Long ago (and far away) I programmed myself to require "background noise" in order to fall asleep. Yes, I actually do sleep for short periods of time occasionally. If I fall asleep while watching television and someone turns the television off, I immediately wake up. Silence boggles my brain! Years ago, reading a book was like a sleeping pill for me, but now I can't read. Books are purchased and piled on my nightstand with the first page reread about a thousand times before I give up. WTF! I used to be an avid reader and now, I enjoy nothing.

Is that the depression stripping me of all pleasure? Does depression affect comprehension and our ability to retain what we read? I think I have come to know what adult ADD (attention deficit disorder) feels like. When I have the strength and stamina, I start one thing and before long I find myself doing some entirely unrelated task without finishing the first. Round and round I go until finally I come back to the first task and finish it.

This cycle used to happen quickly, but these days some tasks take months or years to complete. Procrastination? Not really! It's my distractibility that keeps me unfocused and unable to stay on task. Perhaps, I've always been this way, but unable to see it until I got depressed and started slowing down and really examining myself.

Gratitude statement: I'm grateful for the 100+ television stations I have to choose from late at night.


  1. I used to think that what you describe was a result of "speeding" all the time.

    It never really occurred that it could be ascribed to depression...although it makes sense.

    All I know is that finishing a project is akin to a climax.


    I didn't get to bed until 5am this morning, because I couldn't sleep and decided to "tweak" my blog.

    Why? I have no idea. It didn't need anything and I certainly didn't make it any better, but...well, if I had over a hundred channels to view, I might, at least, leave things alone.

    Maybe not.

    Just Another Unfocused twat.

  2. My entire life has been spent never finishing anything I started until I make that cycle around to it again. Cleaning my home was a joke. I'd move from one room to another, getting lost in each room with some task then move on to the next. (good thing is wasn't a very big house!) I have forced myself to become a bit more organized, especially at work or I'd loose my job! ADD? I (and I am sure many have) had it long before there was a word for it. As a 6 year old child I was tested for epilepsy because I could 'disappear' from reality and it was difficult for anyone to bring me back.
    We walk a similar path, my dear but I have no 100+ channels to keep me going. I have no TV at all. Only my pc to keep me company.

  3. Barbie, I'm sure we're more alike than either one knows. My cave would seem more like a prison if I didn't have my television to keep me company. I have a few shows i watch on a regular basis but they are mainly on the premium channels. I watch alot of news/political shows (shhhhhh don't tell anyone I'm a closet nerd) If my friend Margie were here she'd tell on me and tell people how I was smart in school, but she might also tell you how I got expelled from school in the 6th grade. LOL

  4. I've just installed iStripper, so I can watch the best virtual strippers on my desktop.