is over are the repetitious sounds of silence. My search has taken me far off course and into unchartered waters more times than I care to admit. Many times, it was a sink or swim situation and although I always managed to stay afloat, in the absence of never quite finding the love I wanted or needed, what I discovered was equally as valuable as love itself...I found what love isn’t.
Love is not a chemical reaction…an explosion of hormones. It’s not a crush, infatuation, lust or anything superficial and temporary. Love is a state of being when two minds join and co-exist as one, yet are miraculously are totally independent of each other at the same time. It has a quiet confidence and a reassuring, unmistakable strength. Love is not forced… it just is. It happens when and if the time is right and only then. Love isn’t something you ever have to question because if you have to question it, it isn’t love. When love happens, it’s there whether you’re both in the same room or thousands of miles apart. Love endures mistakes, pain and flaws both physical and emotional. Love transcends distance and time. Love perpetually strives to create a better place, a more perfect "us", an eternal flame that will flicker even in the wildest of storms to guide you home where your heart belongs.
These words may echo from an empty sadness, yet I do not feel empty or sad. Yes, I am alone, but I do not fear the path I walk alone. I walk with hope as my companion . I choose to believe I will finally feel the love I know I deserve before I die. Until then I walk alone and will continue to love myself until someone else shares that love with me.
Although I've kept Mildred Ratched Memoirs alive long after stopping my visits to the yoyo inspector, somewhere along the way I stopped doing my gratitude statements. I have to be honest and admit that I miss them. They made me end each blog post on a positive note. When a person is struggling with an emotional upheaval or maybe just tying up some loose ends that have been dangling for far too long having to find things to be grateful about isn't always an easy task. I remember I ended one post with a gratitude statement about being grateful I didn't have hemorrhoids. That one made my therapist laugh.
Reposted and edited from CAVE LIFE 101 (February 22, 2010)
People with alternative lifestyles or who have a different sexual orientation than the rest of mainstream America may reside in a closet until they decide to emerge, but depressed people dwell in a dark, dingy cave many times filled with items of convenience so they won't have to ever emerge. A few years ago, I purchased a small refrigerator and a microwave to put in my bedroom, so I wouldn't have to leave it. That was around the same time as I bought a 52-inch HDTV for my bedroom. I should have seen the writing on the wall, but like most things, I ignored the warning signs until the damage had been done. I simply didn't care that I was a cave dweller.
Hey, people I live in Florida and in an area where the beaches don't suck. As described in the following quote: "The gentle breeze is still soothing just as the crystal-clear waves roll in from the emerald sea. The flawless white sand is just as soft as before, and the sea oats still dance for a glowing sun". Pensacola boasts to have the whitest beaches in Florida. So why does a person who once was a sun worshipper no longer even venture out into the light of day? No, I haven't joined the ranks of the undead! Not yet, at least!
I think it has to do with having an addictive personality and being self-destructive. I always loved to binge and then I'd grow bored with the object of my addiction. This behavior held true in every aspect of my life even the small ones. For example, I loved to read, but unlike a normal person who would read a book and then go onto the next or perhaps take a break between books, I would read 10 books in 2 weeks and then be done for 6 months or more. I buy books now and never read them. I sit and look at the cover or maybe read the first page a few hundred times, but I never finish reading the book. I guess the same holds true with the beach. I burnt myself out on being sun burned beach bunny. Actually, that's probably a good thing!
Tomorrow, I have my next yoyo appointment. I know she wants me to start dealing with issues I'd rather just leave in the cave. I'd rather discuss how I've spent the last 2 days cleaning and rearranging my cave and how good that made me feel...physically drained, but mentally better. I'd rather talk about why I feel the need to throw something away if I haven't used it in 6 months and why I have so little in which I assign sentimental value. Material objects have never meant very much to me...easy come, easy go! I'd rather discuss anything other than sexual abuse and being self-destructive. I think I may be in a horribly foul mood tomorrow!
Gratitude statement: I'm thankful it's today and not tomorrow.
I read my words now and ask myself, "What’s changed?" and I have to admit that I'm still a troglodyte and the rut I was in has widened over time. I really don't know where or how to begin to stop this abyss.
Gratitude statement: I'm grateful for the self awareness I possess and hope that it eventually kick starts some motivation to change my life while I still can.
