MEDICATION TIME

If giving is more important than receiving, when is the right time to stop thinking about ourselves and our own needs? I'm one of those people who give my 150% in anything I do, but have felt at times my giving nature has set me up to be used. Since I don't know how to be any other way and have no real desire to alter who I am, I'm left with the question of when is enough really enough?

If the strong really will inherit the earth, is it the emotional vampires (people who drain us completely dry) who will reign supreme eventually or will it be the do-gooders and hermits of the world?

I'm tired of my cave, but afraid to meander out amongst the masses for fear of the unknown. The unknown has screwed me over too many times. I feel weak and fragile right now. Sleepy? Yep! You betcha! I had a horrible day yesterday and couldn't unwind enough to close my eyes.

One friend was talking about suicide and another one was ranting and spewing venomous hate and discontent my way. I actually got accused of not knowing what real pain feels like. I was told I didn't know how it feels to lose a parent who was more than just a parent, but also a friend. I was told I didn't know how it feels to lose everything and to have nothing. I was told I don't know what it feels like to love so intensely that mere words cannot come close to describing the feeling. Yes, it was another exhausting session with Buddy!

[Karen, you stupid bitch, pay attention when you're in the presence of greatness, a legend in his own mind and learn to be humble! lol Like that's ever gonna happen in this lifetime!]

Gratitude statement: I'm extremely grateful that while not answering the phone may be morally or ethically wrong...it's not illegal! Self-preservation rules, baby! Thank God, yesterday is over!

FEATURED YOYO

Robert Crumb
Born: August 30, 1943

 
Crumb was a founder of the underground comix movement and is regarded as its most prominent figure. One of his most recognized works is the "Keep on Truckin'" comic, which became widely distributed in the 1970s. Others Crumb characters are Devil Girl, Fritz the Cat, and Mr. Natural. The first issue of Zap Comix was published in San Francisco in early 1968 and featured the work of satirical cartoonist Robert Crumb.

Gratitude statement: I'm thankful that when I tuned in, turned on and dropped out, I was in good company.

THE SUMMER OF LOVE

The summer of bible camp was "the summer of love" (1967). How ironic I thought, while others everywhere were tuning in, turning on and dropping out, I was trying to understand basic human nature and to find out if God really does exist. From a child's perspective, I grew up thinking if the people who claim they love me and want to protect me will hurt me, then what will the rest of the world do to me? The funny thing about it is that I've gone through life waiting and wanting someone to prove me wrong. My logic says since people are human and humans are flawed, anyone is bound to hurt/disappoint someone else, but on a deeper level (one still filled with idealism and good things that can't be destroyed by this cesspool called life) I choose to hold onto the belief that love is a good thing and in many situations is the only thing that keeps us afloat.

After that summer when I fell short of receiving God's grace, I turned to trying to understand evil instead. When the Satanic Bible by Anton LaVey was hot off the presses, I purchased one and read it from cover to cover hoping for a lightbulb moment. Needless to say, it was just another book filled with words written by man and it didn't explain the great mysteries of life any more than The Bible had. My spiritual journey I suppose some would say was corrupted by my inability to believe what I couldn't see. Instead of blindly believing I questioned instead. If God loved us so much then why does bad things happen to good people? Where are the miracles? Why are there wars, fathom and disease? No one seemed to be able to adequately answer these things through the verses they would throw my way. I needed more than words on a page to swallow anything I was told about God.

Eventually my salvation was found in my experimentation with drugs. As that experimentation deepened, I found certain drugs had a numbing effect. That feeling was one my whole body craved.... especially my emotions. Nothing bothered me as long as I stayed high, so by the age of 14 I stayed high all the time. I could easily sit back and blame my choices on my genetic background. I'm sure the long line of alcoholism that runs on both sides of my family would be enough of reason to say I didn't stand a chance not to be a substance abuser, yet somehow I know that's not why I changed the path I had walked as a small child. You see, I actively sought out finding something that would make me numb. It took me many years to realize that without drugs I would have been a much uglier statistic. I chose drugs. They didn't choose me.

Looking back on it, I call the next 16 years of my life "my leap of faith". They say God looks out for fools and drunks, but I think He/She has a special fondness for all addicts. Addictions, whatever they may be, cause an emotional bankruptcy in the person. No love is greater than that of a person and their drug of choice. When I say "drug", I include food, sex, gambling, shopping, work or whatever it is a person uses to escape. All other things in life come second regardless of what we tell ourselves or everyone else. That moment, at the climax when nothing else matters, I found freedom from pain and a facade that made me think nothing could hurt me again. Many years later, when the truth stared me in the face daring me to look elsewhere, I realized the truth would set me free.

Gratitude statement: I'm thankful for the fleeting moments of the truth I see.

THE END OF INNOCENCE

For a friend and for anyone who heard the drumming...



Gratitude statement: I'm grateful to have lived in a time that was very different than today's world.

MEDICATION TIME

I'm in pain and I'm scared.

Gratitude statement: In some twisted way, I'm thankful for the pain because it makes me know I'm still alive.

CREATURES OF HABIT

Long ago (and far away) I programmed myself to require "background noise" in order to fall asleep. Yes, I actually do sleep for short periods of time occasionally. If I fall asleep while watching television and someone turns the television off, I immediately wake up. Silence boggles my brain! Years ago, reading a book was like a sleeping pill for me, but now I can't read. Books are purchased and piled on my nightstand with the first page reread about a thousand times before I give up. WTF! I used to be an avid reader and now, I enjoy nothing.

Is that the depression stripping me of all pleasure? Does depression affect comprehension and our ability to retain what we read? I think I have come to know what adult ADD (attention deficit disorder) feels like. When I have the strength and stamina, I start one thing and before long I find myself doing some entirely unrelated task without finishing the first. Round and round I go until finally I come back to the first task and finish it.

This cycle used to happen quickly, but these days some tasks take months or years to complete. Procrastination? Not really! It's my distractibility that keeps me unfocused and unable to stay on task. Perhaps, I've always been this way, but unable to see it until I got depressed and started slowing down and really examining myself.

Gratitude statement: I'm grateful for the hundreds of television stations I have to choose from late at night.