A Rose By Any Other Name

Mother's Day is tomorrow and I'm not going to the cemetery.  I can't.  I sit here and feel my mother with me each day and that's enough. I don't need to go visit her.

I wish I could say I'm in better shape than I am, but I'm not.  I feel like I have emotional diarrhea. How's that's for an image to get stuck in your head?  Now, all I need is some emotional Imodium or Pepto Bismol.  I can get happy and pink all in the same moment! Seriously, I woke up this morning and I was crying. How can a person cry in their sleep? I don't think I was dreaming or if I was I don't remember what I was dreaming about. I just feel drained and lost all the time. 

I wish I could say it's all is due to my mother's death, but I don't think it is.  I think it's me. If it was self-pity. I would kick myself in the ass and get on with it, but this goes way beyond simple self-pity. This fearless creature known as Mildred Ratched is actually scared and for the first time in her life she's absolutely clueless. I'm a basket case and just a step shy of being a blithering idiot.

So, I soothed myself by getting my hands extremely dirty. I mixed up a batch of cow manure, peat moss and dirt from my compost pile to plant some flowers, then I watched all the birds play in my backyard. Now, I sit here in my living room (I'm taking a break with a Coke and a smile) and the birds are singing so loud I can hear them.  They must want me to come back outside??? If that's the case, they want me to fill their bird feeders. I guess I should go make them happy...

MY SOUNDS OF SILENCE

I've drifted throughout life in search of a certain touch, an unmistakable look of acceptance and an intuitive knowing of what comes next. The only thing I've heard as I’ve waited for my inner voice to tell me my search is over are the repetitious sounds of silence.  My search has taken me far off course and into unchartered waters more times than I care to admit.  Many times, it was a sink or swim situation and although I always managed to stay afloat, in the absence of never quite finding the love I wanted or needed, what I discovered was equally as valuable as love itself...I found what love isn’t. 
 

Love is not a chemical reaction…an explosion of hormones. It’s not a crush, infatuation, lust or anything superficial and temporary. Love is a state of being when two minds join and co-exist as one, yet are miraculously are totally independent of each other at the same time. It has a quiet confidence and a reassuring, unmistakable strength. Love is not forced… it just is. It happens when and if the time is right and only then. Love isn’t something you ever have to question because if you have to question it, it isn’t love. When love happens, it’s there whether you’re both in the same room or thousands of miles apart. Love endures mistakes, pain and flaws both physical and emotional. Love transcends distance and time. Love perpetually strives to create a better place, a more perfect "us", an eternal flame that will flicker even in the wildest of storms to guide you home where your heart belongs. 

These words may echo from an empty sadness, yet I do not feel empty or sad.  Yes, I am alone, but I do not fear the path I walk alone.  I walk with hope as my companion .  I choose to believe I will finally feel the love I know I deserve before I die.  Until then I walk alone and will continue to love myself until someone else shares that love with me.

I'VE FALLEN AND I CAN'T GET UP

Lately, it feels as though my life is some sad cry in your beer County & Western song.  The only thing missing is some two-timing womanizing jerk...thank God for small miracles! It's hard to motivate myself to even begin to write about my days MIA.  I do appreciate all the messages and emails I've received while I've been in this dark cave eating Oreos by myself (just a silly metaphor). Most of you, seem like gentle, patient people who understand how life can really throw zingers a person's way.  

Those of you who nudge me gently...thank you and those who have been demanding and rude...get a life! For Christ sake, life does not revolve around blogging or the internet.  Yes, writing is an excellent outlet and blogging is a great way to get to know people who you might otherwise never get to know...BUT sometimes sharing is just too painful especially when the wound is fresh.  Sometimes the words just aren't there. So how do you capture a tear? Or share a broken heart? How do you convey that being alone is what you need even though everyone says being alone is the worst thing in the world? No, the worst thing in the world is having to watch someone you dearly love slowly waste away and die. The worst thing in the world is not being able to help... And in the end the worst thing in the world is not really knowing if who you loved so dearly knew how deeply you felt or how much that they will be missed after they die. 

 

My father died a week ago. The pain is fresh and I'll be back when I can focus on topics other than my own sadness.

Comments:

Stephen
JUNE 25, 2008 AT 8:15 AM
Oh I know where you’re coming from on SO MANY levels. I wish and hope that the rut you are currently in fades and goes away. It’s not easy to just "get over it" as so many people might think. Life happens and there isn’t a damn thing we can do about it other than duck quickly when something gets hurled at you, if you know what I mean. 🙂

We’ll all still be here when you come back – take your time and be good to yourself. 🙂


Nina
JUNE 25, 2008 AT 9:15 AM
Thinking of you! Take good care of yourself and don’t rush through what you’re feeling…just because you or others think that you should feel differently…faster. Be patient! Life sometimes throws shit our way. "This too shall pass", as they say, but for now…just be with it and mourn your loss(es)! Many hugs, Nina


Cat
JUNE 25, 2008 AT 1:20 PM 
Loss like that one never really ’gets over’ or has’closure’ – be kind to yourself – hugs and soothing cups of tea to help you heal as best you can – and take all the time you need – and I found that I could write a bit about the pain of my recent losses and fear of loss even if it was only a sentence or two – and there were those who understood and that helped – was awhile before I could even strat catching up on other’s spaces but I’m working on it…


Laoch
JUNE 25, 2008 AT 1:39 PM
good wishes to you



Sleepdeprived
JUNE 25, 2008 AT 3:25 PM 
Take the time you need to take care of yourself. Loss is difficult and the stages of slowly watching someone you love move on is heart-breaking, at best, soul-shredding at worst. Be kind to yourself and try not to second-guess what you’re feeling or whether they know how you felt. Chances are really good that they did and the best way to show them is to have their love, laughter, and joy live on through you! All my best to you! R


Scottishpeace
JUNE 28, 2008 AT 12:47 AM
How sad you "sound"….Please know that you have a shoulder available to "cry on" privately if needed, and I’ll feed you all the Oreos you want (within health safety guidelines, of course.) Take care of yourself. You obviously have a lot of support out here in "cyberspace"….Maybe if I leave a trail of Oreos I can coax you out of your dark cave???? Think about it as an option, not a demand. I’ll be thinking of you.{{{{{{{{Hug}}}}}}}}}


barbara
JUNE 30, 2008 AT 1:10 PM
Don’t neglect yourself. Take the time you need just don’t forget the beauty in the world. Even if at times like this it seems hollow and without meaning, the beauty isn’t just in what you see. Take good care of you…….. and don’t eat too many Oreo cookies.


Stephen Craig
JULY 6, 2008 AT 7:06 PM 
Dear Karen, I am sure they will know and feel your love. My Father is fading fast but seemed to light up again this past week. Mom said one day he was singing and knew all of the words to the song. Next day he was fully dressed in his wheelchair with a big smile and had his wits about him. Mom wheeled him out into the sun for awhile. Today when I called he was back in that deep sleep. God bless him. From the All we come and into the All we must one day return even though we are ever a part of the All.

Sadness is an experience as singular as pain. No one else knows how one feels. Friends keep friends in thoughts and prayers.

As ever be well,

My Friend,

Stephen Craig Rowe


EbonyWyvernDragon
JULY 7, 2008 AT 5:23 PM
I understand. more than I can say…..our hands are here for you whenever you are ready to take them….. our eyes will read whenever you are ready to share….

((((((((HUG))))))))

Dragon


Linda
JULY 8, 2008 AT 9:54 AM
Take care and know that you are loved – always and forever!

Alone is sometimes the best place to be – especially during rough times. There we can release our frustration and gather the strength to go on.

J W
AUGUST 7, 2008 AT 7:07 AM
We parted on bad terms. It was my failure to notice your struggle with pain that made this so. You are correct. There are simply times when we need to heal, or try to heal, alone. Mistakes were made. I take full blame. Yes, love really does hurt. Being a total jerk is the lot I have to live with concerning you. Hoping you find your peace. I’m working on mine. Sincerely hope you find yours first. Second chances are not always readily at hand. Just want you to be happy. That is a perfect truth.

John


Stephen Craig
AUGUST 23, 2008 AT 11:24 PM
Dear Karen, Work has been busy and all here has been madness mixed with hope, dreams and prayers. The day to day has become, one day at a time. When I rise near the crack of noon my first words are, "Thank God!" As I see the time on my nightstand then fire up the day! Dismissing all that needs be done I then light up my screen and make a pot of coffee. Call my Mother to see how Dad is doing and check email, spaces and blogs. Frame some paintings or make some new art. Then realize it is time to go to work. Enough of this for now. Hope to talk with you soon. As ever be well,

Stephen Craig Rowe


Rick
SEPTEMBER 6, 2008 AT 8:51 PM
Well hope everything is working out for you.But honestly for me this place is ruined. And done so by one person to whom the masses bow down to like sheep in the pasture. Why I can’t even come on here unless I’m piss drunk, and then it’s usually just to stir up some shit with the bad doktor blood whom I consider a Internet predator. No, I’ll never have a blog again, and certainly can see why you have left yours.Too bad really. Because it was enjoyable at one time.Take care…